Article, Bipolar, Mental Health, Uncategorized

The Importance Of Small Daily Achievements When It Comes To Mental Illness Recovery

I don’t know who said it but someone said that it’s a good idea to write down positive things you have done each day during mental illness recovery. 

During my first week back from hospital I read a small book and watched an hour of French TV. These were achievements for me as often when I am in a manic episode I cannot concentrate and the fact that I didn’t have trouble reading the book and watched the TV all the way through showed that my concentration is quite good unlike last year where I could hardly concentrate for more than 15 minutes on something and struggled to read. 

This week my achievements are that I have watched three Spanish films, I went to a small party, I started reading a new book and I visited my grandma in the nursing home. The fact that I watched three foreign films without English subtitles is a major achievement as it requires a lot of concentration as a non-Native speaker to understand what is going on. The party was a big thing as I was reluctant to go as I thought I might get tired out like the week before. In fact, I did eventually get tired out but when everyone was starting to leave. 

Visiting my grandma was a major achievement as she doesn’t know about my mental health problems so I sometimes find it hard to go and see her and as she has dementia going to see her can be upsetting even though her sense of humour makes visits normally mostly okay.

I also think that the fact that I was undeterred by my two PTSD panic attacks in a city and still went out to two cities is a huge achievement when it comes to my recovery from trauma. I am not going to let anything stop me from doing things! 

If I were depressed then I would say that the fact I went out four times this week to socialise with friends and even more the week before was an achievement but because I am still on a high even though I am pretty much stable I wouldn’t call them achievements as it is typical for me to socialise a lot when I’m high.

Overall, I think I am making great progress in my recovery, I just need to cut back on my socialising a bit as it’s too expensive and I need to focus more on doing other things which make me feel I have achieved something such as doing more exercise and stay very focused on my goal to recover and get ready for university next year.


Dear Stigma

This is fantastic!

Poetry of an eccentric sheep

Dear X: The Secret X’s part 4……we live in a society that puts stigmas on certain conditions, illnesses, or afflictions we endure in this life. You can’t help it and you didn’t choose it. It’s just something you have to live it and work around in this life. But sometimes people don’t understand it and you are treated different. Sometimes you are judged because of it. Sometimes they don’t see you, they only see your stigma.

You may have to carry this burden in this world, but it is only because you can conquer it and own it. Your stigma DOES NOT own you! It is something you deal with, but it IS NOT your identity. You are more than your stigma. I do not know why this was allowed to happen to you, but I know there is a purpose. Maybe you will overcome it and be better than…

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creative writing, Feminism, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, Rape, Sexual Violence

I Refuse To Let You Have Power Over Me 

Like a boulder you crushed me mentally, emotionally, sexually.

You left a negative imprint upon me.

Now my scar from rape is healing-

I cannot erase the wonderful memories with you from my mind,

I still wear the dresses I wore with you

And the underwear.

I refuse to let you have any power over me-

I am strong and I now feel absolutely nothing towards you

Except my locked up anger.

Copyright © C.M.H August 2015 

Bipolar, Mental Health

Maybe I Just Have To Accept I Won’t Be Completely Stable All The Time?

I seem to have gone from thinking that  I can’t be stable at all (probably because I had a year of complete instability after being diagnosed with bipolar of many extreme highs and lows) to thinking I can be stable all the time. I recently left hospital and was stable for two weeks and then I got high again not long after I got home. This could have been caused by the simple fact that the hospital forgot to give me all my medication and I couldn’t take an important medication one night. They said a skipped dose would be okay but perhaps this is what tipped me over the edge. 

Anyway, I asked other people with bipolar disorder whether it is normal to not be completely stable all the time and they said that it is. I think therefore that I have still not come to terms with how my bipolar symptoms are not just going to go away with medication even if is possible for medication to stabilise me most or at least a lot of the time. 

Feminism, Human Rights, Journal, Sexual Violence

My Recovery From Rape

I have come along way in my recovery from rape which only happened nearly 3 months ago already. It has helped me to share my full story on survivor websites, to write poetry about it and of course have therapy and talk about it. I have written numerous no send letters to my rapist and I even did the bold thing of sending my rapist a text message maturely explaining my feelings about it to get my anger out. Basically, I think I have come to terms with what happened and am starting to accept it as a part of my life. I won’t let my rape define me but it is unfortunately a part of my life.

Some positive things have come from my rape such as lots of poems written when I was processing what happened and my feelings.

I no longer have any feelings towards my rapist and in 2 months I managed to get past the hurt part of being raped and unlock my anger towards my rapist.

I didn’t report because I thought it would be too damaging for my mental health as I have bipolar disorder and am very fragile but by telling my rapist in person what he did and sending the text message and sharing the date rape post I managed to get some power back. 

I am learning from this experience that I need to be less trusting of men for my own safety in certain ways because unfortunately men don’t go around with “rapist” written on their heads, however I am aware I need to strike a balance.

I am going to continue my psychotherapy and perhaps have some more EMDR therapy as it helped me in the past to deal with sexual assaults. 

Feminism, Poème, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, Rape, Sexual Violence

Rape Is Murder

Virginal rape is murder of innocence.

Rape is murder of the body,

Rape is murder of the sexuality,

Rape is murder of the soul,

Rape is murder of the heart.
Picking the petals of roses 

Without the consent of the beautiful rose is sexual assault.

Ripping the head of a rose off unlawfully is rape. 

Copyright © C.M.H August 2015