Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

I took two overdoses but I’m not letting that stop me continue university 

This week I took two overdoses; one on Saturday and one on Tuesday but I am not letting that stop me stay on at university.

Yes, I am currently taking it easy with my studies but I am here and I am going to continue on and be okay.

I’m going home next Thursday to Sunday and I will see some of my home friends as well as family which will be good. 

Yes, it is hard but I refuse to give up. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness

You tell me I’m strong but I don’t feel strong 

My friend sent me this message: So wanted to thank you again for your example of battling through tough times and feeling comfortable in your own skin without makeup etc

I appreciate the sentiment but the fact is for the past few days every single night I’ve been thinking of slitting my wrists and overdosing. I have never been so suicidal and felt so awful in my life.

It’s hard and it feels like to be honest that I will give up at some point in the next 7 years by the time I’m thirty just like Sylvia Plath . I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth.

I have been through so much pain in my life including a lot of abuse and rape that it is only natural that along with my borderline personality disorder and my bipolar disorder that I want to die. 

I don’t fucking feel strong at all right now and I can’t say that to my friend. I learnt a fucking prayer tonight to try and stop me from killing myself.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, Mental Health, mental illness, sexual assault, Sexual Violence

I almost killed myself last night 

Last night after I wrote my post about the romanticisation of suicide and in particular the romanticisation of wrist cutting with intent to kill I kept thinking about it and then I went to the kitchen and was so close to doing it it was almost that the only thing that stopped me from going over to the knives was my instinct to live because I can sure as hell tell you it was not anything else.

Anyway, I called my hospital helpline in the morning and called my psychiatrist in the afternoon and she has increased one of my antipsychotics which I wasn’t even taking and she has told me I’m in a mixed affective state right now so both manic and suicidal.

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

The romanticisation of suicide

I fantasise about suicide sometimes. It’s strange, I have had threesomes but I don’t really fantasise about them or about other sexual situations but I fantasise about suicide. 

I only fantasise about suicide in romantic ways of course.

Suicides that involve me drowning in a bath after taking a shitload of diazepam and maybe even slitting my wrists in the bath.

Even just the idea of slitting ones wrists in the bath are a fantasy.

Today I thought about slitting my wrists and I got so close to actually doing it. I was near the knives.

Before this happened I called up the hospital and told them I was fantasising. All they said was take your meds and go to sleep.

I am writing this post because maybe if I write about my fantasies it will keep me alive. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder

The meds are finally working 

So after three years of being trialled on probably around 8 medications for bipolar I think they have finally found a cocktail which works. 

I am now on lithium carbonate, asenapine, sodium valproate and haloperidol and I have been stable for a week now. This is amazing as for the past three years I have pretty much not been stable at all and it’s the last time I’ve been stable since 2015.

I think this stability is genuinely going to last as I am going to keep taking my meds, this meds combo really seems to be working and I am going to keep the alcohol at a minimum of two beverages when I drink socially. 

As I am getting stable it means maybe I can actually do the second semester abroad after all if the university let me.

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Borderline personality disorder

In many ways I have recovered from borderline personality disorder but I still get the situational lows

I thought that I had completely recovered from borderline personality disorder yesterday as over the past two weeks I have been able to deal with friends not replying without it making me think I was being abandoned by them. I have also not thought of taking overdoses because of a lack of attention from people around me. Additionally, I have basically been recovered from my self harm by scratching for the past year.

However, today when my closest friend from home was leaving me it made me very depressed situationally and perhaps because I will not see her for months now as I am going back to university in a different part of the country.

I guess maybe it is too much for me to think that these situational lows will just disappear even if therapy has helped me with my relationship issues and time helped me with my self harm.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, mania

I am making steps to be more healthy and finally I am accepting I have to live differently as someone with bipolar disorder

So over the past year I have recklessly drunk alcohol, smoked cannabis about ten times, not been eating healthily and I’ve had way too much caffeine. I think especially the drugs and the alcohol have not helped to keep me stable and have most likely contributed to my two overdoses. In fact, I took one overdose a day or two days after I smoked a joint.

I have now decided to quit the drugs, only have one or two drinks maximum instead of more like 7, eat healthily and even try yoga.

I have also decided to work on my codependent relationships because of my mental illness and I have decided to completely take a break from my closest friendship as it is entirely based on support for my mental illness with no common ground or common banter.

I have also decided to avoid a group chat which I am dependent on for help with my problems. 

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