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I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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Uncategorized

I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

I took two overdoses but I’m not letting that stop me continue university 

This week I took two overdoses; one on Saturday and one on Tuesday but I am not letting that stop me stay on at university.

Yes, I am currently taking it easy with my studies but I am here and I am going to continue on and be okay.

I’m going home next Thursday to Sunday and I will see some of my home friends as well as family which will be good. 

Yes, it is hard but I refuse to give up. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness

You tell me I’m strong but I don’t feel strong 

My friend sent me this message: So wanted to thank you again for your example of battling through tough times and feeling comfortable in your own skin without makeup etc

I appreciate the sentiment but the fact is for the past few days every single night I’ve been thinking of slitting my wrists and overdosing. I have never been so suicidal and felt so awful in my life.

It’s hard and it feels like to be honest that I will give up at some point in the next 7 years by the time I’m thirty just like Sylvia Plath . I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth.

I have been through so much pain in my life including a lot of abuse and rape that it is only natural that along with my borderline personality disorder and my bipolar disorder that I want to die. 

I don’t fucking feel strong at all right now and I can’t say that to my friend. I learnt a fucking prayer tonight to try and stop me from killing myself.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, Mental Health, mental illness, sexual assault, Sexual Violence

I almost killed myself last night 

Last night after I wrote my post about the romanticisation of suicide and in particular the romanticisation of wrist cutting with intent to kill I kept thinking about it and then I went to the kitchen and was so close to doing it it was almost that the only thing that stopped me from going over to the knives was my instinct to live because I can sure as hell tell you it was not anything else.

Anyway, I called my hospital helpline in the morning and called my psychiatrist in the afternoon and she has increased one of my antipsychotics which I wasn’t even taking and she has told me I’m in a mixed affective state right now so both manic and suicidal.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

You say I have a lovely face but how is that enough when I have to live through bipolar hell? 

Someone stopped me on the street and complimented me on my ‘lovely face’ and tried to make me join a charity. They asked me how I was and I said ‘I’m okay’, thus hiding my manic pain. What I am struck by is how people feel the need to compliment you but if only they knew that I would rather stop being pretty and no longer have bipolar than be pretty with bipolar. Gone are the days when I say I’d always keep bipolar; it’s just not worth all the heartache and the pain and anguish. I’ve been manic a lot recently and it’s been hard because I feel emotions so intensely and it’s all too much! I really think it’s going to be a painful difficult life if this never goes away. 

Yes, I am only occasionally siutuationally depressed now but I still get suicidal sometimes and I still get the highs all the time and with that comes the extreme anxiety and the anger and the lack of concentration and not giving a fuck about my studies.

I don’t want to tell my readers a lie. Yes it gets easier with meds and therapy but it’s not a life saving operation that saves you; I’m still ill and I still struggle even if it’s not as bad as before. And every inch of pain even if the pain has lessened is always worth fighting for. I want to live a full life but how can I when I’m okay for a month and then I get another month of hell? 

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