Someone stopped me on the street and complimented me on my ‘lovely face’ and tried to make me join a charity. They asked me how I was and I said ‘I’m okay’, thus hiding my manic pain. What I am struck by is how people feel the need to compliment you but if only they knew that I would rather stop being pretty and no longer have bipolar than be pretty with bipolar. Gone are the days when I say I’d always keep bipolar; it’s just not worth all the heartache and the pain and anguish. I’ve been manic a lot recently and it’s been hard because I feel emotions so intensely and it’s all too much! I really think it’s going to be a painful difficult life if this never goes away.
Yes, I am only occasionally siutuationally depressed now but I still get suicidal sometimes and I still get the highs all the time and with that comes the extreme anxiety and the anger and the lack of concentration and not giving a fuck about my studies.
I don’t want to tell my readers a lie. Yes it gets easier with meds and therapy but it’s not a life saving operation that saves you; I’m still ill and I still struggle even if it’s not as bad as before. And every inch of pain even if the pain has lessened is always worth fighting for. I want to live a full life but how can I when I’m okay for a month and then I get another month of hell?