Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, Mental Health, mental illness, sexual assault, Sexual Violence

I almost killed myself last night 

Last night after I wrote my post about the romanticisation of suicide and in particular the romanticisation of wrist cutting with intent to kill I kept thinking about it and then I went to the kitchen and was so close to doing it it was almost that the only thing that stopped me from going over to the knives was my instinct to live because I can sure as hell tell you it was not anything else.

Anyway, I called my hospital helpline in the morning and called my psychiatrist in the afternoon and she has increased one of my antipsychotics which I wasn’t even taking and she has told me I’m in a mixed affective state right now so both manic and suicidal.

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6 thoughts on “I almost killed myself last night 

  1. I just found your blog and I am so glad I did. I never thought that another soul shared such similar thoughts. I wouldn’t have found you today if you had left last night. Thank you for impacting my life today.

  2. You are priceless and irreplaceable. No one can say it like you do. It may be selfish of me to ask you to please stay with us, but fuck it, I’m saying it. Please. Stay with us, and keep on trying and keep writing. I can’t tell you there will be a reward for staying, and I can’t tell you it’ll get better, but I can hope and pray, and I do. I read several blogs along with yours, and countless times I’m praying and, I hate to admit it, crying my eyes out because I understand, and I want things to be better than they are, and better than they seem. I want us to be healed, but I’m realistically resolved to have to just endure. I feel the waves of depression myself, but not as bad as I know many people do. But I believe self harm has no reward, and suicide has no reward. Self-harm only leaves you in physical pain and slow and only partial recovery. Scars and self-debilitation aren’t really romantic. Neither is suicide, to me, although some people want to portray it like that. Maybe thinking it’s romantic is more comforting to some people, but I don’t see it. Suicide only leaves everyone who used to be around you numb, and wondering who will be next and when. Both just suck. So, selfish as I may be, thank you for choosing to battle on, and thank you for calling for help, and thank you for writing about it.

    Thank you for writing about your experiences in life and thank you for not letting it silence your inner poet. Poetry, now, that can be romantic. And even if it’s not, at least it’s your expression of you, something from your soul that only you can say like you do. I’m sorry I don’t encourage enough, but please know that I care and I do pray for you.

    I’m still looking for the “abundance” or at least the “life” of John 10:10, but I also hate giving “the thief” I call “the universe fucker” anything. Least of all, one of us. I hope you’ll keep fighting that old bastard. Thank you for your fighting spirit; it encourages me. And I hope eventually my prayers will be answered and we’ll find healing.

    Maybe sometimes you don’t feel strong, but you are strong. Maybe sometimes you don’t feel beautiful, but you are beautiful. Maybe sometimes you don’t feel loveable, but you are loved.

    ~DM

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