I made great progress in my mental illness recovery recently. I stopped having suicidal urges and my mood was no longer mercurial; I was not depressed or manic for a week. I was myself again; my mischievous humour was back, I was no longer a ghost and life was no longer an internal inferno.
Perhaps I should have known that this progress could have been the start of a hypo/manic episode. I then became extremely energised in a day and noticed I was typing incredibly fast on my computer. I decided to go for a swim and felt like there was an electric current running through my veins as I walked to the pool. I swam like a god in comparison to normal; somehow I managed to swim 30 lengths in half an hour instead of 20.
Unfortunately I soon became low again and had the odd experience of feeling like I was on narcotics but also being very quiet and unsocial because I was depressed. I was a drugged up ghost who was hallucinating.
I also eventually had another experience of anxiety and suicidal thoughts, urged and plans came after it.
I lost sight of the progress I had made. I completely forgot about the advancements I had made in a week and focused on my then worsened mood state. I cried about how I wished I were more animated and less quiet; it seemed like I was just a shadow again.
I think maybe the reason that I forgot about my progress is that I am a very negative person. The most negative experiences always stand out to me as more significant than the positive experiences.
Also, perhaps I am being too optimistic by viewing periods of euthymia as progress. Maybe I should view the reduction of my depressive and manic symptoms as progress instead? I think that maybe I am still in denial of the fact that I am going to have to live with these highs and lows for ever now.
I am now trying to think more positively that although I am still a bit ill at least my hypo/mania is not affecting my functioning at the moment and it is not very obvious to others.
I am hoping that with medication tweaks I can further reduce my symptoms.