Bipolar, bipolar disorder, depression, Journal, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

University and bipolar disorder is difficult but not impossible

I haven’t blogged for months and it’s because I’ve been busy at university with my studies, my social life and bipolar. I am not going to lie and tell you it has been easy. There have been weeks when I’ve done no work because I’ve been depressed or manic, I was suicidal for a few days and I’ve had bursts of manic anger but I have managed. I have taken days off of school for doctors appointments or for sickness but I have completed all of my assignments and at the moment I am taking my exams and I have been doing well at school even though at times I have been really quite ill mentally. I have been extremely anxious for months and even had panic attacks. I have alienated friends by talking about my mental health too much with them and I have even lost friends from being too intense but I’m still here and I’m achieving and I’m happy to have met some wonderful people and to have reconnected with friends.

Recently my friend told me that me talking about my anxiety to him a lot was too much for him and I instantly took this on board and decided to go to the university staff about my mental health instead of my friends. I instantly felt so bad and guilty for what I had done and I wanted to remedy this.

I feel great because I have proved the people wrong who thought that I was too ill to go to university. Bipolar disorder may disable me but it is not stopping me from functioning and getting on with my life.

 

 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Blog Post, depression, Journal, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

Manic isn’t me- when someone meets you after a manic episode

My ex-open boyfriend met me when I was in a manic episode. I was so full of life, energy, humour and love when I was with him. The electricity was turned on and I couldn’t turn it off. Then when I was back at university and I got depressed and talked to him on the phone he was confused. He thought that this was my permanent state, that he knew who I was. But he couldn’t be more wrong. My state of mind had changed and he didn’t like what he saw. He wanted me to be constantly happy, elated. joyful. It is funny how people who don’t know you well can think your manic self is your true self and then they don’t want to be around you when you are low.

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Feminism, Journal, Mental Health, mental illness, no send letter, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

A final letter to you, my rapist; I’m moving on

I want to say I hate you but the words don’t slip out of my mouth smoothly.

Instead I ask you why? Why did you do this? What provoked you to hurt me so much?

I wish I’d asked you when I had the chance but now I will never get an answer.

The only satisfaction I will ever get is that I made you cry by describing what you did to me without saying the words rape.

The only justice I will get is that i got you to almost confess as you confessed that you attempted to rape me before I corrected you and said it was rape.

I don’t hate you as a whole person but I hate the part of you that decided to humiliate and get power over a young woman who was very ill with bipolar disorder at the time.

I hate what you did to me. I hate what you inflicted on me at the time and I hate how you made me feel for minutes, hours, days and months afterwards. I hate that disgusting memory you gave me with your violent forceful act.

As I said to you before and I will say again, you had no right to take my choice, my virginity, my power, to not use a condom and temporarily take my life from me as I was left to build myself back up after the fallout.

I really hope if you don’t now that at some point you will feel guilty for so cruelly leaving a permanent mark on someone’s life and that you will learn your lesson and never commit such a vile crime ever again.

You have not broken me, you have not defeated me, you have not crushed me. You no longer have ANY power over me. I have written lots of poems about the trauma you inflicted on me, lots of letters to you and I have mourned what we had.

I am moving on and I am going back to university in September to start the second year of my degree.

I am going to have a good life and I will not let what you did stop me from enjoying myself and hold me back from achieving what I want and living the life I would have otherwise lived.

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Journal, Rape, Sexual Violence

Grieving The Loss Of A Relationship 6 Months On

I think the problem is that the rape made me forget the fact I had someone to get over, someone I really cared about. It’s easy to forget that if someone’s raped you.

I wrote a lot of very personal poems expressing my feelings towards him and now I feel that my soul has been cleansed and I can move on and get back into dating. 

Due to the fact that I had had lots of therapy for my rape I wasn’t really upset about the rape coming up to the six months anniversary but the loss of a relationship and a person very important to me and the gap in my life now.

I think I need to get over him by having other great experiences with others.

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Journal, Mental Health, Rape, Sexual Violence

My Scratching Shows My Pain

I know I am in pain again because I have started self harming by scratching again and specifically on my wrist. I hardly ever did this anymore until recently. I started during the lead up to therapy. I know it is because of my trauma of my rape that I scratch but I don’t know how to stop. I am out of control and the moment and find it very hard to stop. 

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Feminism, Human Rights, Journal, Sexual Violence

My Recovery From Rape

I have come along way in my recovery from rape which only happened nearly 3 months ago already. It has helped me to share my full story on survivor websites, to write poetry about it and of course have therapy and talk about it. I have written numerous no send letters to my rapist and I even did the bold thing of sending my rapist a text message maturely explaining my feelings about it to get my anger out. Basically, I think I have come to terms with what happened and am starting to accept it as a part of my life. I won’t let my rape define me but it is unfortunately a part of my life.

Some positive things have come from my rape such as lots of poems written when I was processing what happened and my feelings.

I no longer have any feelings towards my rapist and in 2 months I managed to get past the hurt part of being raped and unlock my anger towards my rapist.

I didn’t report because I thought it would be too damaging for my mental health as I have bipolar disorder and am very fragile but by telling my rapist in person what he did and sending the text message and sharing the date rape post I managed to get some power back. 

I am learning from this experience that I need to be less trusting of men for my own safety in certain ways because unfortunately men don’t go around with “rapist” written on their heads, however I am aware I need to strike a balance.

I am going to continue my psychotherapy and perhaps have some more EMDR therapy as it helped me in the past to deal with sexual assaults. 

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Feminism, Human Rights, Journal, Rape, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

Date Rape Is Rape

It seems to me from what I hear about in the news when it comes to rape and sexual assault that the people who open up about rape or are unwillingly exposed to whole communities often experience a whole torrent of victim blaming.

Many people victim blamed me by saying that I couldn’t get half naked with a man and not expect him to want sex. The funny thing is, do men normally stay half clothed like you are and just walk towards you on the bed slowly and at the last minute penetrate you without saying anything ? When it happened it was a total surprise and I was in complete shock to begin with before I was just confused. Luckily, I pushed him away after a bit. Yes, I feel I consented to the rest of the sexual activity before that but just because I consented to everything else before the rape doesn’t mean the penetration wasn’t rape. 

Someone also referred to stranger rape and said that if a stranger had forced themselves on me it would have been rape but because I was dating the guy and really liked him there was no way it could be rape.

Someone also said that they think I have a skewed idea about rape before I even told them what happened. 

People also need to be aware that just because he stopped if you pushed him off you or something doesn’t mean it wasn’t rape if you didn’t consent at all to what was happening before you pushed him away. 

I have been seriously sexually assaulted but not raped on many occasions whilst intoxicated before the rape. The response of many people is to tell me to cut down on my alcohol intake and stop drinking so much on nights out. Drinking doesn’t cause rape, people do! (Yes, women sometimes rape too) I completely disagree with them and think if anything what has made me more vulnerable than others to sexual violence is my naivety and tendency to trust people too easily.

This post just shows how  rife victim blaming is from my experience at least. Victim blaming is sometimes considered by rape and sexual assault survivors as worse than the rape and I completely agree. I was thinking of writing a suicide note to someone I really needed help from to deal with the aftermath of the rape because she completely disbelieved me and blamed me for my actions. 

In conclusion, I think societal attitudes really need to be changed as at least from my own experience it seems people still blame people for rape if they have some kind of sexual relationship with the person before or if the victim has been drinking. I also think it is really vital that everyone is taught about consent and the definitions of sexual assault so that we can work on preventing rape and sexual assault. 

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