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Everything is going well but I’m still really depressed

I’ve got a great boyfriend and friends and my family and I’m going back to university next year at a university closer to home and yet I still feel so fucking depressed.

It’s been months since my grandmother passed away so I know it’s not this and so I know it must just be a bipolar depression.

At first I was not just depressed but also psychotic and I was getting paranoid that my boyfriend was cheating, that he had raped me, that my phone was lying to me, and then I started to feel scared in public and unsettled and I thought I was going to hurt myself and then I was scared I would hurt others. Then a couple of days ago I got paranoid that my boyfriend was dead in the toilet after he took too long to go to the toilet.

My psychiatrist thinks my cannabis use could have caused my psychosis but it’s been over a month since I’ve been taking any drugs.

I have never been more scared in my life except when I had auditory hallucinations a few times during full blown mania.

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I lost the girl who called herself my best friend yesterday

I posted a while ago about how upset I was when my friend asked for space from me and we have had constant arguments since and not been taking.

We were supposed to be best friends but now I realise only the friends I’ve made at school and university have stayed true to me.

My best friend from primary school and my best friend from a family friend both left me when I started to get ill in 2014 with bipolar and most of my friends from bipolar support group have left me when I got unstable with borderline personality disorder even though I’m fine now.

I am just realising that I’ve been focusing on the wrong people and even my friend from the psychiatric hospital is flakey and not a good friend.

I am feeling very sad that I’ve lost a good friend but I know this is in part my borderline personality disorder. However I am happy to have reconnected yesterday with other true friends.

I feel like the friend I lost wasn’t a true friend as they never are if you lose them.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder

Manic high sex drive and dating

I’m manic again. I’m dating a new guy and whenever I’m with him I can’t wait for action with him. However this high sex drive is a problem as we are exclusive and now I want to get back on tinder and swipe again. I know it’s just my bipolar mania but it’s a problem.

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

Two weeks ago I tried to kill myself twice

Two weeks ago I took an overdose of alcohol and benzos again hoping it would work again. It didn’t and I went to the emergency department but they just sent me home.

Then I went home and the next day I wanted to overdose on lithium. I thought about it a lot but I spent time with a friend.

The next day I thought about it after having a drink with a friend and the thought was just so strong I had to give in. But my friend called me whilst I was taking pills so he saved my life.

This time I was kept overnight in the hospital for observation of my physical health. All the tests were okay because I hadn’t taken too much as my friend had called me.

Then I went home to my parents from university and thought about slitting my wrists and jumping in front of trains so it was then that my father and I knew I needed to be in hospital.

As the NHS weren’t listening to me and wouldn’t hospitalise me we went private.

I am now feeling a lot better after a week of being in hospital.

I went out today but didn’t think of jumping in front of trains.

The only reason I can think of for why I have been feeling this way is that I was raped not long before.

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

My mental health has got worse since my bipolar diagnosis in 2014 and I don’t know why

Over the past year in 2017 I have attempted suicide five times. I overdoses twice in one week in mid- September and now this week I have overdosed twice and tried to cut my wrists on hospital equipment in a hospital.

I lied to the psychiatrist by withholding information; I didn’t tell him that I tried to kill myself in the hospital.

I’ve been seriously thinking about slitting my wrists since and I felt it even more tonight after going to A & E in England and being turned away and not admitted even though I spoke about slitting my wrists; I just felt abandoned.

Now I feel unsafe in my home and my father has hidden the knives which is just not feasible but it is the only way to keep me safe until I am hospitalised in a private hospital because I’m lucky that my parents have the funds to do this. I’m

I wonder if it is the build up of all my sexual traumas and rapes which have made me more suicidal again over time.

Unfortunately last Friday I was raped again. This guy said “so you want to shag then” and the next thing I know I was in shock and I froze and I felt something moving inside me.

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On reading my own blog I find it difficult; it is so full of pain and suffering but that is only one part of my life

I have been reading over my own blog and I have found it difficult and I wonder whether I give an accurate representation of my life.

I write posts about my bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, my trauma and my suicidal thoughts and yet throughout all of this I find that I am still able to be happy and have good times with my friends and family even throughout the pain.

Ever since I’ve been on sodium valproate I have stopped rapid cycling so much and I have stopped feeling so emotional, intense and unable to cope with life; I’m getting better.

Yes I cry sometimes like anyone but I am no longer crying every single day and oscillating from bipolar mood swing in one day.

Yes I still get suicidal sometimes but I am reaching out for help now and not overdosing again like in mid-September.

I am coming out of a severe depression, I’ve stopped drinking so much and I’ve stopped taking drugs and now the only bad thing I do is smoke or smoke shisha. I very rarely even self harm now.

I feel like things are getting better for me and I am learning that I can’t do everything I want to do like take drugs and drink to excess because of my condition.

I still have bad days and recently as I’ve cut down on my substance abuse I’ve been feeling upset about my rapes but I can work on this with my new therapist to come and I am so thankful to have a fulfilled life with so many great friends and a supportive father and a great sister.

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The loss of my grandmother has put me in a bipolar depression and made me suicidal 

My grandmother passed away last week and the day after she passed away I lay in bed until 1:30pm extremely depressed. I became suicidal and started thinking about my rapes and how I wanted to kill myself because I’ve been raped.

I then smoked some cannabis to feel better when I saw people smoking outside. I felt okay for a few hours but once the high had worn off and I was coming home from a big city I got suicidal again and was thinking of overdosing and the urge was so strong.

It seemed my grandmother’s death really offset my borderline personality disorder.

Luckily I didn’t overdose but I came home for a week with my family feeling fragile and low and upset.

I even couldn’t go to my favourite burrito place because of the memories of the man I used to go with who I dated who also raped me.

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