Blog Post, Feminism, Rape, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

When It Comes To My Rape I Pretend I’m Stronger Than I Am

I haven’t spoke completely honestly about my rape on here because I’ve wanted to think I am better and stronger than I am. The truth is that although I am making a lot of progress in my recovery there are still days sometimes when I feel the great weight of the pain from rape stopping me from moving forward with my life. On these days I often find myself writing letters to the rapist or myself or writing down my feelings about the rape.

In all honesty, I struggled to face the third month anniversary because it was a reminder for me that I had actually been raped and I couldn’t bear to face this fact. 

So yes, I am strong and I am refusing to let this defeat me but there are some days when I struggle and that’s understandable given what I’ve been through and as it’s only been almost four months now. 

creative writing, Feminism, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, Rape, Sexual Violence

I Refuse To Let You Have Power Over Me 

Like a boulder you crushed me mentally, emotionally, sexually.

You left a negative imprint upon me.

Now my scar from rape is healing-

I cannot erase the wonderful memories with you from my mind,

I still wear the dresses I wore with you

And the underwear.

I refuse to let you have any power over me-

I am strong and I now feel absolutely nothing towards you

Except my locked up anger.

Copyright © C.M.H August 2015 

Feminism, Human Rights, Journal, Sexual Violence

My Recovery From Rape

I have come along way in my recovery from rape which only happened nearly 3 months ago already. It has helped me to share my full story on survivor websites, to write poetry about it and of course have therapy and talk about it. I have written numerous no send letters to my rapist and I even did the bold thing of sending my rapist a text message maturely explaining my feelings about it to get my anger out. Basically, I think I have come to terms with what happened and am starting to accept it as a part of my life. I won’t let my rape define me but it is unfortunately a part of my life.

Some positive things have come from my rape such as lots of poems written when I was processing what happened and my feelings.

I no longer have any feelings towards my rapist and in 2 months I managed to get past the hurt part of being raped and unlock my anger towards my rapist.

I didn’t report because I thought it would be too damaging for my mental health as I have bipolar disorder and am very fragile but by telling my rapist in person what he did and sending the text message and sharing the date rape post I managed to get some power back. 

I am learning from this experience that I need to be less trusting of men for my own safety in certain ways because unfortunately men don’t go around with “rapist” written on their heads, however I am aware I need to strike a balance.

I am going to continue my psychotherapy and perhaps have some more EMDR therapy as it helped me in the past to deal with sexual assaults. 

Feminism, Poème, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, Rape, Sexual Violence

Rape Is Murder

Virginal rape is murder of innocence.

Rape is murder of the body,

Rape is murder of the sexuality,

Rape is murder of the soul,

Rape is murder of the heart.
Picking the petals of roses 

Without the consent of the beautiful rose is sexual assault.

Ripping the head of a rose off unlawfully is rape. 

Copyright © C.M.H August 2015

Feminism, Human Rights, Rape, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

Suicidal Thoughts And Rape

I think by making this post I can lay things to rest. When I finally accepted I had been raped I immediately came out of a hypo/manic episode and went into an extreme low to the point that I was suicidal. I almost jumped in front of a train which is at which point I went to see my GP and was hospitalised. It seemed to me that life was just not worth living and nothing positive in my life like my family and friends were enough. 

Thankfully I am now out of that terribly dark place after having the hospital treatment and therapy whilst in hospital but unfortunately some rape victims do end up taking their lives and it can be very difficult to get out of that dark place. It is estimated that about 33% of rape victims have suicidal thoughts and 13% attempt suicide. 

Feminism, Human Rights, Journal, Rape, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

Date Rape Is Rape

It seems to me from what I hear about in the news when it comes to rape and sexual assault that the people who open up about rape or are unwillingly exposed to whole communities often experience a whole torrent of victim blaming.

Many people victim blamed me by saying that I couldn’t get half naked with a man and not expect him to want sex. The funny thing is, do men normally stay half clothed like you are and just walk towards you on the bed slowly and at the last minute penetrate you without saying anything ? When it happened it was a total surprise and I was in complete shock to begin with before I was just confused. Luckily, I pushed him away after a bit. Yes, I feel I consented to the rest of the sexual activity before that but just because I consented to everything else before the rape doesn’t mean the penetration wasn’t rape. 

Someone also referred to stranger rape and said that if a stranger had forced themselves on me it would have been rape but because I was dating the guy and really liked him there was no way it could be rape.

Someone also said that they think I have a skewed idea about rape before I even told them what happened. 

People also need to be aware that just because he stopped if you pushed him off you or something doesn’t mean it wasn’t rape if you didn’t consent at all to what was happening before you pushed him away. 

I have been seriously sexually assaulted but not raped on many occasions whilst intoxicated before the rape. The response of many people is to tell me to cut down on my alcohol intake and stop drinking so much on nights out. Drinking doesn’t cause rape, people do! (Yes, women sometimes rape too) I completely disagree with them and think if anything what has made me more vulnerable than others to sexual violence is my naivety and tendency to trust people too easily.

This post just shows how  rife victim blaming is from my experience at least. Victim blaming is sometimes considered by rape and sexual assault survivors as worse than the rape and I completely agree. I was thinking of writing a suicide note to someone I really needed help from to deal with the aftermath of the rape because she completely disbelieved me and blamed me for my actions. 

In conclusion, I think societal attitudes really need to be changed as at least from my own experience it seems people still blame people for rape if they have some kind of sexual relationship with the person before or if the victim has been drinking. I also think it is really vital that everyone is taught about consent and the definitions of sexual assault so that we can work on preventing rape and sexual assault. 

Article, Blog Post, Feminism, Poetry

We need to stop the menstruation shame

Here is ‘Period Poem’ by Dominique Christina.

We really do need to stop the period shame. I think many girls feel ashamed and embarrassed the first time they start their period and I certainly was and didn’t tell my best friend at school at the time until two weeks after.

My mother even uses the euphemism “supplies” for sanitary towels and I will admit that I was very embarrassed for a while to even go into a shop and buy sanitary products.

Also, no female shame is worse than the discovery that you have period blood all over your shorts and have been wearing your shorts all day. This shouldn’t be the case. Girls should feel proud when they start their periods and not ashamed, dirty and disgusting.

The most outrageous sexism and discrimination against women is now happening; there is a 5% tax on sanitary towels now in the UK but no tax on men’s razors! Evidently this whole menstruation thing that half the female population experience at some point in their lives is of no importance as George Osborne must want us to publicly bleed everywhere.

Here is the petition against the tax if you want to sign: