bipolar disorder, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

My bipolar has got easier manage with time but it’s still difficult

I called up a bipolar helpline today as things are getting too much for me and I’m feeling overwhelmed by everything that I have been feeling. It became clear that if I had actually made some terrible manic reckless decisions they would have said different things but I haven’t so they were fine with me waiting to see the psych once I’m back at university. Besides, although I am struggling I don’t really want any medication changes as I don’t want to have my emotions numbed and I have been worse anyway.

I have been struggling with such intense feelings of love, worry, anxiety, anger and inflated ego and grandiosity as well as euphoria. It just all feels too much even for me and I want to feel less. My ego is inflated as I am constantly thinking about how beautiful my physical appearance is all the time even when I’m not looking in the mirror. Normally I don’t think I’m ugly but at the same time I do not feel that I am so bloody important.

I have also been very cheeky with people and I’ve started to make inappropriate and offensive jokes.

I would take my PRN meds but they are not prescribing them to me anymore.

So in spite of the fact that I am not being promiscuous or spending lots of money I am having trouble dealing with how intense my feelings are.

Bipolar, bipolar disorder, depression, Journal, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

University and bipolar disorder is difficult but not impossible

I haven’t blogged for months and it’s because I’ve been busy at university with my studies, my social life and bipolar. I am not going to lie and tell you it has been easy. There have been weeks when I’ve done no work because I’ve been depressed or manic, I was suicidal for a few days and I’ve had bursts of manic anger but I have managed. I have taken days off of school for doctors appointments or for sickness but I have completed all of my assignments and at the moment I am taking my exams and I have been doing well at school even though at times I have been really quite ill mentally. I have been extremely anxious for months and even had panic attacks. I have alienated friends by talking about my mental health too much with them and I have even lost friends from being too intense but I’m still here and I’m achieving and I’m happy to have met some wonderful people and to have reconnected with friends.

Recently my friend told me that me talking about my anxiety to him a lot was too much for him and I instantly took this on board and decided to go to the university staff about my mental health instead of my friends. I instantly felt so bad and guilty for what I had done and I wanted to remedy this.

I feel great because I have proved the people wrong who thought that I was too ill to go to university. Bipolar disorder may disable me but it is not stopping me from functioning and getting on with my life.



Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Blog Post, depression, Journal, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

Manic isn’t me- when someone meets you after a manic episode

My ex-open boyfriend met me when I was in a manic episode. I was so full of life, energy, humour and love when I was with him. The electricity was turned on and I couldn’t turn it off. Then when I was back at university and I got depressed and talked to him on the phone he was confused. He thought that this was my permanent state, that he knew who I was. But he couldn’t be more wrong. My state of mind had changed and he didn’t like what he saw. He wanted me to be constantly happy, elated. joyful. It is funny how people who don’t know you well can think your manic self is your true self and then they don’t want to be around you when you are low.

art, Bipolar, bipolar disorder, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

It is a false world we live in

I am a young woman aching with pain.

Pain from my scratches

subtly seeps through my veins

until it is on display.

I don’t want fame.

I just want them to understand, listen, empathise, believe.


It is a false world we live in

when the people who aren’t okay

and are struggling the most

Have to pretend they are okay

to fit into this false world.


Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Blog Post, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I accept an improved state of mind as better rather than searching for perfection

At the beginning of my journey towards better mental health I was hoping that on the right medication I would be rid of my highs and lows and that I could stop self harming forever. Now that  I have been living with mental health problems for a couple of years I don’t think this is the case. Even with all of my medications I still get bipolar symptoms but the fact is these symptoms are often much less extreme than before or I have dealt ways to deal with my symptoms.

Recently I have tried to reduce my self harm by exercising a lot more. It has partly helped as I have self harmed less but I don’t see how I could ever completely stop scratching as it’s always there when I need a coping mechanism to cope with my agitation most likely caused by my traumatised mind. But I am going to keep on swimming and see if I can reduce self harm by doing that.




Bipolar, bipolar disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

Mental illness recovery gets easier if you learn to cope on your own

I think that mental illness recovery gets easier once you learn to cope on your own. When I couldn’t cope on my own I felt very fragile and I was constantly depending on others such as nurses, my psychiatrist, the Bipolar UK helpline and The Samaritans to help me on my journey. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you do need a psychiatrist appointment sooner than planned but what I am trying to say is perhaps it’s better to have a higher severity of symptoms that you can cope with on your own before you go to the psychiatrist.

I have learnt to cope with manic and depressive symptoms on my own to an extent and now I feel stronger, less fragile and feel that my recovery is going well instead of feeling that my recovery isn’t well simply because I am seeing my psychiatrist a lot as I am not coping.

The last time I was manic I wasn’t destructive. I was just very goal orientated and was focused on posting a lot on my blog so I could achieve my aim of creating change a person at a time through my blog. If I had acted promiscuously or done something that involved nudity I would have told my psychiatrist but compared to some of my typical manic behaviour I was quite conservative.

I was physically ill recently and spent a lot of time in home and in my bed. As a result of this I got severely depressed to the point that I was despairing and passively suicidal. My response was to deal with it myself and ensure that I spent a sufficient amount of time going for a walks and getting out of the house as I knew my depression was circumstantial and the world seemed bleak to me as I wasn’t doing much and was stuck in the house.

I got out of the darkest parts of the depression where I was thinking of euthanasia and I feel okay now.

I also managed to stop some of my recent manic behaviour where I was extreme dieting by cutting out carbs and skipping meals as I decided that it wasn’t good for my moods for me to not eat properly.

Of course although I think it’s good to be able to cope with bipolar alone I agree that sometimes immediate help from a health professional is required for example if you are severely manic and psychotic or severely depressed and actively suicidal but I think it’s good to be able to cope with the lesser extremes when you are not in crisis or know you can get out that dark place on your own.




Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Blog Post, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

Sometimes you know exactly what you need or don’t need when it comes to mental health treatment

The other day I decided I didn’t need to go to the day hospital or have one on one therapy for the moment. I didn’t make those decisions without reason; I have gotten to the point where I no longer have anything to discuss in therapy and I personally think that too much therapy is unhealthy as you start going over things again and again or you constantly ask the question ‘how was your week?’.

It wasn’t just me who thinks I don’t need therapy as I discussed this in my second last group in front of my psychologist and she also thinks I don’t need therapy.

I am going to continue to take my medications every day as prescribed and see my psychiatrist in March with my dad. I am also going to continue to not drink, limit my caffeine, get exercise and eat healthily.

I had some periods of mild low at the weekend but I didn’t get suicidal or despairing and I had absolutely no trouble getting out of bed so that is an improvement on my last low.