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I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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Uncategorized

I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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The loss of my grandmother has put me in a bipolar depression and made me suicidal 

My grandmother passed away last week and the day after she passed away I lay in bed until 1:30pm extremely depressed. I became suicidal and started thinking about my rapes and how I wanted to kill myself because I’ve been raped.

I then smoked some cannabis to feel better when I saw people smoking outside. I felt okay for a few hours but once the high had worn off and I was coming home from a big city I got suicidal again and was thinking of overdosing and the urge was so strong.

It seemed my grandmother’s death really offset my borderline personality disorder.

Luckily I didn’t overdose but I came home for a week with my family feeling fragile and low and upset.

I even couldn’t go to my favourite burrito place because of the memories of the man I used to go with who I dated who also raped me.

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Uncategorized

The loss of my grandmother has put me in a bipolar depression and made me suicidal 

My grandmother passed away last week and the day after she passed away I lay in bed until 1:30pm extremely depressed. I became suicidal and started thinking about my rapes and how I wanted to kill myself because I’ve been raped.

I then smoked some cannabis to feel better when I saw people smoking outside. I felt okay for a few hours but once the high had worn off and I was coming home from a big city I got suicidal again and was thinking of overdosing and the urge was so strong.

It seemed my grandmother’s death really offset my borderline personality disorder.

Luckily I didn’t overdose but I came home for a week with my family feeling fragile and low and upset.

I even couldn’t go to my favourite burrito place because of the memories of the man I used to go with who I dated who also raped me.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

I took two overdoses but I’m not letting that stop me continue university 

This week I took two overdoses; one on Saturday and one on Tuesday but I am not letting that stop me stay on at university.

Yes, I am currently taking it easy with my studies but I am here and I am going to continue on and be okay.

I’m going home next Thursday to Sunday and I will see some of my home friends as well as family which will be good. 

Yes, it is hard but I refuse to give up. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness, Rape, sexual assault

The not guilty website is not letting me post so I’ll post about my rapes here

I don’t know if anyone knows about the great website http://notguiltycampaign.co.uk but I have posted on there many times about my rapes and I have posted my poetry. 

It’s been an off week for me with rape as I realised I was still following my second rapist and this made me very triggered and upset as I wanted him to know what a shit year I’ve had with my mental health and about my two suicide attempts.

I was talking to this guy from tinder and he seemed funny so I thought he was a catch but I probably missed warning signs as per usual.

On the date he purposefully got us absolutely wasted; we each had sixteen drinks and he paid for everything.

I have type 1 bipolar disorder anyway and I was very manic at the time so I was already very vulnerable at the time. I agreed to go to a hotel with him but probably just because I was so drunk and manic I didn’t know what I was doing.

I definitely didn’t consent to the sex because all I remember is him getting out a condom and assuming I was consenting and then I don’t even remember the start of the penetration. I do however recall him constantly trying to have sex with me and being a bit unsuccessful to start and it hurt so much. I really wanted it to stop but I was too drunk to make it stop. He tried to rape me again in my sleep and for some reason I had sex with him twice consensually after this a few hours later.

Another rape I want to bring up is after a night out when I had had far too much to drink and I can’t remember if I consented to the blow job and in fact I think I was far too drunk to consent anyway as I can hardly remember what happened.

Then six months after the oral rape I took an overdose and then four months later I took another overdose. I do have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder but I wouldn’t be surprised if these rapes have been contributing factors when it comes to my suicide attempts as after my virginity rape I almost jumped in front of a train.

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Rape, sexual assault

Airport security checks and creepy men triggered me 

When I got on the plane to go abroad recently I went through the security check where you are effectively groped by another woman in order to check if you have any prohibited things on your person. It left me feeling very uncomfortable and in fact it gave me flashbacks of my sexual assaults and I felt like I had been assaulted. It left me wanting to campaign for there to be body scanners everywhere and not just have a person touching you to check for prohibited items. 

Then today I went on a date and I have never felt more creeped out. I constantly rejected the guys moves and he kept smiling at me in creepy ways and I felt triggered and as if I had been raped when in fact all that had happened was that I’d been with a creepy guy. 

I guess when I have successful dates where I sleep with men I can forget that I am still fragile and vulnerable.

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