Sometimes you have to cut someone out of your life who makes you feel like shit

So my other ex who did not rape me but who has been a massive dick to me in many ways has just made me feel like shit recently. I cut him out of my life for six months before because he told me he used to be in love with me and then said that was a joke and then kept asking me to prove I wasn’t in love with him and really hurt my feelings.

Recently he said he wanted to sleep with me and then became less bothered with me and put practically no effort into our interactions which made me feel like shit and that all he cared about was sleeping with me. He also tried to cancel on me because he had a friend’s birthday when he already had plans with me and then whenever I tried to make plans with me he said that if his other friends weren’t free he would make time for me but if not no. 

I am never going to let myself be the last resort. No one deserves this and I can’t let someone make me feel like shit and make me feel worthless so I had to cut him off. 


When you like the idea of someone and not because you have a close connection 

So I went to my friend Josh’s birthday party last night and after he said he was going to make out with this very pretty girl I got very jealous and eventually very low and upset. I ended up crying into Josh’s arms and telling him that I have feelings for him and then saying that I was very upset and that I had to leave. 

I think sometimes it’s just one of those things; you want what you can’t have and you like a guy who is great on paper as he ticks so many boxes but you don’t actually have a strong connection with him.

I still feel low today but I’m sure in a few days I’ll be fine. I just think I need to take a break from Josh for at least a month. 

Rape, sexual assault

Airport security checks and creepy men triggered me 

When I got on the plane to go abroad recently I went through the security check where you are effectively groped by another woman in order to check if you have any prohibited things on your person. It left me feeling very uncomfortable and in fact it gave me flashbacks of my sexual assaults and I felt like I had been assaulted. It left me wanting to campaign for there to be body scanners everywhere and not just have a person touching you to check for prohibited items. 

Then today I went on a date and I have never felt more creeped out. I constantly rejected the guys moves and he kept smiling at me in creepy ways and I felt triggered and as if I had been raped when in fact all that had happened was that I’d been with a creepy guy. 

I guess when I have successful dates where I sleep with men I can forget that I am still fragile and vulnerable.

Bipolar, bipolar disorder

Bipolar disorder and the struggle to be monogamous- hyper sexuality to the extreme

I have realised recently that I really struggle to be monogamous and I favour open relationships over relationships. It seems that when I’m in my manic highs I just want to date and have sex with as many more people as possible and I am completely out of control. I find acceptable people who I like but nothing stops me searching for someone better, someone more attractive, someone funnier, someone more intelligent, someone. I have been called a serial dater and a female player before because I date lots of people at once without any consideration for the fact the other people may not be expecting this. It just feels like I am out of control and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to settle. I have never been in a relationship in my life and the only time I didn’t date others was during a short two week fling. 


I try to forget you 

Six months go by

And I don’t forgot that terrible night

But I remember our sweet, prolonged goodbye.

That five minute handhold.

I recall your words , ” we’ve got a good thing going”

And you promised you would see me again.

I remember the chemistry,

The electricity,

The compatibility,

The intensity,

The rapidity.
But I know it was a broken romance,

A dangerous romance

And so I must move on.

I have already developed feelings for others since you.

I will find someone better for me.

Maybe one day I will forget you.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

creative writing, Poems, Poetry

I Wait For Someone

You were neither moon nor sun
But a lovely looking lake
In which I pleasantly swam
Before I did a double take
And had an epiphany;
Your alcoholic, stoner algae.
You were only temporary;
You were never the striking hand
Of my wrist-watch.
My clock never permanently stopped
At the touch of your hand.

A poetic, pretty lake
Turned into an unsightly, dried-up lake.
No longer could I swim in an incompatible desert.
I deserve better than a desolate, uncomplimentary lake;
I deserve a dazzling moon or a shining sun.

My threads of love and life have not been spun
And so I wait for a true lover
Who gives me love
And doesn’t only want to swim in my seductive, sapphire sea.
I wait for someone with whom I have sensual sparks
But someone who also desires every piece of my soul,
Someone who holds me when it’s dark.

Copyright © C.M.H July 2014

creative writing, Poems, Poetry

Not So Sweet Serenades

Before I was indeed naive;
I didn’t see how things could be-
Love does not arrive instantly.
Wonderful words don’t mean a thing
If there exists no feeling

You were as sweet
As your sweet serenades
But I didn’t want you,
I didn’t need you,
I didn’t love you,
I didn’t want to kiss you,
I didn’t kiss you,
On our date.
I’m afraid
Your sweet serenades tricked me;
I only wanted your words.
There’s one word
That describes what you were to me:
And then it ended
because couldn’t pretend
that you’d just be my friend.

I’m sorry it turned out that way
But I can’t help the way I feel;
I truly felt nothing for you.
Your sweet serenades weren’t so sweet.

Copyright © C.M.H July 2014