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I’m drowning

New post for memoir: 2nd of December: I’m drowning and I can’t get up

I’m drowning and I can’t get out of this state. This is what it feels like when you’re in a severe depressive episode from bipolar; you can’t get up from shore and most of the time you just sit or lie there hoping that eventually you will find the mental strength to swim.

Today I will go to Pret A Manger and get some lunch but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still drowning; drowning so much that I can’t face my friends and the only people I’ve really spoken to recently are my parents and my sister and my boyfriend.

I’m drowning and I can’t get up so I take one more antidepressant than I should in the hopes that this will help things.

I’m drowning and I can’t get up and yet I still miss my meds.

I’m drowning and I can’t get up and yet I still sleep through the days when my psychologist tells me I shouldn’t do this.

I’m drowning so even though I love Bojack Horseman I don’t even want to watch another episode today.

I’m drowning so all I want is hugs and cups of tea and cigarettes.

I’m drowning so I don’t even dare drink because I am almost paralysed in this state; drinking is definitely not worth it.

I’m drowning and the hardest part is some people don’t understand and never will understand what it feels like when your soul is suffocated in darkness.

I’m drowning and I can’t get up but yet I know because this has happened so many times before that this will not be forever and I will eventually have the mental energy and strength and I will get up and see my friends and get a job.

Copyright © Electra Rose December 2018

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If all someone does is make you feel bad about yourself and you have a severe mental illness you just have to cut them out

So my godmother has making me feel shitty about myself for the past year. She has called me self-centred, egocentric and self-obsessed and other awful things and she also refuses to accept I have mental illnesses and need to take medication and she is just ultimately a horrible person to me.

So I decided that although she is my mother’s best friend I just had to let her go; her constant negativity was just making my borderline personality disorder really bad.

A I kept feeling shitty after every dinner with her.

B she didn’t care that I had a panic attack so severe it felt like a heart attack and she didn’t ask me how I was.

C she told me I was dropping out of uni again when I was only taking time out again.

After this very last very offensive one I decided that it was time to cut her out for my own health.

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Having great relationships with people in my life means that I can be happy and content even in extreme bipolar episodes

Last December I attempted suicide twice and almost died the last time but a lot has changed since then; in February it will be a year since I’ve ODed and although I was in hospital in the summer I have now gotten over my eating disorder problems I had a couple of months back and I haven’t self harmed in a couple of months.

I have also steered clear of drugs for maybe five or six months now.

What I am trying to say I am in a good place but it is not just helped by the fact that I have been in recovery of late; my great friends, loving boyfriend and amazing sister and loving parents have helped me stay content and happy even through the bad times.

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So I was quite hypomanic but a bit depressed at the same time so I decided to go to Annecy in France because someone had told me it’s a great place to go to.

So I skipped college and decided to go to France for a week. I thought Annecy was beautiful with the lake and the canals and the coloured houses but I wanted to go somewhere more lively so I went to Lyon the next day.

I had nothing to drink that night but I did not take my meds.

When I got to Lyon after a 2 and a half or something hour journey I thought I didn’t like it and it was ugly so I went to a fast food restaurant and had an orange juice and cappuccino and then I went to the train station.

I looked at the places I could go to and I thought that I wanted to go to Strasbourg, Lille or Brussels.

But I didn’t have much cash on me so I couldn’t go to any of those places so I just settled on Dijon.

I went there and I really liked it but I had a shit dinner so I ended up in a Mexican place where they do burritos a lot better than in England.

I then out for drinks and asked for a double in french because I speak french and study it at university and I was shocked as it cost something like 14€.

I then went home to a three star hotel that cost 100€ a night because when I had turned up at Dijon all that was available was hotels and none of the cheap hotels had space.

The following day I went back to Lyon because although I wanted to go to the Dijon museums I didn’t have enough money to stay in Dijon.

Lyon wasn’t so bad after all though and I went to a lively hostel and then I went to a bar and had a cocktail for only 5€.

I forgot to mention that when I got to Annecy I booked flights with Thomas Cook to go to Tunisia which cost me 200£.

I did all of this all while not telling my parents what I was doing or where I was.

I got to Tunisia and found it really beautiful with all the white houses with blue doors and the mosaics.

I had a lot of shisha and went to a cool rooftop cafe and had lots of pizza and chips and I went to the beach and saw an ancient monastery.

I ran out of money because of all the ludicrous spending I was doing so my parents had to bail me out.

On my last day I bought about 22 packs of flavoured cigarettes only for £13 and I accidentally bought shisha at the airport cos I thought it was flavoured cigarettes.

University has made me take the year off and said I wouldn’t pass the year given all the classes I have missed and because I did not do my oral exam so I think l’ll try and find work abroad to keep my languages up or something.

I also have holidays coming up and I’m travelling in the spring and the summer.

Weeks later when I was back home my dad said my mother was going to cut me out of her will for all of this and that my dad had wanted to say to me that he was never going to talk to me again.

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Bipolar and anorexia night out

As I can’t take drugs or drink alcohol my night out consists of staying at home and watching Bojack Horseman as well as eating soup because I’m hungry because I threw up my dinner but I’m anorexic so I don’t want to have any carbs.

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Everything is going well but I’m still really depressed

I’ve got a great boyfriend and friends and my family and I’m going back to university next year at a university closer to home and yet I still feel so fucking depressed.

It’s been months since my grandmother passed away so I know it’s not this and so I know it must just be a bipolar depression.

At first I was not just depressed but also psychotic and I was getting paranoid that my boyfriend was cheating, that he had raped me, that my phone was lying to me, and then I started to feel scared in public and unsettled and I thought I was going to hurt myself and then I was scared I would hurt others. Then a couple of days ago I got paranoid that my boyfriend was dead in the toilet after he took too long to go to the toilet.

My psychiatrist thinks my cannabis use could have caused my psychosis but it’s been over a month since I’ve been taking any drugs.

I have never been more scared in my life except when I had auditory hallucinations a few times during full blown mania.

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