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The loss of my grandmother has put me in a bipolar depression and made me suicidal 

My grandmother passed away last week and the day after she passed away I lay in bed until 1:30pm extremely depressed. I became suicidal and started thinking about my rapes and how I wanted to kill myself because I’ve been raped.

I then smoked some cannabis to feel better when I saw people smoking outside. I felt okay for a few hours but once the high had worn off and I was coming home from a big city I got suicidal again and was thinking of overdosing and the urge was so strong.

It seemed my grandmother’s death really offset my borderline personality disorder.

Luckily I didn’t overdose but I came home for a week with my family feeling fragile and low and upset.

I even couldn’t go to my favourite burrito place because of the memories of the man I used to go with who I dated who also raped me.

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Uncategorized

The loss of my grandmother has put me in a bipolar depression and made me suicidal 

My grandmother passed away last week and the day after she passed away I lay in bed until 1:30pm extremely depressed. I became suicidal and started thinking about my rapes and how I wanted to kill myself because I’ve been raped.

I then smoked some cannabis to feel better when I saw people smoking outside. I felt okay for a few hours but once the high had worn off and I was coming home from a big city I got suicidal again and was thinking of overdosing and the urge was so strong.

It seemed my grandmother’s death really offset my borderline personality disorder.

Luckily I didn’t overdose but I came home for a week with my family feeling fragile and low and upset.

I even couldn’t go to my favourite burrito place because of the memories of the man I used to go with who I dated who also raped me.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

I took two overdoses but I’m not letting that stop me continue university 

This week I took two overdoses; one on Saturday and one on Tuesday but I am not letting that stop me stay on at university.

Yes, I am currently taking it easy with my studies but I am here and I am going to continue on and be okay.

I’m going home next Thursday to Sunday and I will see some of my home friends as well as family which will be good. 

Yes, it is hard but I refuse to give up. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness

You tell me I’m strong but I don’t feel strong 

My friend sent me this message: So wanted to thank you again for your example of battling through tough times and feeling comfortable in your own skin without makeup etc

I appreciate the sentiment but the fact is for the past few days every single night I’ve been thinking of slitting my wrists and overdosing. I have never been so suicidal and felt so awful in my life.

It’s hard and it feels like to be honest that I will give up at some point in the next 7 years by the time I’m thirty just like Sylvia Plath . I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth.

I have been through so much pain in my life including a lot of abuse and rape that it is only natural that along with my borderline personality disorder and my bipolar disorder that I want to die. 

I don’t fucking feel strong at all right now and I can’t say that to my friend. I learnt a fucking prayer tonight to try and stop me from killing myself.

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I wrote you a love poem but all you could say was thank you.

My expression of adoration rejected and everything’s the same

Except it isn’t –

The word friend is tattooed on my wrist.

You write poetry too 

But you would never say you love me

At least not like that.

I have a charm that says the words love

But no one to give it to.

You rejected my charm

And broke my heart

With all your head fucks-

All the times you flirted with me, 

that time you made a move on me.

People even saw that intense expression of love in your eyes

When you looked at me

But apparently I am just a friend.
Just a friend and I am fed up with men playing with my heart.

I am fragile and I have been broken and crushed by you and two others this year.

I don’t want to ever feel so dead inside again.

This heartache has broken me and now I just want to be alone.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 201

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, Mental Health, mental illness, sexual assault, Sexual Violence

I almost killed myself last night 

Last night after I wrote my post about the romanticisation of suicide and in particular the romanticisation of wrist cutting with intent to kill I kept thinking about it and then I went to the kitchen and was so close to doing it it was almost that the only thing that stopped me from going over to the knives was my instinct to live because I can sure as hell tell you it was not anything else.

Anyway, I called my hospital helpline in the morning and called my psychiatrist in the afternoon and she has increased one of my antipsychotics which I wasn’t even taking and she has told me I’m in a mixed affective state right now so both manic and suicidal.

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

The romanticisation of suicide

I fantasise about suicide sometimes. It’s strange, I have had threesomes but I don’t really fantasise about them or about other sexual situations but I fantasise about suicide. 

I only fantasise about suicide in romantic ways of course.

Suicides that involve me drowning in a bath after taking a shitload of diazepam and maybe even slitting my wrists in the bath.

Even just the idea of slitting ones wrists in the bath are a fantasy.

Today I thought about slitting my wrists and I got so close to actually doing it. I was near the knives.

Before this happened I called up the hospital and told them I was fantasising. All they said was take your meds and go to sleep.

I am writing this post because maybe if I write about my fantasies it will keep me alive. 

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