No, rape doesn’t ruin your life neccessarily

I have been raped twice and the first time it was society’s perceptions of how awful rape is and that it ruins someone’s life that made me think of it in such a devastating way and almost end my life in a way in which I would never come back from the suicide attempt before I ended up in the psych hospital.

But no, rape hasn’t ruined my life; I now have a very healthy sexual relationship with my darling boyfriend and thanks to great therapy I have incredibly minor PTSD .

Also, I am still the strong and determined person I have always been and I am determined to become a successful professional.

Yes, this is not without discounting the many suicidal attempts I have had, most probably directly caused by my last rape which I haven’t had therapy on in 2016 but now I am overdose free and happy.


Just because someone else hurt you so bad doesn’t mean you have to end your life to show them what the consequences were

Last night my father domestically abused me and gripped his arms so tightly around my shoulders.

As I sit here drinking another cocktail I tell myself to not rise to the occasion of hurting him so badly back and I remind myself that I am more likely to succeed because I’ve been drinking.

So no, I’m not going to overdose even though I want to because I don’t want it to go wrong and mean I actually end my life.


Guess I’ve just got a lust for life and I can’t wait for my exciting travels

Don’t get me wrong I am ill but yet still I have a lust for life and I don’t want to die anymore:



Hope Seeped Through The Shutters

The darkest hour was eternally
Smothering, strangling, suffocating.

Death put up his tent at my door
But I never let him pass the threshold.

Hope seeped through the shutters;
I let it cover me, warm me, shelter me.

Now the shutters are open;
I see the light.
Death has left and the darkest hour
Is softened by Moon’s presence.

Depression’s chains
Are no longer tight on my wrists-
I am almost free,
I am almost happy.

Copyright © C.M.H December 2014

Bipolar, Mental Health

Mental Illness Recovery Seems To Take Forever

There is no doubt that I am a lot better than I was two months ago but recovery seems to be so slow and I have plateaued in my progress.

I have made many Bipolar friends who have been very helpful for me during this time as they understand what I am going through. However, I find it very hard as most of them are stable as in pretty much episode free and being around them reminds me of the fact that I am not quite stable yet. It infuriates me that when my friends ask me how I am I still sometimes say that I’m a bit low or they pick up on it and tell me that I’m a bit low. I just want to get completely better now and no longer have those days where I struggle to get out of bed. I have also had a couple of days of mild high mood recently which were a bit of relief from the grips of depression.

There is no denying that depression hell. It’s like being constantly strangled or smothered but you don’t die so you have to live with the suffering.

I guess I should be grateful that I am almost out of this black hole and things are a hell of a lot better than they are. I have hope that I will eventually get completely better and now that my psychiatrist has upped my medication for the depression I should soon see some progress.

I am a warrior and will try even harder now to fight the beast that is depression. I have faith that I will eventually defeat it.

Bipolar, Mental Health

Mental illness and hope

I think that with regard to mental illness sometimes hope is sometimes the only thing that keeps people going when their illness is affecting their life so much in a negative way. If they didn’t have hope they would give up. I believe that especially with regard to people who are suicidal hope can save lives.

I believe that mental illness success stories of people who have managed to manage their condition/s and function highly in life and achieve their potential are very positive and give others hope that although things may be very bad now the future could be a lot better.

If I had not had hope that things would get better and that I could eventually get my life back on track and function highly again I believe I would have struggled a lot more to get through my months of mania and depression. At times it seemed like I would never be well again but I continued to push on through my very difficult time as I had hope.

I have now got through 3 months of depression and then 3 months of mania and 2 months of depression and I have finally been euthymic for the past few days. Now that I am well again it is important that I continue to have hope that I can stay well by managing my condition the way that works for me which is mainly with the help of medication and exercise.

I hope that next year I will be able to show others that they can manage their conditions and function highly when I go back to university.