Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness, Rape, sexual assault

The not guilty website is not letting me post so I’ll post about my rapes here

I don’t know if anyone knows about the great website http://notguiltycampaign.co.uk but I have posted on there many times about my rapes and I have posted my poetry. 

It’s been an off week for me with rape as I realised I was still following my second rapist and this made me very triggered and upset as I wanted him to know what a shit year I’ve had with my mental health and about my two suicide attempts.

I was talking to this guy from tinder and he seemed funny so I thought he was a catch but I probably missed warning signs as per usual.

On the date he purposefully got us absolutely wasted; we each had sixteen drinks and he paid for everything.

I have type 1 bipolar disorder anyway and I was very manic at the time so I was already very vulnerable at the time. I agreed to go to a hotel with him but probably just because I was so drunk and manic I didn’t know what I was doing.

I definitely didn’t consent to the sex because all I remember is him getting out a condom and assuming I was consenting and then I don’t even remember the start of the penetration. I do however recall him constantly trying to have sex with me and being a bit unsuccessful to start and it hurt so much. I really wanted it to stop but I was too drunk to make it stop. He tried to rape me again in my sleep and for some reason I had sex with him twice consensually after this a few hours later.

Another rape I want to bring up is after a night out when I had had far too much to drink and I can’t remember if I consented to the blow job and in fact I think I was far too drunk to consent anyway as I can hardly remember what happened.

Then six months after the oral rape I took an overdose and then four months later I took another overdose. I do have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder but I wouldn’t be surprised if these rapes have been contributing factors when it comes to my suicide attempts as after my virginity rape I almost jumped in front of a train.

Advertisements
Standard
Uncategorized

It’s been two years and I’m still not over the one person I was in love with 

I cried last night and today for the first time in months about this guy I dated two years ago who I was in love with. Yes, he raped me but that doesn’t change what we had; how ecstatic I felt and high on life and happy and amazing. I have met three exciting guys since but I haven’t cared for them in the same way and one of them I wasn’t even that into. I just haven’t been in love since and I miss it. I readded this guy on Facebook and tried to message him but he hasn’t replied and I doubt he will, thus proving my prediction that what happened between us is definitely over however heartbreaking it is. 

Standard
Feminism, Journal, Mental Health, mental illness, no send letter, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

A final letter to you, my rapist; I’m moving on

I want to say I hate you but the words don’t slip out of my mouth smoothly.

Instead I ask you why? Why did you do this? What provoked you to hurt me so much?

I wish I’d asked you when I had the chance but now I will never get an answer.

The only satisfaction I will ever get is that I made you cry by describing what you did to me without saying the words rape.

The only justice I will get is that i got you to almost confess as you confessed that you attempted to rape me before I corrected you and said it was rape.

I don’t hate you as a whole person but I hate the part of you that decided to humiliate and get power over a young woman who was very ill with bipolar disorder at the time.

I hate what you did to me. I hate what you inflicted on me at the time and I hate how you made me feel for minutes, hours, days and months afterwards. I hate that disgusting memory you gave me with your violent forceful act.

As I said to you before and I will say again, you had no right to take my choice, my virginity, my power, to not use a condom and temporarily take my life from me as I was left to build myself back up after the fallout.

I really hope if you don’t now that at some point you will feel guilty for so cruelly leaving a permanent mark on someone’s life and that you will learn your lesson and never commit such a vile crime ever again.

You have not broken me, you have not defeated me, you have not crushed me. You no longer have ANY power over me. I have written lots of poems about the trauma you inflicted on me, lots of letters to you and I have mourned what we had.

I am moving on and I am going back to university in September to start the second year of my degree.

I am going to have a good life and I will not let what you did stop me from enjoying myself and hold me back from achieving what I want and living the life I would have otherwise lived.

Standard
art, creative writing, Feminism, Human Rights, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I am no longer trapped in a past world

I haven’t cried for weeks about him.
His violation hasn’t suffocated me, ripped my soul open, killed my heart.
Maybe this is what it means to be over your rapist?
I feel calm, I feel free,
I don’t feel tied to my terrible trauma.
My heart doesn’t feel tied to that cruel man.
I can be me,
I can be the linguist,
I can be the passionate activist,
I can be the loving daughter,
I can be the caring friend.
I’m no longer trapped in a past world
That no longer exists.

I really hope this lasts.
I really hope I am over my rapist
And at least closer to being over my rape.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

Standard
art, creative writing, depression, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

Pain is the tattoo on my skin

My scratching shows my pain-
Pain that I hide
Even from my very own mind.

Time passes and I am less overwhelmed
But it doesn’t stop the pain which overwhelms
Me,
Inking blood onto my skin.

Conflicted feelings- anger, hatred, love, lust, forgiveness, despair,
All suppressed from the one who experiences them all-
How can you hold so much emotion within one soul?

My soul died when I started to feel the sense of heartache in my heart-
The root of feeling expressed,
What feels so true.
What kills so freely,
What perishes life.
Nothing hurts more than feeling life
Within the depths of your heart
So strongly.
Not even art
Would free me of the hold he had on me.

He took my blood from my body
And he killed me.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

Standard
art, creative writing, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

You are a rapist and you disgust me

Cruel snake tempting me

With false kindness, humour, understanding-

All lies

When all you wanted was to have power over me.
Your misogynistic devil’s horns

Don’t trick me anymore.

I refuse to let your deceitful smile charm me.

I didn’t let you kill me

And you won’t overthrow me.
Undeserved, unjust, horrible violation

Of body, mind and soul.

You raped me,

You are a rapist.

You should feel terrible for the rest of your life.

For violating another human being,

For stealing from another human being,

For being so cruel to a vulnerable girl,

For taking someone’s virginity with force,

For denying what you did.

Admit to yourself that you are a rapist

But don’t be surprised that you disgust me.
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

Standard
art, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

Shame

The red rose took the blame-

She felt she wanted to be violated.

She felt so much shame-

She couldn’t immediately express to her attacker the words-

Rape

As she was an ice sculpture sat next to him.
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

Standard