Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

I feel like Sylvia Plath

No matter how good life is, whether I’m keeping busy or seeing my friends and family a lot I always get thoughts of suicide. Three months ago I took an overdose of benzos with alcohol and last night I did the same thing but with diazepam this time. 

I have told my mother and in all honesty I am not sure I will make it to 30. My degree was the thing keeping me going and making me continue with last night and last night that didn’t even help stop me try to end my life.

If I have no reason to live how will I stop myself from killing myself? I am already such a big suicide risk with bipolar and bpd and being a rape victim that I really wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t make it to thirty. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

Self acceptance of madness is really hard 

I’m still really upset like yesterday and I’ve been crying today because I feel like when people criticise your own behaviour especially when it is due to mental illness it is the worst feeling in the whole world. I would take heartbreak over this but this is making me feel like I don’t and can’t accept myself because I can’t accept the person I become when I’m really unwell mentally. It’s really hard! 

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I don’t want to feel crazy

My bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder mean that at times I can act like what other perceive as ‘crazy’ or out of the norm behaviour. This week two people have called me out on my behaviour when I phoned them up just because they had not replied to a message. Of course this is forgetting my own insecurities that if I message someone saying I’m on the train and they don’t reply I’m worried that they will not see me at the station. Also, if someone’s messages come with read receipts and they don’t reply I assume they just won’t reply as they normally reply instantly.

I just don’t want others to feel I am crazy or that I’m acting crazy and it makes me feel terrible to feel like I’m acting crazy. I just don’t want these illnesses to genuinely make me act like an insane person. I just want to be normal. 

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

It’s been an awful week with my mental health

As I write this I cry. I’m crying because everything is too much for me at the moment and I can’t cope with my mood swings from high to low that are so rapid as well as my bpd symptoms which are just getting worse at the moment. I’m raid cycling from ecstatic high to those lows where you doubt whether people actually care about you even though they have shown examples of it in the past week. 

I just can’t take it and it’s been such a difficult week for me. I almost killed myself as my friend didn’t reply and it made me feel like he didn’t give a shit about me and it’s all just getting too much for me.

I am possibly feeling a lot worse as I’ve been off alcohol for a week and things are always a lot worse when you’ve been off alcohol for a week. My anxiety has been awful and resulted in me cancelling on everyone and it’s just so frustrating! 

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