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If you can’t face your new self how can you recover from mental illness?

I have learnt that one of the important things with regards to my recovery from borderline personality disorder and bipolar is to accept that the reality I once faced when I was many years younger is no longer the case and that I have to accept myself for who I am and although I argue I am a lot more than my mental illnesses they are a part of who I am and I have to face my new self in order to recover.

I have to accept that I can be shitty with people because of my issues and make bad decisions and work from there to try and be a better person.

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The life of a manic depressive

It’s 3:42pm in Spain and I haven’t slept yet; I’ve been staying up all night and for a lot of the night chatting to Spanish people and other people. I also had some tequila.

I don’t want to sleep; I guess this is what you call letting the mania take control.

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I’ll just have a cigarette so I feel better

I’ll just have a cigarette so I feel better,

I’ll just have some shisha so I feel better,

I’ll just have a drink so I feel better,

I used to smoke weed to feel better,

I used to sleep with lots of guys to feel better,

I used to overdose to feel better.

Now I travel to feel better,

But is it just an escape?

And what have I been escaping all these months?

Am I still damaged from 2016?

I just don’t know so I continue to travel to feel better,

To try and find something better.

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Just because someone else hurt you so bad doesn’t mean you have to end your life to show them what the consequences were

Last night my father domestically abused me and gripped his arms so tightly around my shoulders.

As I sit here drinking another cocktail I tell myself to not rise to the occasion of hurting him so badly back and I remind myself that I am more likely to succeed because I’ve been drinking.

So no, I’m not going to overdose even though I want to because I don’t want it to go wrong and mean I actually end my life.

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The self destructive nature of bipolar disorder

With any other illness you would expect one would take the tablets every single day like with life threatening illnesses such as epilepsy or injections for diabetes but no bipolar disorder is an illness that renders the sufferers not only to being less like to take meds when they get manic because they feel good and don’t want to come down or perhaps they just think they don’t need them but they also in some cases start drinking and taking illicit drugs when this is absolutely NOT advised for bipolar because it can just make you very ill.

Not only that but we disappoint our loved ones with the fallouts of our manic episodes leaving ourselves even more isolated than we already were and sometimes we even cause massive ruptured in personal relationships that will never be resolved and lose many friends.

Not only all of this but the worst thing is that we continue to do these things over and over again without learning how to put things right both for our recovery, our substance misuse problems and our relationships.

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3rd December

No one who hasn’t got bipolar disorder can understand what it feels like when a moment of extreme excitement puts you into a state of euphoric bliss; perhaps you are fantasising about winning the lottery and how you will go on TV and talk about the political causes you are going to donate to and your future political career or perhaps you are doing what I am doing now; looking forward to your future and believing that you can genuinely complete your languages degree and then do two years of studying law. You believe you can become a successful barrister so much that nothing is standing in your way; you are determined that this dream will become a reality and you will make it a reality. This is what it’s like to have bipolar; we are some of the most determined people and we never give up or let something that feels like failure bring us down. I haven’t given up on my degree which is taking years to complete so please don’t give up on your dreams.

Copyright © Electra Rose December 2018

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I’m drowning

New post for memoir: 2nd of December: I’m drowning and I can’t get up

I’m drowning and I can’t get out of this state. This is what it feels like when you’re in a severe depressive episode from bipolar; you can’t get up from shore and most of the time you just sit or lie there hoping that eventually you will find the mental strength to swim.

Today I will go to Pret A Manger and get some lunch but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still drowning; drowning so much that I can’t face my friends and the only people I’ve really spoken to recently are my parents and my sister and my boyfriend.

I’m drowning and I can’t get up so I take one more antidepressant than I should in the hopes that this will help things.

I’m drowning and I can’t get up and yet I still miss my meds.

I’m drowning and I can’t get up and yet I still sleep through the days when my psychologist tells me I shouldn’t do this.

I’m drowning so even though I love Bojack Horseman I don’t even want to watch another episode today.

I’m drowning so all I want is hugs and cups of tea and cigarettes.

I’m drowning so I don’t even dare drink because I am almost paralysed in this state; drinking is definitely not worth it.

I’m drowning and the hardest part is some people don’t understand and never will understand what it feels like when your soul is suffocated in darkness.

I’m drowning and I can’t get up but yet I know because this has happened so many times before that this will not be forever and I will eventually have the mental energy and strength and I will get up and see my friends and get a job.

Copyright © Electra Rose December 2018

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