Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Blog Post, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

Sometimes you know exactly what you need or don’t need when it comes to mental health treatment

The other day I decided I didn’t need to go to the day hospital or have one on one therapy for the moment. I didn’t make those decisions without reason; I have gotten to the point where I no longer have anything to discuss in therapy and I personally think that too much therapy is unhealthy as you start going over things again and again or you constantly ask the question ‘how was your week?’.

It wasn’t just me who thinks I don’t need therapy as I discussed this in my second last group in front of my psychologist and she also thinks I don’t need therapy.

I am going to continue to take my medications every day as prescribed and see my psychiatrist in March with my dad. I am also going to continue to not drink, limit my caffeine, get exercise and eat healthily.

I had some periods of mild low at the weekend but I didn’t get suicidal or despairing and I had absolutely no trouble getting out of bed so that is an improvement on my last low.

 

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Mental Health, mental illness, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I think it’s important to do things at your own pace after rape

In many ways it feels like I have moved on from my rape over the past month. I haven’t cried about my rapist or rape or felt in a lot of emotional pain because of it. I have no longer been angry and moved by strong emotions related to my rapist. I haven’t called up the rape helpline or talked to someone about it. I have even decided that I don’t need therapy for the moment as I’ve already gone through all of my bad things in my past including my rape and I feel like going over things even more is just unhealthy.

And yet it seems my sex life is still affected by my rape even though I have emotionally moved on. Whereas three months after I was cerial dating and having heated make out sessions with people now I have no desire to date or have encounters with people whatsoever and I don’t know how long this will last. I just think I have to only do what I want to and feel comfortable doing at the time as if I make myself date because I feel I should want to as I’m young that that would be another violation. At this stage I don’t know if I will ever want to date again if I am honest as I have such a strong lack of interest in sex and dating and one of my male friends used to trigger me all of the time when I was with him. I am just going to give myself time and focus on my studies and getting back to university now.

 

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art, Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, Uncategorized

When the flame burnt out so fast

Intense, emotional our friendship was from start to end.
You said I have to break up and that was the end.
The end
To mutual understandings,
Sympathy,
Loyalty,
Love,
To phone calls about mood swings,
Bipolar advice.
The end to a friendship more important than many.
The end to a big part of my life,
The tearing of a piece of my heart.

But you were always volatile
And I clung onto a rock which was dragging me down-
You were unhealthy for me
And you would never accept me fully for who I am,
Accept my rebellion.
I could never be fully honest
For fear you would judge.
That isn’t friendship,
That’s a lie.

And so I leave a dramatic lie behind me.
There are others I can be myself around
Who won’t mother me
And who will accept me for me.
Intense relationships can be so thrilling
But they sometimes burn out very quickly.
You blew out our candle so quickly
But now I search for another candle to light up my darkness.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

 

Intense, codependent relationships can be very destructive. I recently ended another intense codependent friendship as I realised we were talking to each other too much and he was bitter, stuck in the past and too intense for me.

 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

Just because anxiety doesn’t affect me every day like bipolar disorder doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect me at all

I was just thinking now that I had completely forgotten that I had had two moments of extremely bad anxiety last week. Sometimes I forget I have anxiety as in the grand scheme of things I view my bipolar as being much more destructive and I experience bipolar symptoms more often than anxiety symptoms.

However, even though I rarely get anxiety the last three times I have had it it has been very extreme; I was really anxious that I was going to die and then I was scared that my dad would kill himself and then I was worried my parents would die in a car crash.

I think it is important to note that even if one only experiences a mental illness occasionally it doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect you greatly when you experience the symptoms.

 

 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

The importance of routine, healthy eating, exercise and goals when it comes to bipolar recovery

Before I had a more structured routine I was already practicing sleep hygiene and hardly ever went to bed past 10:30pm. Since I have been eating a lot more fruit and vegetables and less fatty and sugary foods over the past month and going swimming or on long walks more often I have been feeling much better in myself.

Keeping busy with my classes, volunteering, reading, exercise and seeing friends has kept my emotions more under control and has meant that I haven’t had time to think about my pain. I also think it has helped me to stop self harm as normally in the past I would self harm when I had a moment where I wasn’t doing anything.

I have been trying to lose weight as I put on lots of weight from my medication, my thyroid condition and going out too much. Since I have been dieting I have lost 14 lb and I am already feeling better about myself. My goal for now is to lose another 14lb.

A more important goal I have is to actually go back to my university in September 2016. I think I can actually achieve this goal now as my bipolar is much more under control and I am doing a lot of studying at the moment to keep my languages up. This main goal of mine gives me hope every day as it can be a bit demoralising to not be working or in full time education.

I don’t blog as often as I am keeping myself busy and things are going well for me.

 

 

 

 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I think it’s best to make the right decisions for your mental illness recovery in order to progress with recovery

If you are suffering from a mental illness I think it’s very important that you put your recovery first before anything else so that you can stay well or stay well for longer. Recently I realised that s friendship was unhealthy for me as not only was it too intense and did we talk too much but I realised that his negativity because he is bitter and cannot get over his past problems holds me back and stops me from glowing in my recovery. I also realised that I don’t need him anymore and I don’t want to talk about my mental health problems before and I feel like if I talk to him the conversation just centres on mental health problems. So I decided that as I feel that he is unhealthy for me and holds me back by putting his negative energy on me I should at least take a break from him and possibly eventually end the friendship.

I have also decided that instead of having a drink every now and then I will try and completely cut out all alcohol as it interacts with two of my bipolar medications and I am so determined to stay well and alcohol destabilises me.

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art, Bipolar, bipolar disorder, creative writing, depression, Feminism, Human Rights, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I don’t let myself think of my devastating rainstorm anymore

Once I thought that there would be no end to my eternal pain, suffering anguish.

Torrential rain poured over my vulnerable body exposed without a raincoat.

But then after pouring out my troubles into art, poetry, therapy I took solace in literature and found joy.

After I had cried my tears of despair many times I stopped crying and the pain didn’t feel so overwhelming.

Now I keep myself occupied with a book, a language course, volunteering, time with a friend.

I don’t let myself think of my devastating rainstorm anymore.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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