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No, rape doesn’t ruin your life neccessarily

I have been raped twice and the first time it was society’s perceptions of how awful rape is and that it ruins someone’s life that made me think of it in such a devastating way and almost end my life in a way in which I would never come back from the suicide attempt before I ended up in the psych hospital.

But no, rape hasn’t ruined my life; I now have a very healthy sexual relationship with my darling boyfriend and thanks to great therapy I have incredibly minor PTSD .

Also, I am still the strong and determined person I have always been and I am determined to become a successful professional.

Yes, this is not without discounting the many suicidal attempts I have had, most probably directly caused by my last rape which I haven’t had therapy on in 2016 but now I am overdose free and happy.

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After talking to the police I felt sad and vulnerable

When I first told the police I would reopen my extremely traumatic rape case from 2016 I felt a sense of immense proud and like “maybe we can catch this guy”.

But not long afterwards I started to feel immensely sad and cut my therapy session short and remained sad for the rest of the day,

I had two drinks to try and feel better.

But in all, I felt strong because I wasn’t suicidal at all or broken; I was just a bit sad.

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I’ll just have a cigarette so I feel better

I’ll just have a cigarette so I feel better,

I’ll just have some shisha so I feel better,

I’ll just have a drink so I feel better,

I used to smoke weed to feel better,

I used to sleep with lots of guys to feel better,

I used to overdose to feel better.

Now I travel to feel better,

But is it just an escape?

And what have I been escaping all these months?

Am I still damaged from 2016?

I just don’t know so I continue to travel to feel better,

To try and find something better.

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

My mental health has got worse since my bipolar diagnosis in 2014 and I don’t know why

Over the past year in 2017 I have attempted suicide five times. I overdoses twice in one week in mid- September and now this week I have overdosed twice and tried to cut my wrists on hospital equipment in a hospital.

I lied to the psychiatrist by withholding information; I didn’t tell him that I tried to kill myself in the hospital.

I’ve been seriously thinking about slitting my wrists since and I felt it even more tonight after going to A & E in England and being turned away and not admitted even though I spoke about slitting my wrists; I just felt abandoned.

Now I feel unsafe in my home and my father has hidden the knives which is just not feasible but it is the only way to keep me safe until I am hospitalised in a private hospital because I’m lucky that my parents have the funds to do this. I’m

I wonder if it is the build up of all my sexual traumas and rapes which have made me more suicidal again over time.

Unfortunately last Friday I was raped again. This guy said “so you want to shag then” and the next thing I know I was in shock and I froze and I felt something moving inside me.

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On reading my own blog I find it difficult; it is so full of pain and suffering but that is only one part of my life

I have been reading over my own blog and I have found it difficult and I wonder whether I give an accurate representation of my life.

I write posts about my bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, my trauma and my suicidal thoughts and yet throughout all of this I find that I am still able to be happy and have good times with my friends and family even throughout the pain.

Ever since I’ve been on sodium valproate I have stopped rapid cycling so much and I have stopped feeling so emotional, intense and unable to cope with life; I’m getting better.

Yes I cry sometimes like anyone but I am no longer crying every single day and oscillating from bipolar mood swing in one day.

Yes I still get suicidal sometimes but I am reaching out for help now and not overdosing again like in mid-September.

I am coming out of a severe depression, I’ve stopped drinking so much and I’ve stopped taking drugs and now the only bad thing I do is smoke or smoke shisha. I very rarely even self harm now.

I feel like things are getting better for me and I am learning that I can’t do everything I want to do like take drugs and drink to excess because of my condition.

I still have bad days and recently as I’ve cut down on my substance abuse I’ve been feeling upset about my rapes but I can work on this with my new therapist to come and I am so thankful to have a fulfilled life with so many great friends and a supportive father and a great sister.

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The loss of my grandmother has put me in a bipolar depression and made me suicidal 

My grandmother passed away last week and the day after she passed away I lay in bed until 1:30pm extremely depressed. I became suicidal and started thinking about my rapes and how I wanted to kill myself because I’ve been raped.

I then smoked some cannabis to feel better when I saw people smoking outside. I felt okay for a few hours but once the high had worn off and I was coming home from a big city I got suicidal again and was thinking of overdosing and the urge was so strong.

It seemed my grandmother’s death really offset my borderline personality disorder.

Luckily I didn’t overdose but I came home for a week with my family feeling fragile and low and upset.

I even couldn’t go to my favourite burrito place because of the memories of the man I used to go with who I dated who also raped me.

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The loss of my grandmother has put me in a bipolar depression and made me suicidal 

My grandmother passed away last week and the day after she passed away I lay in bed until 1:30pm extremely depressed. I became suicidal and started thinking about my rapes and how I wanted to kill myself because I’ve been raped.

I then smoked some cannabis to feel better when I saw people smoking outside. I felt okay for a few hours but once the high had worn off and I was coming home from a big city I got suicidal again and was thinking of overdosing and the urge was so strong.

It seemed my grandmother’s death really offset my borderline personality disorder.

Luckily I didn’t overdose but I came home for a week with my family feeling fragile and low and upset.

I even couldn’t go to my favourite burrito place because of the memories of the man I used to go with who I dated who also raped me.

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