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Bipolar disorder and substance misuse

I have bipolar disorder but I am also a recovering alcoholic.

It was a gradual process. When I was 18 and going to clubs I drank so much I ended up throwing up the next day.

Then at university I would have one bottle of wine for pre drinks and then multiple rum and coke doubles or tequila shots and I was more drunk than everyone.

Once I had two bottles of wine at a party and threw up and then left with my best friend Will and continued to drink lots at the students union.

A fellow student told me he was concerned about the amount I was drinking.

Then when I came home from university I ended up drinking multiple doubles of gin and tonic about four times a week whilst my mother was out of the country.

I once ended up going to the GP after having drank six doubles and I was very drunk.

I stopped drinking for three months once I got depressed and then only had a drink this week as I have been manic and could not control myself.

I know my hardcore drinking also got worse after I was sexually assaulted.

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Such madness to harm myself so I can feel okay

Such madness
To create more physical pain
To rid me of my pure pain
So I can ignore the horrible truth
Of my life-
The reason why
I’m half alive.
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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creative writing, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, Rape, sexual assault, Uncategorized

So much has changed in one year and yet it hasn’t

Holding it all together
When inside I’m dying inside.

Daggers pierce my heart again
And I remind myself it is okay to feel this pain,
It’s okay not to be okay.

So much has changed in one year and yet it hasn’t.
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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art, creative writing, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I want someone to tell me it will be okay

I want someone to tell me it will be okay
But it can’t ever be with pain under the surface
Of my life.

My body reminds me of my rape.
Of his violent body forcing itself inside
Mine.

I now bravely wear the dress I wore that day
And the bra
And I feel powerful.
But nothing can undo what he did to me,
What he took from me.

There are times I wish I could live a normal life.
Not worry that a man is going to fast
And needs to slow down.
Not feel that all men could potentially rape.
But how can I?

Instead I live this beautiful lie.
The lie that he didn’t ruin me with his act
That I’m not staying away from the axe.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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art, creative writing, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

Shisha calms my bones

Blood in my blunt nails
Each time it feels I’ve failed-

Lost self, lost night, lost life.
But Shisha stopped me bleeding so much tonight.

Shisha calmed my bones.
It took me home
To a tranquil place
Where I was safe.

To stop the bleeding it seems
You have to give in to other indulgences,
Other sins.
I have too much pain stored in my bones
To cope all on my own.
My trauma doesn’t live in my mind anymore
But it’s still stuck in my bones.
I need some release,
I need some calming shisha,
A cigarette or two.
At least that isn’t as bad as subtly making myself bleed.
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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art, Bipolar, bipolar disorder, creative writing, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, Uncategorized

Euphoric bliss

I crave
The sweetest hit-
It takes me to my solitary bedroom rave.
I ignore the clock’s tick
When euphoric bliss
Hits me.

I dance in the street,
Sway my hair,
Tap my feet,
I don’t care!

Confidence, mischief, hilarity
Engulfs me,
Transforms me,
Becomes me.
Music,
Art,
People
Are so beautiful.
Everything is beautiful.

The best moments of my entire life
Spent grooving and singing along to Bob Marley and Destiny’s Child classics
With my best friend on a Thursday afternoon

Ecstatic energy floods through my veins.
Exists no pain.

Words on paper drip beautifully like blood
From the depths of my soul.

This is what it means to be alive.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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