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I’ll just have a cigarette so I feel better

I’ll just have a cigarette so I feel better,

I’ll just have some shisha so I feel better,

I’ll just have a drink so I feel better,

I used to smoke weed to feel better,

I used to sleep with lots of guys to feel better,

I used to overdose to feel better.

Now I travel to feel better,

But is it just an escape?

And what have I been escaping all these months?

Am I still damaged from 2016?

I just don’t know so I continue to travel to feel better,

To try and find something better.

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I am more in control of myself when I’m manic or suicidal

Don’t get me wrong, I still overspend when I’m manic and go travelling a lot but I have learnt to control myself and not dance with other boys or sleep with them because I have a boyfriend who I love.

Also, yes I still sleep a lot when I’m depressed and I don’t go out of the house for ages, but I have learnt how to deal with suicidal thoughts or urges.

The other day I just said to myself “No,No,No” when I had a suicidal urge and another time when I thought of taking an overdose I just thought to myself “my life has value”.

I am so proud of myself for thinking my life has value when I had a suicidal thought because that is the first time I did that so I really think I’m making progress.

I really think I am a strong young woman!

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If all someone does is make you feel bad about yourself and you have a severe mental illness you just have to cut them out

So my godmother has making me feel shitty about myself for the past year. She has called me self-centred, egocentric and self-obsessed and other awful things and she also refuses to accept I have mental illnesses and need to take medication and she is just ultimately a horrible person to me.

So I decided that although she is my mother’s best friend I just had to let her go; her constant negativity was just making my borderline personality disorder really bad.

A I kept feeling shitty after every dinner with her.

B she didn’t care that I had a panic attack so severe it felt like a heart attack and she didn’t ask me how I was.

C she told me I was dropping out of uni again when I was only taking time out again.

After this very last very offensive one I decided that it was time to cut her out for my own health.

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Guess I’ve just got a lust for life and I can’t wait for my exciting travels

Don’t get me wrong I am ill but yet still I have a lust for life and I don’t want to die anymore:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=eP4eqhWc7sI

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Having great relationships with people in my life means that I can be happy and content even in extreme bipolar episodes

Last December I attempted suicide twice and almost died the last time but a lot has changed since then; in February it will be a year since I’ve ODed and although I was in hospital in the summer I have now gotten over my eating disorder problems I had a couple of months back and I haven’t self harmed in a couple of months.

I have also steered clear of drugs for maybe five or six months now.

What I am trying to say I am in a good place but it is not just helped by the fact that I have been in recovery of late; my great friends, loving boyfriend and amazing sister and loving parents have helped me stay content and happy even through the bad times.

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Bipolar disorder and substance misuse

I have bipolar disorder but I am also a recovering alcoholic.

It was a gradual process. When I was 18 and going to clubs I drank so much I ended up throwing up the next day.

Then at university I would have one bottle of wine for pre drinks and then multiple rum and coke doubles or tequila shots and I was more drunk than everyone.

Once I had two bottles of wine at a party and threw up and then left with my best friend Will and continued to drink lots at the students union.

A fellow student told me he was concerned about the amount I was drinking.

Then when I came home from university I ended up drinking multiple doubles of gin and tonic about four times a week whilst my mother was out of the country.

I once ended up going to the GP after having drank six doubles and I was very drunk.

I stopped drinking for three months once I got depressed and then only had a drink this week as I have been manic and could not control myself.

I know my hardcore drinking also got worse after I was sexually assaulted.

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Everything is going well but I’m still really depressed

I’ve got a great boyfriend and friends and my family and I’m going back to university next year at a university closer to home and yet I still feel so fucking depressed.

It’s been months since my grandmother passed away so I know it’s not this and so I know it must just be a bipolar depression.

At first I was not just depressed but also psychotic and I was getting paranoid that my boyfriend was cheating, that he had raped me, that my phone was lying to me, and then I started to feel scared in public and unsettled and I thought I was going to hurt myself and then I was scared I would hurt others. Then a couple of days ago I got paranoid that my boyfriend was dead in the toilet after he took too long to go to the toilet.

My psychiatrist thinks my cannabis use could have caused my psychosis but it’s been over a month since I’ve been taking any drugs.

I have never been more scared in my life except when I had auditory hallucinations a few times during full blown mania.

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