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I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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Uncategorized

I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

I took two overdoses but I’m not letting that stop me continue university 

This week I took two overdoses; one on Saturday and one on Tuesday but I am not letting that stop me stay on at university.

Yes, I am currently taking it easy with my studies but I am here and I am going to continue on and be okay.

I’m going home next Thursday to Sunday and I will see some of my home friends as well as family which will be good. 

Yes, it is hard but I refuse to give up. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness

You tell me I’m strong but I don’t feel strong 

My friend sent me this message: So wanted to thank you again for your example of battling through tough times and feeling comfortable in your own skin without makeup etc

I appreciate the sentiment but the fact is for the past few days every single night I’ve been thinking of slitting my wrists and overdosing. I have never been so suicidal and felt so awful in my life.

It’s hard and it feels like to be honest that I will give up at some point in the next 7 years by the time I’m thirty just like Sylvia Plath . I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth.

I have been through so much pain in my life including a lot of abuse and rape that it is only natural that along with my borderline personality disorder and my bipolar disorder that I want to die. 

I don’t fucking feel strong at all right now and I can’t say that to my friend. I learnt a fucking prayer tonight to try and stop me from killing myself.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, Mental Health, mental illness, sexual assault, Sexual Violence

I almost killed myself last night 

Last night after I wrote my post about the romanticisation of suicide and in particular the romanticisation of wrist cutting with intent to kill I kept thinking about it and then I went to the kitchen and was so close to doing it it was almost that the only thing that stopped me from going over to the knives was my instinct to live because I can sure as hell tell you it was not anything else.

Anyway, I called my hospital helpline in the morning and called my psychiatrist in the afternoon and she has increased one of my antipsychotics which I wasn’t even taking and she has told me I’m in a mixed affective state right now so both manic and suicidal.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, mania

I am making steps to be more healthy and finally I am accepting I have to live differently as someone with bipolar disorder

So over the past year I have recklessly drunk alcohol, smoked cannabis about ten times, not been eating healthily and I’ve had way too much caffeine. I think especially the drugs and the alcohol have not helped to keep me stable and have most likely contributed to my two overdoses. In fact, I took one overdose a day or two days after I smoked a joint.

I have now decided to quit the drugs, only have one or two drinks maximum instead of more like 7, eat healthily and even try yoga.

I have also decided to work on my codependent relationships because of my mental illness and I have decided to completely take a break from my closest friendship as it is entirely based on support for my mental illness with no common ground or common banter.

I have also decided to avoid a group chat which I am dependent on for help with my problems. 

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Journal

Sometimes you have to cut someone out of your life who makes you feel like shit

So my other ex who did not rape me but who has been a massive dick to me in many ways has just made me feel like shit recently. I cut him out of my life for six months before because he told me he used to be in love with me and then said that was a joke and then kept asking me to prove I wasn’t in love with him and really hurt my feelings.

Recently he said he wanted to sleep with me and then became less bothered with me and put practically no effort into our interactions which made me feel like shit and that all he cared about was sleeping with me. He also tried to cancel on me because he had a friend’s birthday when he already had plans with me and then whenever I tried to make plans with me he said that if his other friends weren’t free he would make time for me but if not no. 

I am never going to let myself be the last resort. No one deserves this and I can’t let someone make me feel like shit and make me feel worthless so I had to cut him off. 

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