I’m manic again. I’m dating a new guy and whenever I’m with him I can’t wait for action with him. However this high sex drive is a problem as we are exclusive and now I want to get back on tinder and swipe again. I know it’s just my bipolar mania but it’s a problem.
Two weeks ago I took an overdose of alcohol and benzos again hoping it would work again. It didn’t and I went to the emergency department but they just sent me home.
Then I went home and the next day I wanted to overdose on lithium. I thought about it a lot but I spent time with a friend.
The next day I thought about it after having a drink with a friend and the thought was just so strong I had to give in. But my friend called me whilst I was taking pills so he saved my life.
This time I was kept overnight in the hospital for observation of my physical health. All the tests were okay because I hadn’t taken too much as my friend had called me.
Then I went home to my parents from university and thought about slitting my wrists and jumping in front of trains so it was then that my father and I knew I needed to be in hospital.
As the NHS weren’t listening to me and wouldn’t hospitalise me we went private.
I am now feeling a lot better after a week of being in hospital.
I went out today but didn’t think of jumping in front of trains.
The only reason I can think of for why I have been feeling this way is that I was raped not long before.
Over the past year in 2017 I have attempted suicide five times. I overdoses twice in one week in mid- September and now this week I have overdosed twice and tried to cut my wrists on hospital equipment in a hospital.
I lied to the psychiatrist by withholding information; I didn’t tell him that I tried to kill myself in the hospital.
I’ve been seriously thinking about slitting my wrists since and I felt it even more tonight after going to A & E in England and being turned away and not admitted even though I spoke about slitting my wrists; I just felt abandoned.
Now I feel unsafe in my home and my father has hidden the knives which is just not feasible but it is the only way to keep me safe until I am hospitalised in a private hospital because I’m lucky that my parents have the funds to do this. I’m
I wonder if it is the build up of all my sexual traumas and rapes which have made me more suicidal again over time.
Unfortunately last Friday I was raped again. This guy said “so you want to shag then” and the next thing I know I was in shock and I froze and I felt something moving inside me.
This week I took two overdoses; one on Saturday and one on Tuesday but I am not letting that stop me stay on at university.
Yes, I am currently taking it easy with my studies but I am here and I am going to continue on and be okay.
I’m going home next Thursday to Sunday and I will see some of my home friends as well as family which will be good.
Yes, it is hard but I refuse to give up.
My friend sent me this message: So wanted to thank you again for your example of battling through tough times and feeling comfortable in your own skin without makeup etc
I appreciate the sentiment but the fact is for the past few days every single night I’ve been thinking of slitting my wrists and overdosing. I have never been so suicidal and felt so awful in my life.
It’s hard and it feels like to be honest that I will give up at some point in the next 7 years by the time I’m thirty just like Sylvia Plath . I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth.
I have been through so much pain in my life including a lot of abuse and rape that it is only natural that along with my borderline personality disorder and my bipolar disorder that I want to die.
I don’t fucking feel strong at all right now and I can’t say that to my friend. I learnt a fucking prayer tonight to try and stop me from killing myself.
Last night after I wrote my post about the romanticisation of suicide and in particular the romanticisation of wrist cutting with intent to kill I kept thinking about it and then I went to the kitchen and was so close to doing it it was almost that the only thing that stopped me from going over to the knives was my instinct to live because I can sure as hell tell you it was not anything else.
Anyway, I called my hospital helpline in the morning and called my psychiatrist in the afternoon and she has increased one of my antipsychotics which I wasn’t even taking and she has told me I’m in a mixed affective state right now so both manic and suicidal.
I fantasise about suicide sometimes. It’s strange, I have had threesomes but I don’t really fantasise about them or about other sexual situations but I fantasise about suicide.
I only fantasise about suicide in romantic ways of course.
Suicides that involve me drowning in a bath after taking a shitload of diazepam and maybe even slitting my wrists in the bath.
Even just the idea of slitting ones wrists in the bath are a fantasy.
Today I thought about slitting my wrists and I got so close to actually doing it. I was near the knives.
Before this happened I called up the hospital and told them I was fantasising. All they said was take your meds and go to sleep.
I am writing this post because maybe if I write about my fantasies it will keep me alive.