Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

Sometimes mental illness stops you doing things but I’m learning to be okay with this

After my recent suicide attempt I was not long after admitted to hospital as I felt like I had two weeks to live and I was genuinely thinking I would slit my wrists within the next two weeks. I have never felt so low ever and so at the mercy of bipolar depression and my mental illnesses. Luckily, instead of just letting myself possibly end my all too precious life I made a call to my psychiatrist and I asked my dad to pay for me to be admitted to the private hospital. 

I was there for two weeks and four days during which I was mainly really manic and fast talking. However by the time I left my rapid cycling stopped and I felt safe not long after arriving there actually.

The reason I tried to kill myself is because my psychologist crushed my dreams by saying I could not do year abroad due to my instability as I had been rapid cycling and constantly crying not long before.

After the overdose my psychiatrist said she definitely did not recommend year abroad and although she said it was ultimately my decision I decided to listen to her and not play Russian roulette with my life. It was tough and it made me very upset and depressed to do this but I know I could seriously get to a terrible place and feel so alone and actually kill myself if I went.

The alternative is not terrible; I’m going back to my original university to start my third year there.

I am not constantly crying now or planning on ending my life but it’s like anything; it will take time for me to feel more stable and be in a better place.

bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

When the depression after mania hits 

I’ve been feeling quite low the past few days and some days I have been incapacitated and I’ve found some tasks impossible or really difficult to do. I thought that it was originally just because of the heartbreak with Josh and then because I didn’t get a job and a guy cancelled on me and a friend cancelled me all in one day but it doesn’t make sense that it would just be a borderline depression as I’m still feeling depressed today. I think I might be in a bipolar depression which would make sense as I was manic and you always have to come down. It just sucks as no one ever wants to feel like this and it makes me feel like the high wasn’t even worth it. 

Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

You say I have a lovely face but how is that enough when I have to live through bipolar hell? 

Someone stopped me on the street and complimented me on my ‘lovely face’ and tried to make me join a charity. They asked me how I was and I said ‘I’m okay’, thus hiding my manic pain. What I am struck by is how people feel the need to compliment you but if only they knew that I would rather stop being pretty and no longer have bipolar than be pretty with bipolar. Gone are the days when I say I’d always keep bipolar; it’s just not worth all the heartache and the pain and anguish. I’ve been manic a lot recently and it’s been hard because I feel emotions so intensely and it’s all too much! I really think it’s going to be a painful difficult life if this never goes away. 

Yes, I am only occasionally siutuationally depressed now but I still get suicidal sometimes and I still get the highs all the time and with that comes the extreme anxiety and the anger and the lack of concentration and not giving a fuck about my studies.

I don’t want to tell my readers a lie. Yes it gets easier with meds and therapy but it’s not a life saving operation that saves you; I’m still ill and I still struggle even if it’s not as bad as before. And every inch of pain even if the pain has lessened is always worth fighting for. I want to live a full life but how can I when I’m okay for a month and then I get another month of hell? 

Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

Blue Monday is a myth- what if half my Mondays are blue? 

Today I have been extremely angry as a result of the fact that a day has been made on the back of the fact that we are apparently more low today than any other day. But what about every single other day where I could have been more depressed than today? It undermines what I experience almost every single day when I have some sort of mental health related problems. 

It frustrates me that such a pointless day gets so much coverage but when do restaurants and every single public service outlet start caring about Bipolar awareness day and Schizophrenia Awareness? 

Yes I have been blue today but only because I have anxiety and bipolar disorder and because I reacted strongly to other people’s actions. I am not blue because of a stupid fucking day and I have even felt manic today! 

Give me a day that focuses on the genuine challenges that people with mental health problems face and I will start giving a fuck and support you. Until then, to hell with your Blue January day. 

Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

To the person who told me my suffering makes me more interesting 

Someone recently told me that my suffering because of having bipolar disorder and other mental health problems makes me a more interesting person. I feel that this remark could in a way almost trivialise what I go through sometimes and how I feel. My bipolar is not romantic! If anything it is an absolute torment and to say otherwise is to ignore the anguish I feel inside me almost daily. Sometimes I am in so much emotional pain that I just want to die and stop living the bipolar life that I live. So please tell me that me apparently being more interesting is worth all of the suffering I endure? It’s a shame that sometimes people seem to put troubled, mentally ill people on a pedestal as if they are somehow more special than others or they even treat us like freaks. Just treat me as a human like I am! I would rather not have bipolar and be apparently less interesting to you than suffer this eternal torment. 

Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Mental Health, mental illness, Uncategorized

Sometimes a psych meds reduction is the right choice

Things had been so difficult for me over the space of two years that I could not envisage life without being on a shit load of psych meds and on the highest dosage. It wasn’t until a psychologist told me that I seemed flat and emotionless that I started to see things differently and finally realised that I haven’t been feeling much since I’ve been drugged up to the eyeballs. She told me that she would call up my psych and ask for a meds reduction but being the impatient person that I am, I decided to take matters into my own hands and I reduced one of my medications by half and stopped taking one which had been known to cause suicidal thoughts anyway. Now it’s been a week of me taking just the same dosage of lithium and half the asenapine and I feel more alive, less drugged up and apart from some anxiety which was caused by my phone breaking and me being out of contact with people I’ve been fine! I called up my psych a couple of days ago and told her about the meds changes I had made and she was totally fine with it.