Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

I took two overdoses but I’m not letting that stop me continue university 

This week I took two overdoses; one on Saturday and one on Tuesday but I am not letting that stop me stay on at university.

Yes, I am currently taking it easy with my studies but I am here and I am going to continue on and be okay.

I’m going home next Thursday to Sunday and I will see some of my home friends as well as family which will be good. 

Yes, it is hard but I refuse to give up. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness

You tell me I’m strong but I don’t feel strong 

My friend sent me this message: So wanted to thank you again for your example of battling through tough times and feeling comfortable in your own skin without makeup etc

I appreciate the sentiment but the fact is for the past few days every single night I’ve been thinking of slitting my wrists and overdosing. I have never been so suicidal and felt so awful in my life.

It’s hard and it feels like to be honest that I will give up at some point in the next 7 years by the time I’m thirty just like Sylvia Plath . I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth.

I have been through so much pain in my life including a lot of abuse and rape that it is only natural that along with my borderline personality disorder and my bipolar disorder that I want to die. 

I don’t fucking feel strong at all right now and I can’t say that to my friend. I learnt a fucking prayer tonight to try and stop me from killing myself.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, Mental Health, mental illness, sexual assault, Sexual Violence

I almost killed myself last night 

Last night after I wrote my post about the romanticisation of suicide and in particular the romanticisation of wrist cutting with intent to kill I kept thinking about it and then I went to the kitchen and was so close to doing it it was almost that the only thing that stopped me from going over to the knives was my instinct to live because I can sure as hell tell you it was not anything else.

Anyway, I called my hospital helpline in the morning and called my psychiatrist in the afternoon and she has increased one of my antipsychotics which I wasn’t even taking and she has told me I’m in a mixed affective state right now so both manic and suicidal.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder

The meds are finally working 

So after three years of being trialled on probably around 8 medications for bipolar I think they have finally found a cocktail which works. 

I am now on lithium carbonate, asenapine, sodium valproate and haloperidol and I have been stable for a week now. This is amazing as for the past three years I have pretty much not been stable at all and it’s the last time I’ve been stable since 2015.

I think this stability is genuinely going to last as I am going to keep taking my meds, this meds combo really seems to be working and I am going to keep the alcohol at a minimum of two beverages when I drink socially. 

As I am getting stable it means maybe I can actually do the second semester abroad after all if the university let me.

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Borderline personality disorder

In many ways I have recovered from borderline personality disorder but I still get the situational lows

I thought that I had completely recovered from borderline personality disorder yesterday as over the past two weeks I have been able to deal with friends not replying without it making me think I was being abandoned by them. I have also not thought of taking overdoses because of a lack of attention from people around me. Additionally, I have basically been recovered from my self harm by scratching for the past year.

However, today when my closest friend from home was leaving me it made me very depressed situationally and perhaps because I will not see her for months now as I am going back to university in a different part of the country.

I guess maybe it is too much for me to think that these situational lows will just disappear even if therapy has helped me with my relationship issues and time helped me with my self harm.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, mania

I am making steps to be more healthy and finally I am accepting I have to live differently as someone with bipolar disorder

So over the past year I have recklessly drunk alcohol, smoked cannabis about ten times, not been eating healthily and I’ve had way too much caffeine. I think especially the drugs and the alcohol have not helped to keep me stable and have most likely contributed to my two overdoses. In fact, I took one overdose a day or two days after I smoked a joint.

I have now decided to quit the drugs, only have one or two drinks maximum instead of more like 7, eat healthily and even try yoga.

I have also decided to work on my codependent relationships because of my mental illness and I have decided to completely take a break from my closest friendship as it is entirely based on support for my mental illness with no common ground or common banter.

I have also decided to avoid a group chat which I am dependent on for help with my problems. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

Sometimes mental illness stops you doing things but I’m learning to be okay with this

After my recent suicide attempt I was not long after admitted to hospital as I felt like I had two weeks to live and I was genuinely thinking I would slit my wrists within the next two weeks. I have never felt so low ever and so at the mercy of bipolar depression and my mental illnesses. Luckily, instead of just letting myself possibly end my all too precious life I made a call to my psychiatrist and I asked my dad to pay for me to be admitted to the private hospital. 

I was there for two weeks and four days during which I was mainly really manic and fast talking. However by the time I left my rapid cycling stopped and I felt safe not long after arriving there actually.

The reason I tried to kill myself is because my psychologist crushed my dreams by saying I could not do year abroad due to my instability as I had been rapid cycling and constantly crying not long before.

After the overdose my psychiatrist said she definitely did not recommend year abroad and although she said it was ultimately my decision I decided to listen to her and not play Russian roulette with my life. It was tough and it made me very upset and depressed to do this but I know I could seriously get to a terrible place and feel so alone and actually kill myself if I went.

The alternative is not terrible; I’m going back to my original university to start my third year there.

I am not constantly crying now or planning on ending my life but it’s like anything; it will take time for me to feel more stable and be in a better place.

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