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No, rape doesn’t ruin your life neccessarily

I have been raped twice and the first time it was society’s perceptions of how awful rape is and that it ruins someone’s life that made me think of it in such a devastating way and almost end my life in a way in which I would never come back from the suicide attempt before I ended up in the psych hospital.

But no, rape hasn’t ruined my life; I now have a very healthy sexual relationship with my darling boyfriend and thanks to great therapy I have incredibly minor PTSD .

Also, I am still the strong and determined person I have always been and I am determined to become a successful professional.

Yes, this is not without discounting the many suicidal attempts I have had, most probably directly caused by my last rape which I haven’t had therapy on in 2016 but now I am overdose free and happy.

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After talking to the police I felt sad and vulnerable

When I first told the police I would reopen my extremely traumatic rape case from 2016 I felt a sense of immense proud and like “maybe we can catch this guy”.

But not long afterwards I started to feel immensely sad and cut my therapy session short and remained sad for the rest of the day,

I had two drinks to try and feel better.

But in all, I felt strong because I wasn’t suicidal at all or broken; I was just a bit sad.

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Just because someone else hurt you so bad doesn’t mean you have to end your life to show them what the consequences were

Last night my father domestically abused me and gripped his arms so tightly around my shoulders.

As I sit here drinking another cocktail I tell myself to not rise to the occasion of hurting him so badly back and I remind myself that I am more likely to succeed because I’ve been drinking.

So no, I’m not going to overdose even though I want to because I don’t want it to go wrong and mean I actually end my life.

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If all someone does is make you feel bad about yourself and you have a severe mental illness you just have to cut them out

So my godmother has making me feel shitty about myself for the past year. She has called me self-centred, egocentric and self-obsessed and other awful things and she also refuses to accept I have mental illnesses and need to take medication and she is just ultimately a horrible person to me.

So I decided that although she is my mother’s best friend I just had to let her go; her constant negativity was just making my borderline personality disorder really bad.

A I kept feeling shitty after every dinner with her.

B she didn’t care that I had a panic attack so severe it felt like a heart attack and she didn’t ask me how I was.

C she told me I was dropping out of uni again when I was only taking time out again.

After this very last very offensive one I decided that it was time to cut her out for my own health.

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art, creative writing, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence

No fuck yous are enough 

No amount of fuck yous are enough-

My pain and ire.

Nothing takes away the bursting volcano inside 

Caused by your forceful fire.
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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Feminism, Human Rights, Journal, Rape, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

Date Rape Is Rape

It seems to me from what I hear about in the news when it comes to rape and sexual assault that the people who open up about rape or are unwillingly exposed to whole communities often experience a whole torrent of victim blaming.

Many people victim blamed me by saying that I couldn’t get half naked with a man and not expect him to want sex. The funny thing is, do men normally stay half clothed like you are and just walk towards you on the bed slowly and at the last minute penetrate you without saying anything ? When it happened it was a total surprise and I was in complete shock to begin with before I was just confused. Luckily, I pushed him away after a bit. Yes, I feel I consented to the rest of the sexual activity before that but just because I consented to everything else before the rape doesn’t mean the penetration wasn’t rape. 

Someone also referred to stranger rape and said that if a stranger had forced themselves on me it would have been rape but because I was dating the guy and really liked him there was no way it could be rape.

Someone also said that they think I have a skewed idea about rape before I even told them what happened. 

People also need to be aware that just because he stopped if you pushed him off you or something doesn’t mean it wasn’t rape if you didn’t consent at all to what was happening before you pushed him away. 

I have been seriously sexually assaulted but not raped on many occasions whilst intoxicated before the rape. The response of many people is to tell me to cut down on my alcohol intake and stop drinking so much on nights out. Drinking doesn’t cause rape, people do! (Yes, women sometimes rape too) I completely disagree with them and think if anything what has made me more vulnerable than others to sexual violence is my naivety and tendency to trust people too easily.

This post just shows how  rife victim blaming is from my experience at least. Victim blaming is sometimes considered by rape and sexual assault survivors as worse than the rape and I completely agree. I was thinking of writing a suicide note to someone I really needed help from to deal with the aftermath of the rape because she completely disbelieved me and blamed me for my actions. 

In conclusion, I think societal attitudes really need to be changed as at least from my own experience it seems people still blame people for rape if they have some kind of sexual relationship with the person before or if the victim has been drinking. I also think it is really vital that everyone is taught about consent and the definitions of sexual assault so that we can work on preventing rape and sexual assault. 

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#FreeMarissa Poem by Nikky Finney

http://nikkyfinney.net/marissa.html

Here is a poem about Marissa Alexander and the missing and disregarded black women of America.

It is absolutely outrageous and horrendous that Marissa Alexander, a woman who endured domestic abuse for a long time is being persecuted for finally defending herself when she had no other choice as the police hadn’t saved her from the abuse.

This is pure racism and sexism. It is absolutely ridiculous and horrifying that in a case where there is so much evidence of serious physical harm to a woman’s life that she can be persecuted whilst a white man can get away with using the self-defence excuse when the person he shot was unarmed, i.e. George Zimmerman.

I stand with Marissa Alexander and hope that her re-trial ends with her being exonerated or having her sentence drastically reduced.

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