Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness

My sister is saying she doesn’t want to hear about my mental health issues but I think we need to speak up

I’m finding it really hard now as my sister is saying she doesn’t want to support me with my mental health issues but she’s said she is a supportive friend.

She said two of her friends have been suicidal but now they are fine and only have a bad day occasionally. I think it’s unfair she’s comparing me to them because everyone is different and I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder so I’m always going to have problems with my health even though DBT therapy is really helping me overcome my overdose problem and I haven’t overdosed since February!

Also, I see problems in her unwillingness to discuss mental health as it’s really important to discuss mental health particularly when people get suicidal as you never know who someone will ten to or who someone has to turn to at that moment.

For example, if I were suicidal and in my family Home and only my sister were around I would have to turn to her.

A lot of people die because they don’t talk to people about suicidal thoughts as it is; we really need to be more open about mental health.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness

You tell me I’m strong but I don’t feel strong 

My friend sent me this message: So wanted to thank you again for your example of battling through tough times and feeling comfortable in your own skin without makeup etc

I appreciate the sentiment but the fact is for the past few days every single night I’ve been thinking of slitting my wrists and overdosing. I have never been so suicidal and felt so awful in my life.

It’s hard and it feels like to be honest that I will give up at some point in the next 7 years by the time I’m thirty just like Sylvia Plath . I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth.

I have been through so much pain in my life including a lot of abuse and rape that it is only natural that along with my borderline personality disorder and my bipolar disorder that I want to die. 

I don’t fucking feel strong at all right now and I can’t say that to my friend. I learnt a fucking prayer tonight to try and stop me from killing myself.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, Mental Health, mental illness, sexual assault, Sexual Violence

I almost killed myself last night 

Last night after I wrote my post about the romanticisation of suicide and in particular the romanticisation of wrist cutting with intent to kill I kept thinking about it and then I went to the kitchen and was so close to doing it it was almost that the only thing that stopped me from going over to the knives was my instinct to live because I can sure as hell tell you it was not anything else.

Anyway, I called my hospital helpline in the morning and called my psychiatrist in the afternoon and she has increased one of my antipsychotics which I wasn’t even taking and she has told me I’m in a mixed affective state right now so both manic and suicidal.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness, Rape, sexual assault

The not guilty website is not letting me post so I’ll post about my rapes here

I don’t know if anyone knows about the great website http://notguiltycampaign.co.uk but I have posted on there many times about my rapes and I have posted my poetry. 

It’s been an off week for me with rape as I realised I was still following my second rapist and this made me very triggered and upset as I wanted him to know what a shit year I’ve had with my mental health and about my two suicide attempts.

I was talking to this guy from tinder and he seemed funny so I thought he was a catch but I probably missed warning signs as per usual.

On the date he purposefully got us absolutely wasted; we each had sixteen drinks and he paid for everything.

I have type 1 bipolar disorder anyway and I was very manic at the time so I was already very vulnerable at the time. I agreed to go to a hotel with him but probably just because I was so drunk and manic I didn’t know what I was doing.

I definitely didn’t consent to the sex because all I remember is him getting out a condom and assuming I was consenting and then I don’t even remember the start of the penetration. I do however recall him constantly trying to have sex with me and being a bit unsuccessful to start and it hurt so much. I really wanted it to stop but I was too drunk to make it stop. He tried to rape me again in my sleep and for some reason I had sex with him twice consensually after this a few hours later.

Another rape I want to bring up is after a night out when I had had far too much to drink and I can’t remember if I consented to the blow job and in fact I think I was far too drunk to consent anyway as I can hardly remember what happened.

Then six months after the oral rape I took an overdose and then four months later I took another overdose. I do have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder but I wouldn’t be surprised if these rapes have been contributing factors when it comes to my suicide attempts as after my virginity rape I almost jumped in front of a train.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

Sometimes mental illness stops you doing things but I’m learning to be okay with this

After my recent suicide attempt I was not long after admitted to hospital as I felt like I had two weeks to live and I was genuinely thinking I would slit my wrists within the next two weeks. I have never felt so low ever and so at the mercy of bipolar depression and my mental illnesses. Luckily, instead of just letting myself possibly end my all too precious life I made a call to my psychiatrist and I asked my dad to pay for me to be admitted to the private hospital. 

I was there for two weeks and four days during which I was mainly really manic and fast talking. However by the time I left my rapid cycling stopped and I felt safe not long after arriving there actually.

The reason I tried to kill myself is because my psychologist crushed my dreams by saying I could not do year abroad due to my instability as I had been rapid cycling and constantly crying not long before.

After the overdose my psychiatrist said she definitely did not recommend year abroad and although she said it was ultimately my decision I decided to listen to her and not play Russian roulette with my life. It was tough and it made me very upset and depressed to do this but I know I could seriously get to a terrible place and feel so alone and actually kill myself if I went.

The alternative is not terrible; I’m going back to my original university to start my third year there.

I am not constantly crying now or planning on ending my life but it’s like anything; it will take time for me to feel more stable and be in a better place.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

I feel like Sylvia Plath

No matter how good life is, whether I’m keeping busy or seeing my friends and family a lot I always get thoughts of suicide. Three months ago I took an overdose of benzos with alcohol and last night I did the same thing but with diazepam this time. 

I have told my mother and in all honesty I am not sure I will make it to 30. My degree was the thing keeping me going and making me continue with last night and last night that didn’t even help stop me try to end my life.

If I have no reason to live how will I stop myself from killing myself? I am already such a big suicide risk with bipolar and bpd and being a rape victim that I really wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t make it to thirty. 

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

It’s been an awful week with my mental health

As I write this I cry. I’m crying because everything is too much for me at the moment and I can’t cope with my mood swings from high to low that are so rapid as well as my bpd symptoms which are just getting worse at the moment. I’m raid cycling from ecstatic high to those lows where you doubt whether people actually care about you even though they have shown examples of it in the past week. 

I just can’t take it and it’s been such a difficult week for me. I almost killed myself as my friend didn’t reply and it made me feel like he didn’t give a shit about me and it’s all just getting too much for me.

I am possibly feeling a lot worse as I’ve been off alcohol for a week and things are always a lot worse when you’ve been off alcohol for a week. My anxiety has been awful and resulted in me cancelling on everyone and it’s just so frustrating! 

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