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Everything is going well but I’m still really depressed

I’ve got a great boyfriend and friends and my family and I’m going back to university next year at a university closer to home and yet I still feel so fucking depressed.

It’s been months since my grandmother passed away so I know it’s not this and so I know it must just be a bipolar depression.

At first I was not just depressed but also psychotic and I was getting paranoid that my boyfriend was cheating, that he had raped me, that my phone was lying to me, and then I started to feel scared in public and unsettled and I thought I was going to hurt myself and then I was scared I would hurt others. Then a couple of days ago I got paranoid that my boyfriend was dead in the toilet after he took too long to go to the toilet.

My psychiatrist thinks my cannabis use could have caused my psychosis but it’s been over a month since I’ve been taking any drugs.

I have never been more scared in my life except when I had auditory hallucinations a few times during full blown mania.

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

It’s been an awful week with my mental health

As I write this I cry. I’m crying because everything is too much for me at the moment and I can’t cope with my mood swings from high to low that are so rapid as well as my bpd symptoms which are just getting worse at the moment. I’m raid cycling from ecstatic high to those lows where you doubt whether people actually care about you even though they have shown examples of it in the past week. 

I just can’t take it and it’s been such a difficult week for me. I almost killed myself as my friend didn’t reply and it made me feel like he didn’t give a shit about me and it’s all just getting too much for me.

I am possibly feeling a lot worse as I’ve been off alcohol for a week and things are always a lot worse when you’ve been off alcohol for a week. My anxiety has been awful and resulted in me cancelling on everyone and it’s just so frustrating! 

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Borderline personality disorder

My bpd struggles 

I am just starting the DBT therapy with my psychologist for borderline personality disorder but I haven’t done my homework today. ( I will today). This week I felt very insecure a few times. Once my friend did not reply to my text but had been active on Facebook so I thought that she didn’t want to talk to me or see me anymore and that when I’d called her a lot of times because my phone calls weren’t going through as my phone was broken that that had annoyed her. I texted my guy friend saying how are you and as he didn’t reply I assumed that he had decided to not message me back just because I had liked a photo he was tagged in which was ridiculous as I do this all the time. In reality I think that maybe he didn’t reply as he is busy working and studying for exams and perhaps he could not be bothered to have that kinda convo when we had already spoken over group message a few times. I called my girl friend up and she is up for meeting on Saturday. 

I just wish I didn’t get so insecure and worry so much that people will leave my life! 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

How I feel right now

Right now I am in a blissful period in comparison to how I felt even a week ago when I was ridiculously anxious and on edge all the time. I don’t feel low at all; I haven’t been despairing, suicidal, unable to get out of bed or crying a lot. I think I am out of the high as I am not anxious anymore and I was anxious in the high. I was low for about a couple of minutes on Friday but I came out of it. I think the drugs are working a lot better these days as I when I’m low I’m not low for so long. The last time I had a suicidal low was in January.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Uncategorized

The importance of PRN medications

Over time I have learnt how it is important to manage one’s own mental illness or condition rather than making doctor’s appointments all the time. This week I have learned how much PRN medications can come in handy in helping me feel more stable and not needing to put my psychiatrist appointment forward.

On Monday I was extremely anxious and although my PRN medication isn’t meant for anxiety as it is an antipsychotic, when I took it it calmed me down a bit.

On Thursday I was quite manic and ran most of the way home and so I took my PRN meds. They definitely worked as I became calmer; I stopped running to and from home.

Therefore, I think PRN meds can really help people get more stable short-term and to stop crises or bad episodes from happening.

 

 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

Just because anxiety doesn’t affect me every day like bipolar disorder doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect me at all

I was just thinking now that I had completely forgotten that I had had two moments of extremely bad anxiety last week. Sometimes I forget I have anxiety as in the grand scheme of things I view my bipolar as being much more destructive and I experience bipolar symptoms more often than anxiety symptoms.

However, even though I rarely get anxiety the last three times I have had it it has been very extreme; I was really anxious that I was going to die and then I was scared that my dad would kill himself and then I was worried my parents would die in a car crash.

I think it is important to note that even if one only experiences a mental illness occasionally it doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect you greatly when you experience the symptoms.

 

 

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