Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

I took two overdoses but I’m not letting that stop me continue university 

This week I took two overdoses; one on Saturday and one on Tuesday but I am not letting that stop me stay on at university.

Yes, I am currently taking it easy with my studies but I am here and I am going to continue on and be okay.

I’m going home next Thursday to Sunday and I will see some of my home friends as well as family which will be good. 

Yes, it is hard but I refuse to give up. 

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Borderline personality disorder

In many ways I have recovered from borderline personality disorder but I still get the situational lows

I thought that I had completely recovered from borderline personality disorder yesterday as over the past two weeks I have been able to deal with friends not replying without it making me think I was being abandoned by them. I have also not thought of taking overdoses because of a lack of attention from people around me. Additionally, I have basically been recovered from my self harm by scratching for the past year.

However, today when my closest friend from home was leaving me it made me very depressed situationally and perhaps because I will not see her for months now as I am going back to university in a different part of the country.

I guess maybe it is too much for me to think that these situational lows will just disappear even if therapy has helped me with my relationship issues and time helped me with my self harm.

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I don’t want to feel crazy

My bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder mean that at times I can act like what other perceive as ‘crazy’ or out of the norm behaviour. This week two people have called me out on my behaviour when I phoned them up just because they had not replied to a message. Of course this is forgetting my own insecurities that if I message someone saying I’m on the train and they don’t reply I’m worried that they will not see me at the station. Also, if someone’s messages come with read receipts and they don’t reply I assume they just won’t reply as they normally reply instantly.

I just don’t want others to feel I am crazy or that I’m acting crazy and it makes me feel terrible to feel like I’m acting crazy. I just don’t want these illnesses to genuinely make me act like an insane person. I just want to be normal. 

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

It’s been an awful week with my mental health

As I write this I cry. I’m crying because everything is too much for me at the moment and I can’t cope with my mood swings from high to low that are so rapid as well as my bpd symptoms which are just getting worse at the moment. I’m raid cycling from ecstatic high to those lows where you doubt whether people actually care about you even though they have shown examples of it in the past week. 

I just can’t take it and it’s been such a difficult week for me. I almost killed myself as my friend didn’t reply and it made me feel like he didn’t give a shit about me and it’s all just getting too much for me.

I am possibly feeling a lot worse as I’ve been off alcohol for a week and things are always a lot worse when you’ve been off alcohol for a week. My anxiety has been awful and resulted in me cancelling on everyone and it’s just so frustrating! 

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Borderline personality disorder

My bpd struggles 

I am just starting the DBT therapy with my psychologist for borderline personality disorder but I haven’t done my homework today. ( I will today). This week I felt very insecure a few times. Once my friend did not reply to my text but had been active on Facebook so I thought that she didn’t want to talk to me or see me anymore and that when I’d called her a lot of times because my phone calls weren’t going through as my phone was broken that that had annoyed her. I texted my guy friend saying how are you and as he didn’t reply I assumed that he had decided to not message me back just because I had liked a photo he was tagged in which was ridiculous as I do this all the time. In reality I think that maybe he didn’t reply as he is busy working and studying for exams and perhaps he could not be bothered to have that kinda convo when we had already spoken over group message a few times. I called my girl friend up and she is up for meeting on Saturday. 

I just wish I didn’t get so insecure and worry so much that people will leave my life! 

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Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

How an additional diagnosis of borderline personality disorder affects things

I am not going to lie, things have been very difficult at university with me constantly feeling unstable and going from intense, emotional moods and one or two day long severe depressions to two or three day long anxiety episodes. Everything got incredibly worse and I felt broken after a massive anxiety attack ended in me overdosing on anxiety pills and ending up in the NHS psychiatric hospital.

I hated it there. All the other patients were incredibly ill; one was delusional, one was constantly hysterical and some were agressive.

I went home to England to see my private psychiatrist and she looked at my personality disorder questionnaire and listened to what I had to say about borderline personality disorder and she said she thought I had borderline personality disorder. This would explain a lot of issues I have; I am constantly worrying about whether I am going to lose a friend because they haven’t replied to a text or they haven’t replied quickly enough and something like a friend being late can give me an anxiety attack. 

I also get situational lows where a friend cancels and it can make me suicidally depressed for a day, or I go and see my grandmother and I get suicidally depressed for a day but then the next day I’m fine.

During my teenage years I was constantly having short episodes of crying, dysphoria, feeling intense and being in emotional pain accompanied with anxiety. 

I have also cut three people out of my life this year and once tried to cut my mother out of my life and each time I have regretted it.

Accepting this new diagnosis additional diagnosis is so difficult and in particular because of the stigma; people have had nothing to say to my diagnosis or they have just said “oh right” in an unhappy tone. I feel like a lot of people will assume I cut when I don’t and might believe the stereotype that I am manipulative and a compulsive liar and an attention seeker when the truth is that when I take an overdose I am not looking for attention when I tell people; I just want support and people to help me get help from the professionals.

It feels like a relief and frustrating at the same time as it explains why even though I am on so much medication I am still having other additional issues but it is frustrating that I have to get access to therapy to get better and that I can’t just pop another pill.

What is ironic in a way is that due to the borderline personality disorder diagnosis I am now worried about losing friends by telling them when in fact this is absolutely a symptom of bpd! 

I will continue writing about my journey in the upcoming months.

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