Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

Sometimes mental illness stops you doing things but I’m learning to be okay with this

After my recent suicide attempt I was not long after admitted to hospital as I felt like I had two weeks to live and I was genuinely thinking I would slit my wrists within the next two weeks. I have never felt so low ever and so at the mercy of bipolar depression and my mental illnesses. Luckily, instead of just letting myself possibly end my all too precious life I made a call to my psychiatrist and I asked my dad to pay for me to be admitted to the private hospital. 

I was there for two weeks and four days during which I was mainly really manic and fast talking. However by the time I left my rapid cycling stopped and I felt safe not long after arriving there actually.

The reason I tried to kill myself is because my psychologist crushed my dreams by saying I could not do year abroad due to my instability as I had been rapid cycling and constantly crying not long before.

After the overdose my psychiatrist said she definitely did not recommend year abroad and although she said it was ultimately my decision I decided to listen to her and not play Russian roulette with my life. It was tough and it made me very upset and depressed to do this but I know I could seriously get to a terrible place and feel so alone and actually kill myself if I went.

The alternative is not terrible; I’m going back to my original university to start my third year there.

I am not constantly crying now or planning on ending my life but it’s like anything; it will take time for me to feel more stable and be in a better place.

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

When the depression after mania hits 

I’ve been feeling quite low the past few days and some days I have been incapacitated and I’ve found some tasks impossible or really difficult to do. I thought that it was originally just because of the heartbreak with Josh and then because I didn’t get a job and a guy cancelled on me and a friend cancelled me all in one day but it doesn’t make sense that it would just be a borderline depression as I’m still feeling depressed today. I think I might be in a bipolar depression which would make sense as I was manic and you always have to come down. It just sucks as no one ever wants to feel like this and it makes me feel like the high wasn’t even worth it. 

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bipolar disorder

When bipolar fucks up your relationships 

I am manic at the moment and I got very angry at my friend and told her to stop being so flakey when she cancelled even though it wasn’t her fault. I had a massive go at her and made it seem like it was her fault when actually a meeting overrun. Now I am looking to deal with the consequences as she is telling me she is really hurt by all that I said even though she knows it’s not I fault I acted like that because I cannot always control my behaviour due to the bipolar. It is really hurting me to realise how much my manic outbursts can mess up my relationships and who knows if this is irreparable damage. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder

Bipolar disorder and the struggle to be monogamous- hyper sexuality to the extreme

I have realised recently that I really struggle to be monogamous and I favour open relationships over relationships. It seems that when I’m in my manic highs I just want to date and have sex with as many more people as possible and I am completely out of control. I find acceptable people who I like but nothing stops me searching for someone better, someone more attractive, someone funnier, someone more intelligent, someone. I have been called a serial dater and a female player before because I date lots of people at once without any consideration for the fact the other people may not be expecting this. It just feels like I am out of control and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to settle. I have never been in a relationship in my life and the only time I didn’t date others was during a short two week fling. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

You say I have a lovely face but how is that enough when I have to live through bipolar hell? 

Someone stopped me on the street and complimented me on my ‘lovely face’ and tried to make me join a charity. They asked me how I was and I said ‘I’m okay’, thus hiding my manic pain. What I am struck by is how people feel the need to compliment you but if only they knew that I would rather stop being pretty and no longer have bipolar than be pretty with bipolar. Gone are the days when I say I’d always keep bipolar; it’s just not worth all the heartache and the pain and anguish. I’ve been manic a lot recently and it’s been hard because I feel emotions so intensely and it’s all too much! I really think it’s going to be a painful difficult life if this never goes away. 

Yes, I am only occasionally siutuationally depressed now but I still get suicidal sometimes and I still get the highs all the time and with that comes the extreme anxiety and the anger and the lack of concentration and not giving a fuck about my studies.

I don’t want to tell my readers a lie. Yes it gets easier with meds and therapy but it’s not a life saving operation that saves you; I’m still ill and I still struggle even if it’s not as bad as before. And every inch of pain even if the pain has lessened is always worth fighting for. I want to live a full life but how can I when I’m okay for a month and then I get another month of hell? 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

Bipolar disorder and vulnerability to rape 

I think it is important that the vulnerability to rape as a result of bipolar disorder is addressed. I have been manic many times now and raped three times and sexually assaulted on other occasions because sometimes when I’m in a manic episode I don’t realise what’s going on and it’s much easier to take advantage of me. 

I didn’t write about it but in the summer I went on a tinder date and the guy got us both extremely drunk by getting us both to have sixteen drinks and all with the purpose to have sex which is made clear by him suggesting to go to a hotel room. I can’t remember what happened right before intercourse so I can’t remember if I consented but I do remember wanting him to stop but not being able to express this as I was too drunk.

Another time at university I was too drunk to consent as I can hardly remember what happened that night and I can’t remember if I consented to giving oral sex but I know anyway that legally I couldn’t consent with the amount of alcohol I had had.

I really think people need to be educated on how alcohol affects your ability to consent but also on not to prey on vulnerable individuals. People sometimes tell me to cut down on my drinking but this doesn’t solve the problem as there will always be someone targeted and anyway if I am manic I will drink more. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

To the person who told me my suffering makes me more interesting 

Someone recently told me that my suffering because of having bipolar disorder and other mental health problems makes me a more interesting person. I feel that this remark could in a way almost trivialise what I go through sometimes and how I feel. My bipolar is not romantic! If anything it is an absolute torment and to say otherwise is to ignore the anguish I feel inside me almost daily. Sometimes I am in so much emotional pain that I just want to die and stop living the bipolar life that I live. So please tell me that me apparently being more interesting is worth all of the suffering I endure? It’s a shame that sometimes people seem to put troubled, mentally ill people on a pedestal as if they are somehow more special than others or they even treat us like freaks. Just treat me as a human like I am! I would rather not have bipolar and be apparently less interesting to you than suffer this eternal torment. 

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