I’ve been feeling quite low the past few days and some days I have been incapacitated and I’ve found some tasks impossible or really difficult to do. I thought that it was originally just because of the heartbreak with Josh and then because I didn’t get a job and a guy cancelled on me and a friend cancelled me all in one day but it doesn’t make sense that it would just be a borderline depression as I’m still feeling depressed today. I think I might be in a bipolar depression which would make sense as I was manic and you always have to come down. It just sucks as no one ever wants to feel like this and it makes me feel like the high wasn’t even worth it.
So I went to my friend Josh’s birthday party last night and after he said he was going to make out with this very pretty girl I got very jealous and eventually very low and upset. I ended up crying into Josh’s arms and telling him that I have feelings for him and then saying that I was very upset and that I had to leave.
I think sometimes it’s just one of those things; you want what you can’t have and you like a guy who is great on paper as he ticks so many boxes but you don’t actually have a strong connection with him.
I still feel low today but I’m sure in a few days I’ll be fine. I just think I need to take a break from Josh for at least a month.
I am just starting the DBT therapy with my psychologist for borderline personality disorder but I haven’t done my homework today. ( I will today). This week I felt very insecure a few times. Once my friend did not reply to my text but had been active on Facebook so I thought that she didn’t want to talk to me or see me anymore and that when I’d called her a lot of times because my phone calls weren’t going through as my phone was broken that that had annoyed her. I texted my guy friend saying how are you and as he didn’t reply I assumed that he had decided to not message me back just because I had liked a photo he was tagged in which was ridiculous as I do this all the time. In reality I think that maybe he didn’t reply as he is busy working and studying for exams and perhaps he could not be bothered to have that kinda convo when we had already spoken over group message a few times. I called my girl friend up and she is up for meeting on Saturday.
I just wish I didn’t get so insecure and worry so much that people will leave my life!
When I got on the plane to go abroad recently I went through the security check where you are effectively groped by another woman in order to check if you have any prohibited things on your person. It left me feeling very uncomfortable and in fact it gave me flashbacks of my sexual assaults and I felt like I had been assaulted. It left me wanting to campaign for there to be body scanners everywhere and not just have a person touching you to check for prohibited items.
Then today I went on a date and I have never felt more creeped out. I constantly rejected the guys moves and he kept smiling at me in creepy ways and I felt triggered and as if I had been raped when in fact all that had happened was that I’d been with a creepy guy.
I guess when I have successful dates where I sleep with men I can forget that I am still fragile and vulnerable.
I am manic at the moment and I got very angry at my friend and told her to stop being so flakey when she cancelled even though it wasn’t her fault. I had a massive go at her and made it seem like it was her fault when actually a meeting overrun. Now I am looking to deal with the consequences as she is telling me she is really hurt by all that I said even though she knows it’s not I fault I acted like that because I cannot always control my behaviour due to the bipolar. It is really hurting me to realise how much my manic outbursts can mess up my relationships and who knows if this is irreparable damage.
I have realised recently that I really struggle to be monogamous and I favour open relationships over relationships. It seems that when I’m in my manic highs I just want to date and have sex with as many more people as possible and I am completely out of control. I find acceptable people who I like but nothing stops me searching for someone better, someone more attractive, someone funnier, someone more intelligent, someone. I have been called a serial dater and a female player before because I date lots of people at once without any consideration for the fact the other people may not be expecting this. It just feels like I am out of control and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to settle. I have never been in a relationship in my life and the only time I didn’t date others was during a short two week fling.