Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness, Rape, sexual assault

The not guilty website is not letting me post so I’ll post about my rapes here

I don’t know if anyone knows about the great website http://notguiltycampaign.co.uk but I have posted on there many times about my rapes and I have posted my poetry. 

It’s been an off week for me with rape as I realised I was still following my second rapist and this made me very triggered and upset as I wanted him to know what a shit year I’ve had with my mental health and about my two suicide attempts.

I was talking to this guy from tinder and he seemed funny so I thought he was a catch but I probably missed warning signs as per usual.

On the date he purposefully got us absolutely wasted; we each had sixteen drinks and he paid for everything.

I have type 1 bipolar disorder anyway and I was very manic at the time so I was already very vulnerable at the time. I agreed to go to a hotel with him but probably just because I was so drunk and manic I didn’t know what I was doing.

I definitely didn’t consent to the sex because all I remember is him getting out a condom and assuming I was consenting and then I don’t even remember the start of the penetration. I do however recall him constantly trying to have sex with me and being a bit unsuccessful to start and it hurt so much. I really wanted it to stop but I was too drunk to make it stop. He tried to rape me again in my sleep and for some reason I had sex with him twice consensually after this a few hours later.

Another rape I want to bring up is after a night out when I had had far too much to drink and I can’t remember if I consented to the blow job and in fact I think I was far too drunk to consent anyway as I can hardly remember what happened.

Then six months after the oral rape I took an overdose and then four months later I took another overdose. I do have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder but I wouldn’t be surprised if these rapes have been contributing factors when it comes to my suicide attempts as after my virginity rape I almost jumped in front of a train.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, mania

I am making steps to be more healthy and finally I am accepting I have to live differently as someone with bipolar disorder

So over the past year I have recklessly drunk alcohol, smoked cannabis about ten times, not been eating healthily and I’ve had way too much caffeine. I think especially the drugs and the alcohol have not helped to keep me stable and have most likely contributed to my two overdoses. In fact, I took one overdose a day or two days after I smoked a joint.

I have now decided to quit the drugs, only have one or two drinks maximum instead of more like 7, eat healthily and even try yoga.

I have also decided to work on my codependent relationships because of my mental illness and I have decided to completely take a break from my closest friendship as it is entirely based on support for my mental illness with no common ground or common banter.

I have also decided to avoid a group chat which I am dependent on for help with my problems. 

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Journal

Sometimes you have to cut someone out of your life who makes you feel like shit

So my other ex who did not rape me but who has been a massive dick to me in many ways has just made me feel like shit recently. I cut him out of my life for six months before because he told me he used to be in love with me and then said that was a joke and then kept asking me to prove I wasn’t in love with him and really hurt my feelings.

Recently he said he wanted to sleep with me and then became less bothered with me and put practically no effort into our interactions which made me feel like shit and that all he cared about was sleeping with me. He also tried to cancel on me because he had a friend’s birthday when he already had plans with me and then whenever I tried to make plans with me he said that if his other friends weren’t free he would make time for me but if not no. 

I am never going to let myself be the last resort. No one deserves this and I can’t let someone make me feel like shit and make me feel worthless so I had to cut him off. 

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Uncategorized

It’s been two years and I’m still not over the one person I was in love with 

I cried last night and today for the first time in months about this guy I dated two years ago who I was in love with. Yes, he raped me but that doesn’t change what we had; how ecstatic I felt and high on life and happy and amazing. I have met three exciting guys since but I haven’t cared for them in the same way and one of them I wasn’t even that into. I just haven’t been in love since and I miss it. I readded this guy on Facebook and tried to message him but he hasn’t replied and I doubt he will, thus proving my prediction that what happened between us is definitely over however heartbreaking it is. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

Sometimes mental illness stops you doing things but I’m learning to be okay with this

After my recent suicide attempt I was not long after admitted to hospital as I felt like I had two weeks to live and I was genuinely thinking I would slit my wrists within the next two weeks. I have never felt so low ever and so at the mercy of bipolar depression and my mental illnesses. Luckily, instead of just letting myself possibly end my all too precious life I made a call to my psychiatrist and I asked my dad to pay for me to be admitted to the private hospital. 

I was there for two weeks and four days during which I was mainly really manic and fast talking. However by the time I left my rapid cycling stopped and I felt safe not long after arriving there actually.

The reason I tried to kill myself is because my psychologist crushed my dreams by saying I could not do year abroad due to my instability as I had been rapid cycling and constantly crying not long before.

After the overdose my psychiatrist said she definitely did not recommend year abroad and although she said it was ultimately my decision I decided to listen to her and not play Russian roulette with my life. It was tough and it made me very upset and depressed to do this but I know I could seriously get to a terrible place and feel so alone and actually kill myself if I went.

The alternative is not terrible; I’m going back to my original university to start my third year there.

I am not constantly crying now or planning on ending my life but it’s like anything; it will take time for me to feel more stable and be in a better place.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

I feel like Sylvia Plath

No matter how good life is, whether I’m keeping busy or seeing my friends and family a lot I always get thoughts of suicide. Three months ago I took an overdose of benzos with alcohol and last night I did the same thing but with diazepam this time. 

I have told my mother and in all honesty I am not sure I will make it to 30. My degree was the thing keeping me going and making me continue with last night and last night that didn’t even help stop me try to end my life.

If I have no reason to live how will I stop myself from killing myself? I am already such a big suicide risk with bipolar and bpd and being a rape victim that I really wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t make it to thirty. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

Self acceptance of madness is really hard 

I’m still really upset like yesterday and I’ve been crying today because I feel like when people criticise your own behaviour especially when it is due to mental illness it is the worst feeling in the whole world. I would take heartbreak over this but this is making me feel like I don’t and can’t accept myself because I can’t accept the person I become when I’m really unwell mentally. It’s really hard! 

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