Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

Sometimes mental illness stops you doing things but I’m learning to be okay with this

After my recent suicide attempt I was not long after admitted to hospital as I felt like I had two weeks to live and I was genuinely thinking I would slit my wrists within the next two weeks. I have never felt so low ever and so at the mercy of bipolar depression and my mental illnesses. Luckily, instead of just letting myself possibly end my all too precious life I made a call to my psychiatrist and I asked my dad to pay for me to be admitted to the private hospital. 

I was there for two weeks and four days during which I was mainly really manic and fast talking. However by the time I left my rapid cycling stopped and I felt safe not long after arriving there actually.

The reason I tried to kill myself is because my psychologist crushed my dreams by saying I could not do year abroad due to my instability as I had been rapid cycling and constantly crying not long before.

After the overdose my psychiatrist said she definitely did not recommend year abroad and although she said it was ultimately my decision I decided to listen to her and not play Russian roulette with my life. It was tough and it made me very upset and depressed to do this but I know I could seriously get to a terrible place and feel so alone and actually kill myself if I went.

The alternative is not terrible; I’m going back to my original university to start my third year there.

I am not constantly crying now or planning on ending my life but it’s like anything; it will take time for me to feel more stable and be in a better place.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

I feel like Sylvia Plath

No matter how good life is, whether I’m keeping busy or seeing my friends and family a lot I always get thoughts of suicide. Three months ago I took an overdose of benzos with alcohol and last night I did the same thing but with diazepam this time. 

I have told my mother and in all honesty I am not sure I will make it to 30. My degree was the thing keeping me going and making me continue with last night and last night that didn’t even help stop me try to end my life.

If I have no reason to live how will I stop myself from killing myself? I am already such a big suicide risk with bipolar and bpd and being a rape victim that I really wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t make it to thirty. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

Self acceptance of madness is really hard 

I’m still really upset like yesterday and I’ve been crying today because I feel like when people criticise your own behaviour especially when it is due to mental illness it is the worst feeling in the whole world. I would take heartbreak over this but this is making me feel like I don’t and can’t accept myself because I can’t accept the person I become when I’m really unwell mentally. It’s really hard! 

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

It’s been an awful week with my mental health

As I write this I cry. I’m crying because everything is too much for me at the moment and I can’t cope with my mood swings from high to low that are so rapid as well as my bpd symptoms which are just getting worse at the moment. I’m raid cycling from ecstatic high to those lows where you doubt whether people actually care about you even though they have shown examples of it in the past week. 

I just can’t take it and it’s been such a difficult week for me. I almost killed myself as my friend didn’t reply and it made me feel like he didn’t give a shit about me and it’s all just getting too much for me.

I am possibly feeling a lot worse as I’ve been off alcohol for a week and things are always a lot worse when you’ve been off alcohol for a week. My anxiety has been awful and resulted in me cancelling on everyone and it’s just so frustrating! 

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

When the depression after mania hits 

I’ve been feeling quite low the past few days and some days I have been incapacitated and I’ve found some tasks impossible or really difficult to do. I thought that it was originally just because of the heartbreak with Josh and then because I didn’t get a job and a guy cancelled on me and a friend cancelled me all in one day but it doesn’t make sense that it would just be a borderline depression as I’m still feeling depressed today. I think I might be in a bipolar depression which would make sense as I was manic and you always have to come down. It just sucks as no one ever wants to feel like this and it makes me feel like the high wasn’t even worth it. 

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Borderline personality disorder

My bpd struggles 

I am just starting the DBT therapy with my psychologist for borderline personality disorder but I haven’t done my homework today. ( I will today). This week I felt very insecure a few times. Once my friend did not reply to my text but had been active on Facebook so I thought that she didn’t want to talk to me or see me anymore and that when I’d called her a lot of times because my phone calls weren’t going through as my phone was broken that that had annoyed her. I texted my guy friend saying how are you and as he didn’t reply I assumed that he had decided to not message me back just because I had liked a photo he was tagged in which was ridiculous as I do this all the time. In reality I think that maybe he didn’t reply as he is busy working and studying for exams and perhaps he could not be bothered to have that kinda convo when we had already spoken over group message a few times. I called my girl friend up and she is up for meeting on Saturday. 

I just wish I didn’t get so insecure and worry so much that people will leave my life! 

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Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

How an additional diagnosis of borderline personality disorder affects things

I am not going to lie, things have been very difficult at university with me constantly feeling unstable and going from intense, emotional moods and one or two day long severe depressions to two or three day long anxiety episodes. Everything got incredibly worse and I felt broken after a massive anxiety attack ended in me overdosing on anxiety pills and ending up in the NHS psychiatric hospital.

I hated it there. All the other patients were incredibly ill; one was delusional, one was constantly hysterical and some were agressive.

I went home to England to see my private psychiatrist and she looked at my personality disorder questionnaire and listened to what I had to say about borderline personality disorder and she said she thought I had borderline personality disorder. This would explain a lot of issues I have; I am constantly worrying about whether I am going to lose a friend because they haven’t replied to a text or they haven’t replied quickly enough and something like a friend being late can give me an anxiety attack. 

I also get situational lows where a friend cancels and it can make me suicidally depressed for a day, or I go and see my grandmother and I get suicidally depressed for a day but then the next day I’m fine.

During my teenage years I was constantly having short episodes of crying, dysphoria, feeling intense and being in emotional pain accompanied with anxiety. 

I have also cut three people out of my life this year and once tried to cut my mother out of my life and each time I have regretted it.

Accepting this new diagnosis additional diagnosis is so difficult and in particular because of the stigma; people have had nothing to say to my diagnosis or they have just said “oh right” in an unhappy tone. I feel like a lot of people will assume I cut when I don’t and might believe the stereotype that I am manipulative and a compulsive liar and an attention seeker when the truth is that when I take an overdose I am not looking for attention when I tell people; I just want support and people to help me get help from the professionals.

It feels like a relief and frustrating at the same time as it explains why even though I am on so much medication I am still having other additional issues but it is frustrating that I have to get access to therapy to get better and that I can’t just pop another pill.

What is ironic in a way is that due to the borderline personality disorder diagnosis I am now worried about losing friends by telling them when in fact this is absolutely a symptom of bpd! 

I will continue writing about my journey in the upcoming months.

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