Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness, Rape, sexual assault

The not guilty website is not letting me post so I’ll post about my rapes here

I don’t know if anyone knows about the great website but I have posted on there many times about my rapes and I have posted my poetry. 

It’s been an off week for me with rape as I realised I was still following my second rapist and this made me very triggered and upset as I wanted him to know what a shit year I’ve had with my mental health and about my two suicide attempts.

I was talking to this guy from tinder and he seemed funny so I thought he was a catch but I probably missed warning signs as per usual.

On the date he purposefully got us absolutely wasted; we each had sixteen drinks and he paid for everything.

I have type 1 bipolar disorder anyway and I was very manic at the time so I was already very vulnerable at the time. I agreed to go to a hotel with him but probably just because I was so drunk and manic I didn’t know what I was doing.

I definitely didn’t consent to the sex because all I remember is him getting out a condom and assuming I was consenting and then I don’t even remember the start of the penetration. I do however recall him constantly trying to have sex with me and being a bit unsuccessful to start and it hurt so much. I really wanted it to stop but I was too drunk to make it stop. He tried to rape me again in my sleep and for some reason I had sex with him twice consensually after this a few hours later.

Another rape I want to bring up is after a night out when I had had far too much to drink and I can’t remember if I consented to the blow job and in fact I think I was far too drunk to consent anyway as I can hardly remember what happened.

Then six months after the oral rape I took an overdose and then four months later I took another overdose. I do have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder but I wouldn’t be surprised if these rapes have been contributing factors when it comes to my suicide attempts as after my virginity rape I almost jumped in front of a train.

Rape, sexual assault

Airport security checks and creepy men triggered me 

When I got on the plane to go abroad recently I went through the security check where you are effectively groped by another woman in order to check if you have any prohibited things on your person. It left me feeling very uncomfortable and in fact it gave me flashbacks of my sexual assaults and I felt like I had been assaulted. It left me wanting to campaign for there to be body scanners everywhere and not just have a person touching you to check for prohibited items. 

Then today I went on a date and I have never felt more creeped out. I constantly rejected the guys moves and he kept smiling at me in creepy ways and I felt triggered and as if I had been raped when in fact all that had happened was that I’d been with a creepy guy. 

I guess when I have successful dates where I sleep with men I can forget that I am still fragile and vulnerable.

Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I finally feel over my rape as I’m no longer scared in sexual situations

I lost my virginity to rape and afterwards although I met up with guys and kissed them I was unable to have sex and kept refusing them.  Then finally a year and three months later I finally had sex and I did again. This is a massive sign of progress for me as I thought I was never going to have a normal sex life and I was going to forever feel abnormal. Now I feel more comfortable with things and like more of an adult.

I still have trust issues but that is natural and I wonder whether being less trusting of people can protect me anyway from being hurt again.

creative writing, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, Rape, sexual assault, Uncategorized

So much has changed in one year and yet it hasn’t

Holding it all together
When inside I’m dying inside.

Daggers pierce my heart again
And I remind myself it is okay to feel this pain,
It’s okay not to be okay.

So much has changed in one year and yet it hasn’t.
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I am keeping myself distracted to avoid dwelling

I am dealing with my first difficult trauma anniversary this weekend. To get me through this I am keeping myself distracted with social engagements. I’m facetiming my friend Christiaan tonight and then I’m seeing a French film with Sonia tomorrow, I’m spending time with Rachel and our other friends on Saturday and I am spending the day with Danielle and having a sleepover with her on Sunday. I can get through this period without dwelling!

art, creative writing, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I want someone to tell me it will be okay

I want someone to tell me it will be okay
But it can’t ever be with pain under the surface
Of my life.

My body reminds me of my rape.
Of his violent body forcing itself inside

I now bravely wear the dress I wore that day
And the bra
And I feel powerful.
But nothing can undo what he did to me,
What he took from me.

There are times I wish I could live a normal life.
Not worry that a man is going to fast
And needs to slow down.
Not feel that all men could potentially rape.
But how can I?

Instead I live this beautiful lie.
The lie that he didn’t ruin me with his act
That I’m not staying away from the axe.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

Mental Health, mental illness, Rape, sexual assault, Uncategorized

I am learning to stop codependent relationships from happening when they have only just begun

I am very proud of myself as I am learning to stop codependent relationships from happening before they have begun. I have a problem with codependency and forming unhealthy relationships so this is a massive feat.

My recent friendship with someone was based on our issues of self harm and sexual trauma. As the friendship developed I realised that I couldn’t deal with her constantly talking about her trauma and actually that it was unhealthy and unhelpful for us to constantly talk about our issues with each other. I would rather have no one to talk about my self harm with but not be bringing myself down by being around someone currently worse off than me in terms of mental health health. Maybe I need therapy for self harm? But in the past I have hardly found it helpful as they haven’t really helped me stop.