I’m manic again. I’m dating a new guy and whenever I’m with him I can’t wait for action with him. However this high sex drive is a problem as we are exclusive and now I want to get back on tinder and swipe again. I know it’s just my bipolar mania but it’s a problem.
This week I took two overdoses; one on Saturday and one on Tuesday but I am not letting that stop me stay on at university.
Yes, I am currently taking it easy with my studies but I am here and I am going to continue on and be okay.
I’m going home next Thursday to Sunday and I will see some of my home friends as well as family which will be good.
Yes, it is hard but I refuse to give up.
My friend sent me this message: So wanted to thank you again for your example of battling through tough times and feeling comfortable in your own skin without makeup etc
I appreciate the sentiment but the fact is for the past few days every single night I’ve been thinking of slitting my wrists and overdosing. I have never been so suicidal and felt so awful in my life.
It’s hard and it feels like to be honest that I will give up at some point in the next 7 years by the time I’m thirty just like Sylvia Plath . I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth.
I have been through so much pain in my life including a lot of abuse and rape that it is only natural that along with my borderline personality disorder and my bipolar disorder that I want to die.
I don’t fucking feel strong at all right now and I can’t say that to my friend. I learnt a fucking prayer tonight to try and stop me from killing myself.
Last night after I wrote my post about the romanticisation of suicide and in particular the romanticisation of wrist cutting with intent to kill I kept thinking about it and then I went to the kitchen and was so close to doing it it was almost that the only thing that stopped me from going over to the knives was my instinct to live because I can sure as hell tell you it was not anything else.
Anyway, I called my hospital helpline in the morning and called my psychiatrist in the afternoon and she has increased one of my antipsychotics which I wasn’t even taking and she has told me I’m in a mixed affective state right now so both manic and suicidal.
So after three years of being trialled on probably around 8 medications for bipolar I think they have finally found a cocktail which works.
I am now on lithium carbonate, asenapine, sodium valproate and haloperidol and I have been stable for a week now. This is amazing as for the past three years I have pretty much not been stable at all and it’s the last time I’ve been stable since 2015.
I think this stability is genuinely going to last as I am going to keep taking my meds, this meds combo really seems to be working and I am going to keep the alcohol at a minimum of two beverages when I drink socially.
As I am getting stable it means maybe I can actually do the second semester abroad after all if the university let me.
I don’t know if anyone knows about the great website http://notguiltycampaign.co.uk but I have posted on there many times about my rapes and I have posted my poetry.
It’s been an off week for me with rape as I realised I was still following my second rapist and this made me very triggered and upset as I wanted him to know what a shit year I’ve had with my mental health and about my two suicide attempts.
I was talking to this guy from tinder and he seemed funny so I thought he was a catch but I probably missed warning signs as per usual.
On the date he purposefully got us absolutely wasted; we each had sixteen drinks and he paid for everything.
I have type 1 bipolar disorder anyway and I was very manic at the time so I was already very vulnerable at the time. I agreed to go to a hotel with him but probably just because I was so drunk and manic I didn’t know what I was doing.
I definitely didn’t consent to the sex because all I remember is him getting out a condom and assuming I was consenting and then I don’t even remember the start of the penetration. I do however recall him constantly trying to have sex with me and being a bit unsuccessful to start and it hurt so much. I really wanted it to stop but I was too drunk to make it stop. He tried to rape me again in my sleep and for some reason I had sex with him twice consensually after this a few hours later.
Another rape I want to bring up is after a night out when I had had far too much to drink and I can’t remember if I consented to the blow job and in fact I think I was far too drunk to consent anyway as I can hardly remember what happened.
Then six months after the oral rape I took an overdose and then four months later I took another overdose. I do have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder but I wouldn’t be surprised if these rapes have been contributing factors when it comes to my suicide attempts as after my virginity rape I almost jumped in front of a train.
So over the past year I have recklessly drunk alcohol, smoked cannabis about ten times, not been eating healthily and I’ve had way too much caffeine. I think especially the drugs and the alcohol have not helped to keep me stable and have most likely contributed to my two overdoses. In fact, I took one overdose a day or two days after I smoked a joint.
I have now decided to quit the drugs, only have one or two drinks maximum instead of more like 7, eat healthily and even try yoga.
I have also decided to work on my codependent relationships because of my mental illness and I have decided to completely take a break from my closest friendship as it is entirely based on support for my mental illness with no common ground or common banter.
I have also decided to avoid a group chat which I am dependent on for help with my problems.