Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

I feel like Sylvia Plath

No matter how good life is, whether I’m keeping busy or seeing my friends and family a lot I always get thoughts of suicide. Three months ago I took an overdose of benzos with alcohol and last night I did the same thing but with diazepam this time. 

I have told my mother and in all honesty I am not sure I will make it to 30. My degree was the thing keeping me going and making me continue with last night and last night that didn’t even help stop me try to end my life.

If I have no reason to live how will I stop myself from killing myself? I am already such a big suicide risk with bipolar and bpd and being a rape victim that I really wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t make it to thirty. 

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16 thoughts on “I feel like Sylvia Plath

  1. I feel like this sometimes, too. Try to find one thing, however small, and say at least I have this. For me, it’s my cat. Do you have anything like that? Another thing to do is to schedule activities or events that you can look forward to. Constantly have one that’s a few weeks or months ahead and tell yourself, I can’t kill myself until I go to that. If you always have one scheduled, you’ll never be able to kill yourself but it plays a little trick on your mind like “okay I have the out. I can kill myself. I’ll just wait until after this.” You still feel the relief associated with “suicide is an option”.

  2. Do you know that God, your Heavenly Father Loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life, don’t throw it away, He wants to lift you up, to give your life purpose, He did mine even when I tried to kill myself, I felt I was a nothing that no one could Love me especially Him but He did, it was still my choice but He gave me a reason to live.

    Jeremiah 29 :11-12 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you says the LORD, thoughts of Peace and not of evil to give you a Future and a Hope.

    Please listen to the song below when your feeling down, I do and it comforts me greatly.

    You will be in my thoughts and prayers- Anne.

  3. Hamish says:

    Ever thought of having a baby? Some say that starting a family can save them from those intense feelings. A close family member of mine was in that exact same position as you and she never thought she would make it to 30. She’s now 57, happy and healthy with a grandchild on the way. You can truly fight those struggles away. Take care now. H.

      • Hamish says:

        I completely understand that not to worry. Sorry for sounding too forward. I can’t help but sense that you’re now going through something quite crucial in your life that you’re hiding from friends and family which is making you feel this certain way. Correct me if I’m wrong. H.

      • Hamish says:

        Do tell me. What is it exactly you’re hiding from your family? Whatever it may be, my advice to you is to just write about it. H.

      • Hamish says:

        I’m saddened to hear that. I went through that rollercoaster with my family as a teen. It does in fact get better in time. Whether it’s a drug/booze battle, pregnancy or abuse. You can and will get through it. All the best. H.

  4. A lot of what you are describing is called suicidal ideation. I have suffered from it all my life. I have countless suicide attempts and been close enough twice to be in 2 comas for extended periods of times. It is nothing to feel bad about or anything…it is part of the illness…but it also something that you can not play around with at all. It took me years and too many close calls before I reached out and got the necessary help and put steps in place to try and stop me. Is it the perfect plan? No. Will it stop every attempt? No probably not. But it has prevented me from going too far quite often for a long time. My heart goes out to you. BTW…Sylvia Plath is my favorite poet. Wishing you the best! TC

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