My Suicidal Compulsions

TW: suicide 

 Many people don’t seem to understand how I could not be suicidal and yet still start to attempt to take my own life.

My response is that I don’t actually want to kill myself when I start attempting it’s just my brain creating the urge to attempt suicide and I feel compelled to give into the urge.

It doesn’t matter whether I’m depressed, hypomanic or in a normal mood, I still have suicidal urges. 

 Some people are compulsive about washing themselves, I’m compulsive about suicide.

At one point I was so obsessed about suicide that I was fantasising about slitting my wrists. And yet I didn’t want to die. All I intended to do by starting to slit my wrists was to give into the urge. 

 Today I had the random thought to myself that I want to look up suicide methods online. I had this thought and yet I have no intention of actually killing myself!

On numerous occasions I have given into the urge and started the process of killing myself. I stopped myself from finishing the job because I didn’t really want to die.

Every time I have given into the urges I’ve felt absolutely terrible and traumatised for hours after. Giving into the compulsions just makes things worse.

The urges have invaded my whole life.

 At one point I was having them almost everywhere I went and I would even have the urge to jump off bridges, crash cars and fall down escalators.

I got to the point where I couldn’t resist the urges and I was unsafe in my house and on my own. I had to go to hospital and felt much safer there and didn’t have urges when all dangerous objects were taken from me.

I am now at home and my family have hidden all dangerous objects including knives from me. I feel much safer as a result however I know that I need to learn to live with normal objects and my medication not being hidden from me.

I am now starting my journey to a life free from urges as I face the urges and defiantly say no to them. I promise myself now that I will not under any circumstance give into the urges again or dialogue with them.