One of the things I hate most about bipolar is the fact that you sometimes lose control of yourself and do things you would never do when you are manic. For me that tends to be very reckless and impulsive decisions. Afterwards I am left to deal with my own shock and the shock of others at what I have done and this can cause conflicts in my relationship. It is very difficult to deal with the fact that I never know what I will or won’t do because I can completely lose control of myself.
Now that I am on the right medication cocktail life is very different. It is not the same as before when I was constantly up and down and nothing seemed to calm me down or stop me going so low. I was being too idealistic and thought that I would not have any symptoms ever again but that didn’t happen. I have been high and low again recently. I was feeling very elated and dancing and I was feeling miserable and low. It is not as bad as before now though. I am coping better. Things are okay. Bipolar is okay. Even when I am stable I still have that bipolarity within me and therefore can be very impulsive and intense even if I’m not in an episode. I am learning to really live in harmony with bipolar.
So my psychologist thinks I’m codependent. I have come to realise that sometimes I get into unhealthy relationships but I stay in them because I ignore the negative parts of the relationship and focus on the positives. My feelings are greatly impacted by relationships and I am very emotional and constantly go up and down when I start to be involved with someone. I don’t know how to be less codependent?