When you like the idea of someone and not because you have a close connection 

So I went to my friend Josh’s birthday party last night and after he said he was going to make out with this very pretty girl I got very jealous and eventually very low and upset. I ended up crying into Josh’s arms and telling him that I have feelings for him and then saying that I was very upset and that I had to leave. 

I think sometimes it’s just one of those things; you want what you can’t have and you like a guy who is great on paper as he ticks so many boxes but you don’t actually have a strong connection with him.

I still feel low today but I’m sure in a few days I’ll be fine. I just think I need to take a break from Josh for at least a month. 

Borderline personality disorder

My bpd struggles 

I am just starting the DBT therapy with my psychologist for borderline personality disorder but I haven’t done my homework today. ( I will today). This week I felt very insecure a few times. Once my friend did not reply to my text but had been active on Facebook so I thought that she didn’t want to talk to me or see me anymore and that when I’d called her a lot of times because my phone calls weren’t going through as my phone was broken that that had annoyed her. I texted my guy friend saying how are you and as he didn’t reply I assumed that he had decided to not message me back just because I had liked a photo he was tagged in which was ridiculous as I do this all the time. In reality I think that maybe he didn’t reply as he is busy working and studying for exams and perhaps he could not be bothered to have that kinda convo when we had already spoken over group message a few times. I called my girl friend up and she is up for meeting on Saturday. 

I just wish I didn’t get so insecure and worry so much that people will leave my life! 

Rape, sexual assault

Airport security checks and creepy men triggered me 

When I got on the plane to go abroad recently I went through the security check where you are effectively groped by another woman in order to check if you have any prohibited things on your person. It left me feeling very uncomfortable and in fact it gave me flashbacks of my sexual assaults and I felt like I had been assaulted. It left me wanting to campaign for there to be body scanners everywhere and not just have a person touching you to check for prohibited items. 

Then today I went on a date and I have never felt more creeped out. I constantly rejected the guys moves and he kept smiling at me in creepy ways and I felt triggered and as if I had been raped when in fact all that had happened was that I’d been with a creepy guy. 

I guess when I have successful dates where I sleep with men I can forget that I am still fragile and vulnerable.

bipolar disorder

When bipolar fucks up your relationships 

I am manic at the moment and I got very angry at my friend and told her to stop being so flakey when she cancelled even though it wasn’t her fault. I had a massive go at her and made it seem like it was her fault when actually a meeting overrun. Now I am looking to deal with the consequences as she is telling me she is really hurt by all that I said even though she knows it’s not I fault I acted like that because I cannot always control my behaviour due to the bipolar. It is really hurting me to realise how much my manic outbursts can mess up my relationships and who knows if this is irreparable damage. 

Bipolar, bipolar disorder

Bipolar disorder and the struggle to be monogamous- hyper sexuality to the extreme

I have realised recently that I really struggle to be monogamous and I favour open relationships over relationships. It seems that when I’m in my manic highs I just want to date and have sex with as many more people as possible and I am completely out of control. I find acceptable people who I like but nothing stops me searching for someone better, someone more attractive, someone funnier, someone more intelligent, someone. I have been called a serial dater and a female player before because I date lots of people at once without any consideration for the fact the other people may not be expecting this. It just feels like I am out of control and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to settle. I have never been in a relationship in my life and the only time I didn’t date others was during a short two week fling. 

Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

How an additional diagnosis of borderline personality disorder affects things

I am not going to lie, things have been very difficult at university with me constantly feeling unstable and going from intense, emotional moods and one or two day long severe depressions to two or three day long anxiety episodes. Everything got incredibly worse and I felt broken after a massive anxiety attack ended in me overdosing on anxiety pills and ending up in the NHS psychiatric hospital.

I hated it there. All the other patients were incredibly ill; one was delusional, one was constantly hysterical and some were agressive.

I went home to England to see my private psychiatrist and she looked at my personality disorder questionnaire and listened to what I had to say about borderline personality disorder and she said she thought I had borderline personality disorder. This would explain a lot of issues I have; I am constantly worrying about whether I am going to lose a friend because they haven’t replied to a text or they haven’t replied quickly enough and something like a friend being late can give me an anxiety attack. 

I also get situational lows where a friend cancels and it can make me suicidally depressed for a day, or I go and see my grandmother and I get suicidally depressed for a day but then the next day I’m fine.

During my teenage years I was constantly having short episodes of crying, dysphoria, feeling intense and being in emotional pain accompanied with anxiety. 

I have also cut three people out of my life this year and once tried to cut my mother out of my life and each time I have regretted it.

Accepting this new diagnosis additional diagnosis is so difficult and in particular because of the stigma; people have had nothing to say to my diagnosis or they have just said “oh right” in an unhappy tone. I feel like a lot of people will assume I cut when I don’t and might believe the stereotype that I am manipulative and a compulsive liar and an attention seeker when the truth is that when I take an overdose I am not looking for attention when I tell people; I just want support and people to help me get help from the professionals.

It feels like a relief and frustrating at the same time as it explains why even though I am on so much medication I am still having other additional issues but it is frustrating that I have to get access to therapy to get better and that I can’t just pop another pill.

What is ironic in a way is that due to the borderline personality disorder diagnosis I am now worried about losing friends by telling them when in fact this is absolutely a symptom of bpd! 

I will continue writing about my journey in the upcoming months.

Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

You say I have a lovely face but how is that enough when I have to live through bipolar hell? 

Someone stopped me on the street and complimented me on my ‘lovely face’ and tried to make me join a charity. They asked me how I was and I said ‘I’m okay’, thus hiding my manic pain. What I am struck by is how people feel the need to compliment you but if only they knew that I would rather stop being pretty and no longer have bipolar than be pretty with bipolar. Gone are the days when I say I’d always keep bipolar; it’s just not worth all the heartache and the pain and anguish. I’ve been manic a lot recently and it’s been hard because I feel emotions so intensely and it’s all too much! I really think it’s going to be a painful difficult life if this never goes away. 

Yes, I am only occasionally siutuationally depressed now but I still get suicidal sometimes and I still get the highs all the time and with that comes the extreme anxiety and the anger and the lack of concentration and not giving a fuck about my studies.

I don’t want to tell my readers a lie. Yes it gets easier with meds and therapy but it’s not a life saving operation that saves you; I’m still ill and I still struggle even if it’s not as bad as before. And every inch of pain even if the pain has lessened is always worth fighting for. I want to live a full life but how can I when I’m okay for a month and then I get another month of hell?