Over the past week I have gone crazy with spending. I bought myself a pair of really expensive diamond earrings, a designer suede leather studded bag and I have given £60 to a homeless man and £40 to university charities. I feel like I’ve been so out of control that I froze my bank account unto l I go to South America in the summer.
So because I’ve not completely stopped eating and I’ve just been cutting out carbs and eating salads and soups without bread apparently I don’t have an eating disorder.
I have still been throwing up unhealthy food and of course she should understand that there is a spectrum with eating disorders. Just because I’m not starving myself completely doesn’t mean I don’t have an eating disorder.
I am still feeling very low on energy all the time.
I have bipolar disorder but I am also a recovering alcoholic.
It was a gradual process. When I was 18 and going to clubs I drank so much I ended up throwing up the next day.
Then at university I would have one bottle of wine for pre drinks and then multiple rum and coke doubles or tequila shots and I was more drunk than everyone.
Once I had two bottles of wine at a party and threw up and then left with my best friend Will and continued to drink lots at the students union.
A fellow student told me he was concerned about the amount I was drinking.
Then when I came home from university I ended up drinking multiple doubles of gin and tonic about four times a week whilst my mother was out of the country.
I once ended up going to the GP after having drank six doubles and I was very drunk.
I stopped drinking for three months once I got depressed and then only had a drink this week as I have been manic and could not control myself.
I know my hardcore drinking also got worse after I was sexually assaulted.
As I can’t take drugs or drink alcohol my night out consists of staying at home and watching Bojack Horseman as well as eating soup because I’m hungry because I threw up my dinner but I’m anorexic so I don’t want to have any carbs.
So today I took out £400, spent almost two hundred pounds on makeup, gave twenty pounds to a university charity and spent £50 on a tattoo.
I ate a chicken salad wrap and then ended up impulsively giving into purging my brownies and also the chicken wrap. I then felt so guilty about the purging that I missed my class.
Then for dinner I had vegetarian pasta without cheese and ate two thirds of it.
No snacks and no coke and only tea with oat milk and one sugar because I like some sugar.
During the first week of university I wasn’t skipping meals but I was eating half a sandwich for lunch and I had no appetite to eat.
During my second week of university I skipped meals and I kept eating less and less. I was avoiding carbs and when I forced myself to eat a proper meal for lunch so I could work on my deadlines I didn’t eat much of the rice. On the same day I went to the toilet twice on my date with my boyfriend for our ten month anniversary and threw up.
Then the next day I only had one meal and I left loads of chips and just had one vegan sausage.
The following day I ate half a salad with no carbs and then had a mushroom soup for dinner without bread.
Today I ate Mac Donald’s and I just meant to get three chicken selects but they gave me a whole meal which I ended up eating even the chips because I was so hungry.
However, half an hour later I ended up throwing up the chips and chicken as I felt so guilty about eating the chips.
For dinner once again I had a vegetable soup without bread.
I have been drinking the oat milk with the least calories for the past week.
I have had phases before which could have resulted in an eating disorder but I managed to stop myself.
I don’t want to stop because I want to get thinner and feel better about myself, I like feeling in control and I think this was caused be my parents constantly making remarks about my weight.