Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

How I feel right now

Right now I am in a blissful period in comparison to how I felt even a week ago when I was ridiculously anxious and on edge all the time. I don’t feel low at all; I haven’t been despairing, suicidal, unable to get out of bed or crying a lot. I think I am out of the high as I am not anxious anymore and I was anxious in the high. I was low for about a couple of minutes on Friday but I came out of it. I think the drugs are working a lot better these days as I when I’m low I’m not low for so long. The last time I had a suicidal low was in January.

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creative writing, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, Rape, sexual assault, Uncategorized

So much has changed in one year and yet it hasn’t

Holding it all together
When inside I’m dying inside.

Daggers pierce my heart again
And I remind myself it is okay to feel this pain,
It’s okay not to be okay.

So much has changed in one year and yet it hasn’t.
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I am keeping myself distracted to avoid dwelling

I am dealing with my first difficult trauma anniversary this weekend. To get me through this I am keeping myself distracted with social engagements. I’m facetiming my friend Christiaan tonight and then I’m seeing a French film with Sonia tomorrow, I’m spending time with Rachel and our other friends on Saturday and I am spending the day with Danielle and having a sleepover with her on Sunday. I can get through this period without dwelling!

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art, creative writing, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I want someone to tell me it will be okay

I want someone to tell me it will be okay
But it can’t ever be with pain under the surface
Of my life.

My body reminds me of my rape.
Of his violent body forcing itself inside
Mine.

I now bravely wear the dress I wore that day
And the bra
And I feel powerful.
But nothing can undo what he did to me,
What he took from me.

There are times I wish I could live a normal life.
Not worry that a man is going to fast
And needs to slow down.
Not feel that all men could potentially rape.
But how can I?

Instead I live this beautiful lie.
The lie that he didn’t ruin me with his act
That I’m not staying away from the axe.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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Mental Health, mental illness, Rape, sexual assault, Uncategorized

I am learning to stop codependent relationships from happening when they have only just begun

I am very proud of myself as I am learning to stop codependent relationships from happening before they have begun. I have a problem with codependency and forming unhealthy relationships so this is a massive feat.

My recent friendship with someone was based on our issues of self harm and sexual trauma. As the friendship developed I realised that I couldn’t deal with her constantly talking about her trauma and actually that it was unhealthy and unhelpful for us to constantly talk about our issues with each other. I would rather have no one to talk about my self harm with but not be bringing myself down by being around someone currently worse off than me in terms of mental health health. Maybe I need therapy for self harm? But in the past I have hardly found it helpful as they haven’t really helped me stop.

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Uncategorized

Sometimes you have to do what’s right for you

I have been feeling under a lot of pressure from people in my life depending on me. Someone I recently met kept turning to me about her sexual trauma as we had been through similar stuff. I thought I could handle it but it turned out I couldn’t especially as I am currently trying to be there for a depressed friend.

Sometimes you have to say no to people and do what is best for you. I think this new person in my life was using me as a therapist.

 

 

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art, creative writing, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

Shisha calms my bones

Blood in my blunt nails
Each time it feels I’ve failed-

Lost self, lost night, lost life.
But Shisha stopped me bleeding so much tonight.

Shisha calmed my bones.
It took me home
To a tranquil place
Where I was safe.

To stop the bleeding it seems
You have to give in to other indulgences,
Other sins.
I have too much pain stored in my bones
To cope all on my own.
My trauma doesn’t live in my mind anymore
But it’s still stuck in my bones.
I need some release,
I need some calming shisha,
A cigarette or two.
At least that isn’t as bad as subtly making myself bleed.
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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