Bipolar

You Can’t Just Tell Someone With Mood Swings To Stop Being High Or Depressed 

Today someone told me that I should try and be the friend I was before around my friends and that they might not be comfortable with me being high around them.

For a start, I think I was depressed from about 8 years old and I most certainly sometimes suffered from depression from the age of 13 so I don’t know who this ‘friend before’ mental illness is as for at least seven years if not more of my life I have had mood swings. 

Secondly and most importantly it’s really not that simple to just act as if you are mentally stable and not depressed or hypo/manic. Mental illnesses change who you are as a person and how you present yourself to the world. They change your emotions, your behaviour and how you view things. I am aware that some people are able to put on the ‘I’m okay’ mask however I’m not. 

When I was first severely depressed my parents eventually noticed that something was wrong because I was so low that I had completely lost the life within me and my personality. I was a girl ghost and I couldn’t for the life of me pretend that I was okay and act like a person who wasn’t extremely depressed! I cried all of the time, was very morose and I completely isolated myself from everybody at school and retreated into a world of books, music and computers. 

My most recent depressions in late May 2014 and mid September 2015 were similar. Once again I was so lifeless I was hardly a human being. I would force myself to meet up with friends a lot but I found myself almost completely unable to converse! I would sit there and occasionally give short replies to the person I was with. One time I was so depressed that I could not even make conversation at all and I just sat there staring into space as I ate my dinner with my friend.

As far as I know my highs started in early June 2014 when I was put on antidepressants but I can’t tell looking back whether there were moments before then where I experienced extremely mild highs. 

My highs also often affect how I am around people and I am often unable to modify or tone down my behaviour. During my most recent and current hypomanic episode I have often bursted into hysterical laughter and got extremely excited about things. How on earth are you supposed to control what you laugh at?! We all laugh subconsciously at things all of the time. 

Another thing that I find hard is to stop myself from taking out my irritability and anxiety out on others. Just like how many people will very occasionally get angry and be unable to stop themselves from unleashing it on others, this sometimes happens when I’m high and I get angry for absolutely no reason! Recently I was irritable for almost two weeks and snapped at my mother in a very ferocious way and even shouted at her. I was completely unable to control this and all I was able to do was to apologise for my behaviour. I have very mild anxiety anyway but when I’m high it gets a lot worse and I start flipping out and having obsessive thoughts. Recently I shouted a lot when I tried twenty times to put a photo on my university accommodation profile and it would not work! I also screamed very loudly and viciously at my mother when I had been waiting for 15 minutes for a taxi which had not arrived which I needed to take me to therapy! 

I will admit that the first time I was high I was able to contain my hypomania a bit around people by just purposefully being quiet and somehow holding all the energy bursting inside me in so that they didn’t notice.

However, generally I find it extremely hard to control my behaviour and how I appear to others when I’m high or low as my mood swings completely change who I am and turn me into a different person. I would say that when I am in a mood swing I act like how a mentally stable person acts naturally and instinctively and I find it absolutely impossible a lot of the time to pretend that I am more stable than I am! 

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Uncategorized

Just Because I’m Crying Doesn’t Mean I’m Getting Depressed

I personally think that self-awareness is extremely important especially if you have mental health problems. However, I think sometimes we can become too analytical of our own behaviour or emotions.

Today something that probably shouldn’t have affected me in such an extreme way made me cry for 10 minutes. I read an article about the recent news that hundreds of people watched a gang rape happen on Florida beach and did nothing. Now, I would say that there are two reasons that I cried.: (a) I am a very sensitive person and (b) I am a survivor of sexual assault so it struck a nerve. 

I overanalysed the situation and asked myself the question ‘Am I a bit low?’ By the end of the day I had determined that I was not depressed at all as my mood soon lifted after a couple of hours and I did not stay sad, I was not tired and lacking energy, I did not feel like a failure or have an extremely negative view of things and I was not suicidal. 

Now I am going to describe a situation that happened a few days before where I would say that I got depressed even if I managed to bounce out of the depression by the next day. Once again something really affected me but this time a lot more. That day I had heard the news that one of the most important people in my life was having a mental illness relapse and my mother and sister upset and angered me with their comments about rape. I cried for 15 minutes this time. The difference here is that my friend being ill upset me so much that I started to feel very hopeless, was despairing and even thought to myself three times that night ‘I want to die’. I actually considered taking an overdose. I did not have the intention to go through with taking an overdose though. There were just moments where I really wanted to die. 

I am going to be wary now of overanalysing my own behaviour and the emotions I feel. I am always going to be an extremely sensitive person and things that don’t make most people cry will sometimes make me cry. 

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Bipolar, Poetry, Uncategorized

Death To The Bursting Volcano That Is My Mind 

Misunderstandings and cruel words 

Created a bursting volcano within me. 

Death to intensity   

                                  Death to pain                                             Death to feelings        

                               Death to mental illness.

Death to the bursting volcano that is my mind.

Copyright © C.M.H April 2015 

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Uncategorized

Why Can’t I Say Exactly What Happened When I Was Assaulted?

I can’t say exactly what happened because what happened is very complicated. I very naively let men walk me home thinking that was all they wanted to do!

I didn’t ever say no and only moved two of their hands away and once said, ‘you are hurting me!’. However on each occasion after the shock of the unexpected kiss I immediately said, ‘I don’t want to have sex with you’ which I think was my way of saying ‘I don’t want to do anything with you’. 

I let myself be coerced and forced at times and the only way it shows that I was assaulted is that I kicked these men out of my room and never spoke to them again and even had panic attacks when I saw them. Also, one of them kissed me so aggressively that my mouth hurt for days after.

It was complicated because I was drunk and didn’t really know what was going on. 

It was complicated because on a couple of occasions I consented to some of the sexual activity but not all of it.

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Uncategorized

Why Am I Participating In #RedMyLips2015?

The main reason I am participating in Red My Lips is very personal. I was never raped by a penis but I was ‘digitally raped’ on a few occasions as it is called in America and I had two almost attempted rapes. Therefore, sexual assault is something very close to my heart.

Furthermore, I want to challenge rape myths and victim blaming especially as I experienced a lot of victim blaming myself with people blaming me for being drunk, not saying no and even telling me that I wasn’t even assaulted as there weren’t bruises!

I am getting involved with Red My Lips because I never reported what happened to me and by taking a bold stand against sexual violence I am gaining some of the power back that they took from me!

I am getting involved with Red My Lips because I think sexual violence should be prevented by the teaching boys and girls about consent and men not to rape. We need to stop viewing sexual violence as something inevitable that can’t be prevented!

I am getting involved with Red My Lips because boys and men everywhere think it is okay to make jokes about rape and people laugh at these jokes. Only recently a Democrat was laughed at when she disclosed her rape!

I am getting involved with Red My Lips because many people believe that most rapes are committed by strangers and are surprised when I tell them that only 10% of rapes in the UK are committed by strangers to the victim.

So don that red lipstick ladies and get talking about sexual assault!

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