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After talking to the police I felt sad and vulnerable

When I first told the police I would reopen my extremely traumatic rape case from 2016 I felt a sense of immense proud and like “maybe we can catch this guy”.

But not long afterwards I started to feel immensely sad and cut my therapy session short and remained sad for the rest of the day,

I had two drinks to try and feel better.

But in all, I felt strong because I wasn’t suicidal at all or broken; I was just a bit sad.

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I’ll just have a cigarette so I feel better

I’ll just have a cigarette so I feel better,

I’ll just have some shisha so I feel better,

I’ll just have a drink so I feel better,

I used to smoke weed to feel better,

I used to sleep with lots of guys to feel better,

I used to overdose to feel better.

Now I travel to feel better,

But is it just an escape?

And what have I been escaping all these months?

Am I still damaged from 2016?

I just don’t know so I continue to travel to feel better,

To try and find something better.

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Just because someone else hurt you so bad doesn’t mean you have to end your life to show them what the consequences were

Last night my father domestically abused me and gripped his arms so tightly around my shoulders.

As I sit here drinking another cocktail I tell myself to not rise to the occasion of hurting him so badly back and I remind myself that I am more likely to succeed because I’ve been drinking.

So no, I’m not going to overdose even though I want to because I don’t want it to go wrong and mean I actually end my life.

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I am in recovery from anorexia and bulimia

A couple of months or maybe a month or so ago I was struggling with anorexia and bulimia.

The bulimia made me feel so bad that I missed a class because I felt guilty that I had thrown up.

But now I am for the most part not obsessing about eating and I haven’t thrown up in ages.

Now I eat a sandwich every day for lunch and whatever I want for dinner.

However I still feel slightly in the throes of anorexia as I never let myself not have a sandwich for lunch and have something more unhealthy.

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I am more in control of myself when I’m manic or suicidal

Don’t get me wrong, I still overspend when I’m manic and go travelling a lot but I have learnt to control myself and not dance with other boys or sleep with them because I have a boyfriend who I love.

Also, yes I still sleep a lot when I’m depressed and I don’t go out of the house for ages, but I have learnt how to deal with suicidal thoughts or urges.

The other day I just said to myself “No,No,No” when I had a suicidal urge and another time when I thought of taking an overdose I just thought to myself “my life has value”.

I am so proud of myself for thinking my life has value when I had a suicidal thought because that is the first time I did that so I really think I’m making progress.

I really think I am a strong young woman!

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The self destructive nature of bipolar disorder

With any other illness you would expect one would take the tablets every single day like with life threatening illnesses such as epilepsy or injections for diabetes but no bipolar disorder is an illness that renders the sufferers not only to being less like to take meds when they get manic because they feel good and don’t want to come down or perhaps they just think they don’t need them but they also in some cases start drinking and taking illicit drugs when this is absolutely NOT advised for bipolar because it can just make you very ill.

Not only that but we disappoint our loved ones with the fallouts of our manic episodes leaving ourselves even more isolated than we already were and sometimes we even cause massive ruptured in personal relationships that will never be resolved and lose many friends.

Not only all of this but the worst thing is that we continue to do these things over and over again without learning how to put things right both for our recovery, our substance misuse problems and our relationships.

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