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The loss of my grandmother has put me in a bipolar depression and made me suicidal 

My grandmother passed away last week and the day after she passed away I lay in bed until 1:30pm extremely depressed. I became suicidal and started thinking about my rapes and how I wanted to kill myself because I’ve been raped.

I then smoked some cannabis to feel better when I saw people smoking outside. I felt okay for a few hours but once the high had worn off and I was coming home from a big city I got suicidal again and was thinking of overdosing and the urge was so strong.

It seemed my grandmother’s death really offset my borderline personality disorder.

Luckily I didn’t overdose but I came home for a week with my family feeling fragile and low and upset.

I even couldn’t go to my favourite burrito place because of the memories of the man I used to go with who I dated who also raped me.

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Uncategorized

The loss of my grandmother has put me in a bipolar depression and made me suicidal 

My grandmother passed away last week and the day after she passed away I lay in bed until 1:30pm extremely depressed. I became suicidal and started thinking about my rapes and how I wanted to kill myself because I’ve been raped.

I then smoked some cannabis to feel better when I saw people smoking outside. I felt okay for a few hours but once the high had worn off and I was coming home from a big city I got suicidal again and was thinking of overdosing and the urge was so strong.

It seemed my grandmother’s death really offset my borderline personality disorder.

Luckily I didn’t overdose but I came home for a week with my family feeling fragile and low and upset.

I even couldn’t go to my favourite burrito place because of the memories of the man I used to go with who I dated who also raped me.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

I took two overdoses but I’m not letting that stop me continue university 

This week I took two overdoses; one on Saturday and one on Tuesday but I am not letting that stop me stay on at university.

Yes, I am currently taking it easy with my studies but I am here and I am going to continue on and be okay.

I’m going home next Thursday to Sunday and I will see some of my home friends as well as family which will be good. 

Yes, it is hard but I refuse to give up. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness, Rape, sexual assault

The not guilty website is not letting me post so I’ll post about my rapes here

I don’t know if anyone knows about the great website http://notguiltycampaign.co.uk but I have posted on there many times about my rapes and I have posted my poetry. 

It’s been an off week for me with rape as I realised I was still following my second rapist and this made me very triggered and upset as I wanted him to know what a shit year I’ve had with my mental health and about my two suicide attempts.

I was talking to this guy from tinder and he seemed funny so I thought he was a catch but I probably missed warning signs as per usual.

On the date he purposefully got us absolutely wasted; we each had sixteen drinks and he paid for everything.

I have type 1 bipolar disorder anyway and I was very manic at the time so I was already very vulnerable at the time. I agreed to go to a hotel with him but probably just because I was so drunk and manic I didn’t know what I was doing.

I definitely didn’t consent to the sex because all I remember is him getting out a condom and assuming I was consenting and then I don’t even remember the start of the penetration. I do however recall him constantly trying to have sex with me and being a bit unsuccessful to start and it hurt so much. I really wanted it to stop but I was too drunk to make it stop. He tried to rape me again in my sleep and for some reason I had sex with him twice consensually after this a few hours later.

Another rape I want to bring up is after a night out when I had had far too much to drink and I can’t remember if I consented to the blow job and in fact I think I was far too drunk to consent anyway as I can hardly remember what happened.

Then six months after the oral rape I took an overdose and then four months later I took another overdose. I do have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder but I wouldn’t be surprised if these rapes have been contributing factors when it comes to my suicide attempts as after my virginity rape I almost jumped in front of a train.

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art, creative writing, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, Uncategorized

Heartbreak series- Was it the right decision?

Time goes by and I keep asking

If it was the right decision.

The anger and the upset hurt my soul

But 10 years is so long

And my heart bleeds for those 10 years.

I know I was so angry

At your denial of the struggles that you hide,

Your denial of your constant unhappiness,

Your denial at your crippling insecurities.

But it hurts me more

Than when I loved that guy.

I don’t cry

But I feel the piercing pain inside-

It’s like a living thing has died.

And yet, just four months and I cried

Over him for a year.

10 years and I can’t seem to find a tear.

Perhaps our tie

Didn’t matter to me.

 

 

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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creative writing, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, Uncategorized

I’m through with you

You were so charmingly cute,

you painted laughter on my face so easily.

Your intelligence warmed my heart.

But you didn’t give a shit about me.

I was just a fleeting desire to you-

I meant nothing to you.

Whilst my unrequited affection

And your ignoring made me cry

You had the audacity to say we

Could still talk on the phone

Because you love talking to me

And that maybe something could happen in the future.

Well, my response is that you’re a dick

And I’m through with you.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

 

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