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On reading my own blog I find it difficult; it is so full of pain and suffering but that is only one part of my life

I have been reading over my own blog and I have found it difficult and I wonder whether I give an accurate representation of my life.

I write posts about my bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, my trauma and my suicidal thoughts and yet throughout all of this I find that I am still able to be happy and have good times with my friends and family even throughout the pain.

Ever since I’ve been on sodium valproate I have stopped rapid cycling so much and I have stopped feeling so emotional, intense and unable to cope with life; I’m getting better.

Yes I cry sometimes like anyone but I am no longer crying every single day and oscillating from bipolar mood swing in one day.

Yes I still get suicidal sometimes but I am reaching out for help now and not overdosing again like in mid-September.

I am coming out of a severe depression, I’ve stopped drinking so much and I’ve stopped taking drugs and now the only bad thing I do is smoke or smoke shisha. I very rarely even self harm now.

I feel like things are getting better for me and I am learning that I can’t do everything I want to do like take drugs and drink to excess because of my condition.

I still have bad days and recently as I’ve cut down on my substance abuse I’ve been feeling upset about my rapes but I can work on this with my new therapist to come and I am so thankful to have a fulfilled life with so many great friends and a supportive father and a great sister.

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It’s been a shit couple of weeks but things are looking up

So since I’ve last posted I’ve been in a bipolar depressive episode and I’ve been struggling to get out of bed and go to my university classes but the past couple of weeks I’ve been going to class again and feeling better.

It’s been a rollercoaster couple of weeks because my friend took an overdose and I had to deal with it and tell the university about him because he wasn’t getting help and it was getting too much for me.

I got suicidal a couple of weeks ago and had to have an emergency assessment but he sent me away and I was fine.

The university told me maybe I should take time out of university because of my mental health and this left me devastated but luckily the day after they said I didn’t need to and anyway I’ve found out I’m not allowed anymore leave of absences because I’ve already taken two years out.

On top of that I was told that I might fail one of my modules due to poor attendance but the university sorted it out for me and now everything is fine.

I went to Harley Street yesterday to see a psychiatrist and he said that he would find me a psychologist to help me with my borderline personality disorder as I have been struggling without the support of a psychologist.

I am in a better place now even though I’ve been a bit manic and have been recklessly restricting my eating and contacting people I cut out of my life.

I’m just feeling positive that the psych has said he can help me.

I saw almost all my home friends at once yesterday and I feel happy.

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