art, creative writing, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I want someone to tell me it will be okay

I want someone to tell me it will be okay
But it can’t ever be with pain under the surface
Of my life.

My body reminds me of my rape.
Of his violent body forcing itself inside
Mine.

I now bravely wear the dress I wore that day
And the bra
And I feel powerful.
But nothing can undo what he did to me,
What he took from me.

There are times I wish I could live a normal life.
Not worry that a man is going to fast
And needs to slow down.
Not feel that all men could potentially rape.
But how can I?

Instead I live this beautiful lie.
The lie that he didn’t ruin me with his act
That I’m not staying away from the axe.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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art, creative writing, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

Shisha calms my bones

Blood in my blunt nails
Each time it feels I’ve failed-

Lost self, lost night, lost life.
But Shisha stopped me bleeding so much tonight.

Shisha calmed my bones.
It took me home
To a tranquil place
Where I was safe.

To stop the bleeding it seems
You have to give in to other indulgences,
Other sins.
I have too much pain stored in my bones
To cope all on my own.
My trauma doesn’t live in my mind anymore
But it’s still stuck in my bones.
I need some release,
I need some calming shisha,
A cigarette or two.
At least that isn’t as bad as subtly making myself bleed.
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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art, creative writing, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

The worst things can become the best

One day that I will always remember
For the worst reasons.
But this year I have to make it good;
Filled with laughter, dancing and friendship.

The worst things can become the best;
This anniversary doesn’t have to kill me every year
As I remember what almost killed me,
Took away my life,
What gave me nightmares for so much of my life.

This year I take note that I am okay,
No longer in a manic haze.
That I haven’t tried to kill myself in almost a year.
That I can’t remember the last time I had nightmares
Or got really scared of men and had anxiety attacks.
That my depressions aren’t as bad anymore.
These things are worth celebrating.

My rape hasn’t ruined my life.
I am living.
And I wouldn’t get rid of if it from my past if I could
Because it is a part of me,
A part of my life experience
That has made me the person I am today.

I have more empathy, I have my compassion, I feel for people suffering
And I wouldn’t change that for the world.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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art, creative writing, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

You are stuck in my body

What was never properly begun

Is now etched into my skin the wrong way.

You are out of my head

But I can’t remove the scars from my body.
Copyright © Electra Rose April 2016

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Mental Health, mental illness, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I think it’s important to do things at your own pace after rape

In many ways it feels like I have moved on from my rape over the past month. I haven’t cried about my rapist or rape or felt in a lot of emotional pain because of it. I have no longer been angry and moved by strong emotions related to my rapist. I haven’t called up the rape helpline or talked to someone about it. I have even decided that I don’t need therapy for the moment as I’ve already gone through all of my bad things in my past including my rape and I feel like going over things even more is just unhealthy.

And yet it seems my sex life is still affected by my rape even though I have emotionally moved on. Whereas three months after I was cerial dating and having heated make out sessions with people now I have no desire to date or have encounters with people whatsoever and I don’t know how long this will last. I just think I have to only do what I want to and feel comfortable doing at the time as if I make myself date because I feel I should want to as I’m young that that would be another violation. At this stage I don’t know if I will ever want to date again if I am honest as I have such a strong lack of interest in sex and dating and one of my male friends used to trigger me all of the time when I was with him. I am just going to give myself time and focus on my studies and getting back to university now.

 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I think it’s best to make the right decisions for your mental illness recovery in order to progress with recovery

If you are suffering from a mental illness I think it’s very important that you put your recovery first before anything else so that you can stay well or stay well for longer. Recently I realised that s friendship was unhealthy for me as not only was it too intense and did we talk too much but I realised that his negativity because he is bitter and cannot get over his past problems holds me back and stops me from glowing in my recovery. I also realised that I don’t need him anymore and I don’t want to talk about my mental health problems before and I feel like if I talk to him the conversation just centres on mental health problems. So I decided that as I feel that he is unhealthy for me and holds me back by putting his negative energy on me I should at least take a break from him and possibly eventually end the friendship.

I have also decided that instead of having a drink every now and then I will try and completely cut out all alcohol as it interacts with two of my bipolar medications and I am so determined to stay well and alcohol destabilises me.

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art, Bipolar, bipolar disorder, creative writing, depression, Feminism, Human Rights, mania, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I don’t let myself think of my devastating rainstorm anymore

Once I thought that there would be no end to my eternal pain, suffering anguish.

Torrential rain poured over my vulnerable body exposed without a raincoat.

But then after pouring out my troubles into art, poetry, therapy I took solace in literature and found joy.

After I had cried my tears of despair many times I stopped crying and the pain didn’t feel so overwhelming.

Now I keep myself occupied with a book, a language course, volunteering, time with a friend.

I don’t let myself think of my devastating rainstorm anymore.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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