bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

My mental health has got worse since my bipolar diagnosis in 2014 and I don’t know why

Over the past year in 2017 I have attempted suicide five times. I overdoses twice in one week in mid- September and now this week I have overdosed twice and tried to cut my wrists on hospital equipment in a hospital.

I lied to the psychiatrist by withholding information; I didn’t tell him that I tried to kill myself in the hospital.

I’ve been seriously thinking about slitting my wrists since and I felt it even more tonight after going to A & E in England and being turned away and not admitted even though I spoke about slitting my wrists; I just felt abandoned.

Now I feel unsafe in my home and my father has hidden the knives which is just not feasible but it is the only way to keep me safe until I am hospitalised in a private hospital because I’m lucky that my parents have the funds to do this. I’m

I wonder if it is the build up of all my sexual traumas and rapes which have made me more suicidal again over time.

Unfortunately last Friday I was raped again. This guy said “so you want to shag then” and the next thing I know I was in shock and I froze and I felt something moving inside me.

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It’s been a shit couple of weeks but things are looking up

So since I’ve last posted I’ve been in a bipolar depressive episode and I’ve been struggling to get out of bed and go to my university classes but the past couple of weeks I’ve been going to class again and feeling better.

It’s been a rollercoaster couple of weeks because my friend took an overdose and I had to deal with it and tell the university about him because he wasn’t getting help and it was getting too much for me.

I got suicidal a couple of weeks ago and had to have an emergency assessment but he sent me away and I was fine.

The university told me maybe I should take time out of university because of my mental health and this left me devastated but luckily the day after they said I didn’t need to and anyway I’ve found out I’m not allowed anymore leave of absences because I’ve already taken two years out.

On top of that I was told that I might fail one of my modules due to poor attendance but the university sorted it out for me and now everything is fine.

I went to Harley Street yesterday to see a psychiatrist and he said that he would find me a psychologist to help me with my borderline personality disorder as I have been struggling without the support of a psychologist.

I am in a better place now even though I’ve been a bit manic and have been recklessly restricting my eating and contacting people I cut out of my life.

I’m just feeling positive that the psych has said he can help me.

I saw almost all my home friends at once yesterday and I feel happy.

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I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

I took two overdoses but I’m not letting that stop me continue university 

This week I took two overdoses; one on Saturday and one on Tuesday but I am not letting that stop me stay on at university.

Yes, I am currently taking it easy with my studies but I am here and I am going to continue on and be okay.

I’m going home next Thursday to Sunday and I will see some of my home friends as well as family which will be good. 

Yes, it is hard but I refuse to give up. 

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

The romanticisation of suicide

I fantasise about suicide sometimes. It’s strange, I have had threesomes but I don’t really fantasise about them or about other sexual situations but I fantasise about suicide. 

I only fantasise about suicide in romantic ways of course.

Suicides that involve me drowning in a bath after taking a shitload of diazepam and maybe even slitting my wrists in the bath.

Even just the idea of slitting ones wrists in the bath are a fantasy.

Today I thought about slitting my wrists and I got so close to actually doing it. I was near the knives.

Before this happened I called up the hospital and told them I was fantasising. All they said was take your meds and go to sleep.

I am writing this post because maybe if I write about my fantasies it will keep me alive. 

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Borderline personality disorder

In many ways I have recovered from borderline personality disorder but I still get the situational lows

I thought that I had completely recovered from borderline personality disorder yesterday as over the past two weeks I have been able to deal with friends not replying without it making me think I was being abandoned by them. I have also not thought of taking overdoses because of a lack of attention from people around me. Additionally, I have basically been recovered from my self harm by scratching for the past year.

However, today when my closest friend from home was leaving me it made me very depressed situationally and perhaps because I will not see her for months now as I am going back to university in a different part of the country.

I guess maybe it is too much for me to think that these situational lows will just disappear even if therapy has helped me with my relationship issues and time helped me with my self harm.

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