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After talking to the police I felt sad and vulnerable

When I first told the police I would reopen my extremely traumatic rape case from 2016 I felt a sense of immense proud and like “maybe we can catch this guy”.

But not long afterwards I started to feel immensely sad and cut my therapy session short and remained sad for the rest of the day,

I had two drinks to try and feel better.

But in all, I felt strong because I wasn’t suicidal at all or broken; I was just a bit sad.

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I’ll just have a cigarette so I feel better

I’ll just have a cigarette so I feel better,

I’ll just have some shisha so I feel better,

I’ll just have a drink so I feel better,

I used to smoke weed to feel better,

I used to sleep with lots of guys to feel better,

I used to overdose to feel better.

Now I travel to feel better,

But is it just an escape?

And what have I been escaping all these months?

Am I still damaged from 2016?

I just don’t know so I continue to travel to feel better,

To try and find something better.

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Having great relationships with people in my life means that I can be happy and content even in extreme bipolar episodes

Last December I attempted suicide twice and almost died the last time but a lot has changed since then; in February it will be a year since I’ve ODed and although I was in hospital in the summer I have now gotten over my eating disorder problems I had a couple of months back and I haven’t self harmed in a couple of months.

I have also steered clear of drugs for maybe five or six months now.

What I am trying to say I am in a good place but it is not just helped by the fact that I have been in recovery of late; my great friends, loving boyfriend and amazing sister and loving parents have helped me stay content and happy even through the bad times.

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Bipolar disorder and substance misuse

I have bipolar disorder but I am also a recovering alcoholic.

It was a gradual process. When I was 18 and going to clubs I drank so much I ended up throwing up the next day.

Then at university I would have one bottle of wine for pre drinks and then multiple rum and coke doubles or tequila shots and I was more drunk than everyone.

Once I had two bottles of wine at a party and threw up and then left with my best friend Will and continued to drink lots at the students union.

A fellow student told me he was concerned about the amount I was drinking.

Then when I came home from university I ended up drinking multiple doubles of gin and tonic about four times a week whilst my mother was out of the country.

I once ended up going to the GP after having drank six doubles and I was very drunk.

I stopped drinking for three months once I got depressed and then only had a drink this week as I have been manic and could not control myself.

I know my hardcore drinking also got worse after I was sexually assaulted.

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I lost the girl who called herself my best friend yesterday

I posted a while ago about how upset I was when my friend asked for space from me and we have had constant arguments since and not been taking.

We were supposed to be best friends but now I realise only the friends I’ve made at school and university have stayed true to me.

My best friend from primary school and my best friend from a family friend both left me when I started to get ill in 2014 with bipolar and most of my friends from bipolar support group have left me when I got unstable with borderline personality disorder even though I’m fine now.

I am just realising that I’ve been focusing on the wrong people and even my friend from the psychiatric hospital is flakey and not a good friend.

I am feeling very sad that I’ve lost a good friend but I know this is in part my borderline personality disorder. However I am happy to have reconnected yesterday with other true friends.

I feel like the friend I lost wasn’t a true friend as they never are if you lose them.

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You asked for space, I got suicidal

Today I’m suicidal because my friend asked me for space. With my borderline personality disorder I struggle to deal with change and potential breakups.

The things that stopped me trying to end my life with a lithium overdose were my boyfriend and the fact that I would have to pay money for the cab back from the hospital if I survived.

This whole thing with my best friend is hurting me so much that I may have to end it if I keep getting suicidal about it to protect my own mental health.

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

Two weeks ago I tried to kill myself twice

Two weeks ago I took an overdose of alcohol and benzos again hoping it would work again. It didn’t and I went to the emergency department but they just sent me home.

Then I went home and the next day I wanted to overdose on lithium. I thought about it a lot but I spent time with a friend.

The next day I thought about it after having a drink with a friend and the thought was just so strong I had to give in. But my friend called me whilst I was taking pills so he saved my life.

This time I was kept overnight in the hospital for observation of my physical health. All the tests were okay because I hadn’t taken too much as my friend had called me.

Then I went home to my parents from university and thought about slitting my wrists and jumping in front of trains so it was then that my father and I knew I needed to be in hospital.

As the NHS weren’t listening to me and wouldn’t hospitalise me we went private.

I am now feeling a lot better after a week of being in hospital.

I went out today but didn’t think of jumping in front of trains.

The only reason I can think of for why I have been feeling this way is that I was raped not long before.

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