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Having great relationships with people in my life means that I can be happy and content even in extreme bipolar episodes

Last December I attempted suicide twice and almost died the last time but a lot has changed since then; in February it will be a year since I’ve ODed and although I was in hospital in the summer I have now gotten over my eating disorder problems I had a couple of months back and I haven’t self harmed in a couple of months.

I have also steered clear of drugs for maybe five or six months now.

What I am trying to say I am in a good place but it is not just helped by the fact that I have been in recovery of late; my great friends, loving boyfriend and amazing sister and loving parents have helped me stay content and happy even through the bad times.

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Uncategorized

You asked for space, I got suicidal

Today I’m suicidal because my friend asked me for space. With my borderline personality disorder I struggle to deal with change and potential breakups.

The things that stopped me trying to end my life with a lithium overdose were my boyfriend and the fact that I would have to pay money for the cab back from the hospital if I survived.

This whole thing with my best friend is hurting me so much that I may have to end it if I keep getting suicidal about it to protect my own mental health.

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Journal

Sometimes you have to cut someone out of your life who makes you feel like shit

So my other ex who did not rape me but who has been a massive dick to me in many ways has just made me feel like shit recently. I cut him out of my life for six months before because he told me he used to be in love with me and then said that was a joke and then kept asking me to prove I wasn’t in love with him and really hurt my feelings.

Recently he said he wanted to sleep with me and then became less bothered with me and put practically no effort into our interactions which made me feel like shit and that all he cared about was sleeping with me. He also tried to cancel on me because he had a friend’s birthday when he already had plans with me and then whenever I tried to make plans with me he said that if his other friends weren’t free he would make time for me but if not no. 

I am never going to let myself be the last resort. No one deserves this and I can’t let someone make me feel like shit and make me feel worthless so I had to cut him off. 

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Uncategorized

It’s been two years and I’m still not over the one person I was in love with 

I cried last night and today for the first time in months about this guy I dated two years ago who I was in love with. Yes, he raped me but that doesn’t change what we had; how ecstatic I felt and high on life and happy and amazing. I have met three exciting guys since but I haven’t cared for them in the same way and one of them I wasn’t even that into. I just haven’t been in love since and I miss it. I readded this guy on Facebook and tried to message him but he hasn’t replied and I doubt he will, thus proving my prediction that what happened between us is definitely over however heartbreaking it is. 

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Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

A letter to someone I used to care about so much who once hurt me so deeply

To the guy who hurt me so much,

As it has been almost a year now since what happened between us ended and you were violent towards me I thought it would be fitting to write this no send letter to express my feelings towards you.

Firstly, I want you to know that I don’t care about you anymore. I no longer wish that what we had was still going on.

I don’t think about you anymore. I don’t even remember our memories anymore. I’m not reminded of you when I go to places where we used to go or when I wear clothes I wore with you. I can even listen to those two songs we listened to together without thinking of you.

I don’t cry over you or about what you did to me when you raped me and I don’t think about my rape during my day to day life.

I haven’t crumbled. I am a strong warrior and I have survived what you put me through.

In short I have moved on as I no longer have feelings towards you, I don’t give a shit about you and I am not reminded of what you put me through every single day.

I am okay. Things aren’t perfect but I am self harming a lot less now.

 

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Feminism, Journal, Mental Health, mental illness, no send letter, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

A final letter to you, my rapist; I’m moving on

I want to say I hate you but the words don’t slip out of my mouth smoothly.

Instead I ask you why? Why did you do this? What provoked you to hurt me so much?

I wish I’d asked you when I had the chance but now I will never get an answer.

The only satisfaction I will ever get is that I made you cry by describing what you did to me without saying the words rape.

The only justice I will get is that i got you to almost confess as you confessed that you attempted to rape me before I corrected you and said it was rape.

I don’t hate you as a whole person but I hate the part of you that decided to humiliate and get power over a young woman who was very ill with bipolar disorder at the time.

I hate what you did to me. I hate what you inflicted on me at the time and I hate how you made me feel for minutes, hours, days and months afterwards. I hate that disgusting memory you gave me with your violent forceful act.

As I said to you before and I will say again, you had no right to take my choice, my virginity, my power, to not use a condom and temporarily take my life from me as I was left to build myself back up after the fallout.

I really hope if you don’t now that at some point you will feel guilty for so cruelly leaving a permanent mark on someone’s life and that you will learn your lesson and never commit such a vile crime ever again.

You have not broken me, you have not defeated me, you have not crushed me. You no longer have ANY power over me. I have written lots of poems about the trauma you inflicted on me, lots of letters to you and I have mourned what we had.

I am moving on and I am going back to university in September to start the second year of my degree.

I am going to have a good life and I will not let what you did stop me from enjoying myself and hold me back from achieving what I want and living the life I would have otherwise lived.

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