Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, Mental Health, mental illness, sexual assault, Sexual Violence

I almost killed myself last night 

Last night after I wrote my post about the romanticisation of suicide and in particular the romanticisation of wrist cutting with intent to kill I kept thinking about it and then I went to the kitchen and was so close to doing it it was almost that the only thing that stopped me from going over to the knives was my instinct to live because I can sure as hell tell you it was not anything else.

Anyway, I called my hospital helpline in the morning and called my psychiatrist in the afternoon and she has increased one of my antipsychotics which I wasn’t even taking and she has told me I’m in a mixed affective state right now so both manic and suicidal.

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Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I finally feel over my rape as I’m no longer scared in sexual situations

I lost my virginity to rape and afterwards although I met up with guys and kissed them I was unable to have sex and kept refusing them.  Then finally a year and three months later I finally had sex and I did again. This is a massive sign of progress for me as I thought I was never going to have a normal sex life and I was going to forever feel abnormal. Now I feel more comfortable with things and like more of an adult.

I still have trust issues but that is natural and I wonder whether being less trusting of people can protect me anyway from being hurt again.

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Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I am keeping myself distracted to avoid dwelling

I am dealing with my first difficult trauma anniversary this weekend. To get me through this I am keeping myself distracted with social engagements. I’m facetiming my friend Christiaan tonight and then I’m seeing a French film with Sonia tomorrow, I’m spending time with Rachel and our other friends on Saturday and I am spending the day with Danielle and having a sleepover with her on Sunday. I can get through this period without dwelling!

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art, creative writing, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I want someone to tell me it will be okay

I want someone to tell me it will be okay
But it can’t ever be with pain under the surface
Of my life.

My body reminds me of my rape.
Of his violent body forcing itself inside
Mine.

I now bravely wear the dress I wore that day
And the bra
And I feel powerful.
But nothing can undo what he did to me,
What he took from me.

There are times I wish I could live a normal life.
Not worry that a man is going to fast
And needs to slow down.
Not feel that all men could potentially rape.
But how can I?

Instead I live this beautiful lie.
The lie that he didn’t ruin me with his act
That I’m not staying away from the axe.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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art, creative writing, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

Shisha calms my bones

Blood in my blunt nails
Each time it feels I’ve failed-

Lost self, lost night, lost life.
But Shisha stopped me bleeding so much tonight.

Shisha calmed my bones.
It took me home
To a tranquil place
Where I was safe.

To stop the bleeding it seems
You have to give in to other indulgences,
Other sins.
I have too much pain stored in my bones
To cope all on my own.
My trauma doesn’t live in my mind anymore
But it’s still stuck in my bones.
I need some release,
I need some calming shisha,
A cigarette or two.
At least that isn’t as bad as subtly making myself bleed.
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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Mental Health, mental illness, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I faced a place associated with my trauma yesterday

I feel really good because I went back to the place I went on a walk with my attacker on the first date and I didn’t feel uncomfortable, scared or traumatised like the last time I went back there. Clearly the EMDR has worked; I’m not traumatised anymore or at least I’m less traumatised!

I felt absolutely nothing and just enjoyed the beautiful view. It’s moments like this that I feel more strong and powerful as I walk there the very route we walked in one of my dresses I wore with him. I have now gone back to all of the places I went to with him and it has given me more power to be able to go to these places and eat meals or sample pretty views. It has helped me to move on.

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