Journal, Rape, Sexual Violence

Grieving The Loss Of A Relationship 6 Months On

I think the problem is that the rape made me forget the fact I had someone to get over, someone I really cared about. It’s easy to forget that if someone’s raped you.

I wrote a lot of very personal poems expressing my feelings towards him and now I feel that my soul has been cleansed and I can move on and get back into dating. 

Due to the fact that I had had lots of therapy for my rape I wasn’t really upset about the rape coming up to the six months anniversary but the loss of a relationship and a person very important to me and the gap in my life now.

I think I need to get over him by having other great experiences with others.

Rape, Sexual Violence

Six Months On From Rape

My six month rape anniversary is now approaching. Unfortunately it is on my birthday! I don’t know how I feel about this. I guess I don’t like it because the anniversary just reminds me that my life has changed forever and it will never be the same. I am not the same person I was and will never be the same. Time has passed but I can’t change the past.

I guess I would feel that I have moved on if I had gotten over my rapist, but I still have romantic feelings for him. I am starting to have other crushes though on other people and it is taking away my feelings for him. I need to stop comparing other people to my rapist though just because the good side of him charmed me so much. 


Mental Illness a Recovery And Reflection

I think when it comes to mental illness recovery it’s really important to reflect back on how far you’ve come. Losing sight of progress you have made even if it’s just small can make mental illness recovery seem impossible and out of reach.

I wish I had done this earlier and then I would have realised the progress I had made sooner. It’s only after I had weeks of stability that I started to think about the progress.

This time last year I was in the depths of depression, lacking enjoyment in things once enjoyed, only getting out of bed at 12am and struggling to hold down a conversation and seeming very miserable. The past three months since I left hospital haven’t been completely devoid of depression but I’ve been depressed for shorter amounts of time, in all just a few days compared to months on end last year.

Just four months ago I was very manic and nothing calmed me down. So my newfound stability of three weeks in between a weekend of depression is a big deal. Even after I left hospital my mania persisted to be a problem.

Overall, without the comparison of the severity of different mood episodes I have lived through and of these against stability it would not be apparent how much progress I have made. 

Bipolar, Mental Health

I Am Now In Recovery With Bipolar And It’s Great

For over a year I had been swinging from extreme lows to extreme highs with not even two months of stability in between. 

I had been labelled by a psychiatrist in hospital as having “unstable bipolar disorder” and I got to the point where I thought I was treatment resistant. I was stable for two weeks before they let me out of hospital and then I got manic again.

I think sometimes in life you just have to be patient and wait for things to happen and I was very impatient and frustrated after months of failed medication combinations. When I got manic again my antipsychotic medication, Asenapine was upped and this helped calm me down a lot. 

However, it didn’t calm me down completely and so my psychiatrist decided to put me on a second mood stabiliser, Carbamazepine. 

At first, I seemed to be getting a bit low rather than stable and then I got high again and I continued to swing but eventually I had a stable week before getting a bit low for three days. I then had another 11 days of stability. 

I guess this is what recovery is like, your symptoms are reduced or you start to have no symptoms. I am really enjoying my current symptom free period and hope it lasts for a while. I don’t like my highs as I get extremely manic and they last for a while. I guess my medication cocktail of Lithium, Asenapine and carbamazepine, no alcohol consumption, limited caffeine consumption and regular sleep schedule are all helping. 

Mental Health, Rape, Sexual Violence

I Have Now Moved On From My Rape

It’s been almost six months now and I’ve pretty much recovered from my rape now. No doubt rape will always be a sensitive topic for me and I will always have some pain but I have moved on now. Since I’ve completed the EMDR therapy and have written all of the letters to myself and my rapist I feel more content within myself and don’t ever find myself feeling that I’m struggling. 

I went up to my university recently to see if I felt able to go back there due to the sexual assaults that happened there and I was fine. I bumped into a couple of my attackers and I didn’t have panic attacks or get emotional. For me this means that they haven’t won and I can build a new life for myself back at my university of choice next year.

I have also pretty much stopped scratching myself now which shows that I am in a better place. 

For anyone in a similar position, it is very hard to try to move on on your own which I did before I sorted out therapy, but with the help of therapy you can build a new life for yourself.