Uncategorized

It’s been two years and I’m still not over the one person I was in love with 

I cried last night and today for the first time in months about this guy I dated two years ago who I was in love with. Yes, he raped me but that doesn’t change what we had; how ecstatic I felt and high on life and happy and amazing. I have met three exciting guys since but I haven’t cared for them in the same way and one of them I wasn’t even that into. I just haven’t been in love since and I miss it. I readded this guy on Facebook and tried to message him but he hasn’t replied and I doubt he will, thus proving my prediction that what happened between us is definitely over however heartbreaking it is. 

Standard
bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

When the depression after mania hits 

I’ve been feeling quite low the past few days and some days I have been incapacitated and I’ve found some tasks impossible or really difficult to do. I thought that it was originally just because of the heartbreak with Josh and then because I didn’t get a job and a guy cancelled on me and a friend cancelled me all in one day but it doesn’t make sense that it would just be a borderline depression as I’m still feeling depressed today. I think I might be in a bipolar depression which would make sense as I was manic and you always have to come down. It just sucks as no one ever wants to feel like this and it makes me feel like the high wasn’t even worth it. 

Standard
creative writing, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry

Love is a distant memory

What felt like an eternity of being in love 

Yet now all that’s left is a shared song.

We both live on

But there is no love

In my heart.

You mean nothing to me,

You are dead to me

And yet I still listen to the song 

Like nothing happened,

Like nothing’s changed. 

Except I couldn’t be more changed 

By everything.
Now all that’s left of love is a distant memory.

So far away,

Lost,

Just a speck of dust in my mind.

It seems that time

Has lost

You. 

What once was alive

Now lies dead

In the fragile corners of my mind.
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

Standard
Uncategorized

Losing your best friend is the worst form of heartbreak

I am going through a difficult time right now as I accept that I have had to let the most important person in my life go and the main friend who truly cared about me. I think it’s always hard to say goodbye to someone who had positives as well as negatives and not just negatives. I felt the same way when I had to end things with my rapist because he had brought me such joy in my life.

What happened is that it’s been four or more years that my friend has been dealing with possible issues such as depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia and maybe even anorexia and orthorexia without getting help from any professionals.  It has left me feeling drained, angry, stressed and upset and the turning point was recently when she made it clear that she wasn’t going to get any help anytime soon for her problems when we had an argument.

After the argument I thought about things for a day and apologised to her the next day saying I had crossed the line with the things I had been saying. However, when she completely ignored my message and didn’t even say it’s okay or anything and ignored my snap chats I got annoyed. I didn’t want to beg her back for my friendship especially when I felt that my advice for her to seek help was the best advice anyway.

Next, her snap chat story about her boyfriend coming over to give her pain killers pissed me off as this meant that it was the second time she had agreed with her boyfriend to go on a break because she was unhappy and then decided to cancel the break last minute. It made me realise that maybe the truth is things were never going to change; she is a person who will always settle in difficult situations and she will always be in denial about how unhappy she is or how much she is struggling. I also had realised over the past year that this particular friend did not make me as happy or fill me with as much laughter as my other friends. I can recall a lot more time spent with her talking about various issues than spent laughing or having good conversations.

I had even considered cutting her out of my life previously when she was using me too much as a counsellor but I hadn’t because she mattered to me.

The thing that changed everything for me was when I went to see my psychologist on a Friday and I was filled with so much anger for all the times that she had used me as a therapist and because of the fact that she was so weak that she could not seek help for herself or get herself out of a relationship that on and off made her unhappy. I spoke to my psychologist thinking this was the deciding opinion and when she suggested I end it I did.

At the moment I do not miss her as a person as I have always had other friends who made me happier but I miss being that close to someone that we always talk every other day and  I miss the phone calls but most importantly I miss having a friend who truly cares for me so deeply and intensely and much more than anyone else. It feels like I am currently trying to fill the void left in my life as I realise I have lost the most important friendship of my life.

Standard
art, creative writing, Feminism, Human Rights, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I am no longer trapped in a past world

I haven’t cried for weeks about him.
His violation hasn’t suffocated me, ripped my soul open, killed my heart.
Maybe this is what it means to be over your rapist?
I feel calm, I feel free,
I don’t feel tied to my terrible trauma.
My heart doesn’t feel tied to that cruel man.
I can be me,
I can be the linguist,
I can be the passionate activist,
I can be the loving daughter,
I can be the caring friend.
I’m no longer trapped in a past world
That no longer exists.

I really hope this lasts.
I really hope I am over my rapist
And at least closer to being over my rape.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

Standard