Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness

You tell me I’m strong but I don’t feel strong 

My friend sent me this message: So wanted to thank you again for your example of battling through tough times and feeling comfortable in your own skin without makeup etc

I appreciate the sentiment but the fact is for the past few days every single night I’ve been thinking of slitting my wrists and overdosing. I have never been so suicidal and felt so awful in my life.

It’s hard and it feels like to be honest that I will give up at some point in the next 7 years by the time I’m thirty just like Sylvia Plath . I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth.

I have been through so much pain in my life including a lot of abuse and rape that it is only natural that along with my borderline personality disorder and my bipolar disorder that I want to die. 

I don’t fucking feel strong at all right now and I can’t say that to my friend. I learnt a fucking prayer tonight to try and stop me from killing myself.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, Mental Health, mental illness, sexual assault, Sexual Violence

I almost killed myself last night 

Last night after I wrote my post about the romanticisation of suicide and in particular the romanticisation of wrist cutting with intent to kill I kept thinking about it and then I went to the kitchen and was so close to doing it it was almost that the only thing that stopped me from going over to the knives was my instinct to live because I can sure as hell tell you it was not anything else.

Anyway, I called my hospital helpline in the morning and called my psychiatrist in the afternoon and she has increased one of my antipsychotics which I wasn’t even taking and she has told me I’m in a mixed affective state right now so both manic and suicidal.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, depression, Journal, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

University and bipolar disorder is difficult but not impossible

I haven’t blogged for months and it’s because I’ve been busy at university with my studies, my social life and bipolar. I am not going to lie and tell you it has been easy. There have been weeks when I’ve done no work because I’ve been depressed or manic, I was suicidal for a few days and I’ve had bursts of manic anger but I have managed. I have taken days off of school for doctors appointments or for sickness but I have completed all of my assignments and at the moment I am taking my exams and I have been doing well at school even though at times I have been really quite ill mentally. I have been extremely anxious for months and even had panic attacks. I have alienated friends by talking about my mental health too much with them and I have even lost friends from being too intense but I’m still here and I’m achieving and I’m happy to have met some wonderful people and to have reconnected with friends.

Recently my friend told me that me talking about my anxiety to him a lot was too much for him and I instantly took this on board and decided to go to the university staff about my mental health instead of my friends. I instantly felt so bad and guilty for what I had done and I wanted to remedy this.

I feel great because I have proved the people wrong who thought that I was too ill to go to university. Bipolar disorder may disable me but it is not stopping me from functioning and getting on with my life.

 

 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Blog Post, depression, Journal, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

Manic isn’t me- when someone meets you after a manic episode

My ex-open boyfriend met me when I was in a manic episode. I was so full of life, energy, humour and love when I was with him. The electricity was turned on and I couldn’t turn it off. Then when I was back at university and I got depressed and talked to him on the phone he was confused. He thought that this was my permanent state, that he knew who I was. But he couldn’t be more wrong. My state of mind had changed and he didn’t like what he saw. He wanted me to be constantly happy, elated. joyful. It is funny how people who don’t know you well can think your manic self is your true self and then they don’t want to be around you when you are low.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, depression, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

Sometimes you have to make the right decision even if it isn’t the decision you want to make

Like many sufferers from bipolar, when I am hypomanic I am sometimes reluctant to tell the psychiatrist as I am enjoying myself in my high and don’t want to stop having fun. This happened to me recently but instead of riding the high I phones up my psychiatrist after going to a bipolar group where they told me to talk to the doctor. She told me to up one of my medications again which I had been taking on a lower dosage. I’m aware that I have been enjoying myself but I don’t want to be unable to study when I go back to university.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Blog Post, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I accept an improved state of mind as better rather than searching for perfection

At the beginning of my journey towards better mental health I was hoping that on the right medication I would be rid of my highs and lows and that I could stop self harming forever. Now that  I have been living with mental health problems for a couple of years I don’t think this is the case. Even with all of my medications I still get bipolar symptoms but the fact is these symptoms are often much less extreme than before or I have dealt ways to deal with my symptoms.

Recently I have tried to reduce my self harm by exercising a lot more. It has partly helped as I have self harmed less but I don’t see how I could ever completely stop scratching as it’s always there when I need a coping mechanism to cope with my agitation most likely caused by my traumatised mind. But I am going to keep on swimming and see if I can reduce self harm by doing that.

 

 

 

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