Bipolar, bipolar disorder

Manic high sex drive and dating

I’m manic again. I’m dating a new guy and whenever I’m with him I can’t wait for action with him. However this high sex drive is a problem as we are exclusive and now I want to get back on tinder and swipe again. I know it’s just my bipolar mania but it’s a problem.

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I wrote you a love poem but all you could say was thank you.

My expression of adoration rejected and everything’s the same

Except it isn’t –

The word friend is tattooed on my wrist.

You write poetry too 

But you would never say you love me

At least not like that.

I have a charm that says the words love

But no one to give it to.

You rejected my charm

And broke my heart

With all your head fucks-

All the times you flirted with me, 

that time you made a move on me.

People even saw that intense expression of love in your eyes

When you looked at me

But apparently I am just a friend.
Just a friend and I am fed up with men playing with my heart.

I am fragile and I have been broken and crushed by you and two others this year.

I don’t want to ever feel so dead inside again.

This heartache has broken me and now I just want to be alone.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 201

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Journal

Sometimes you have to cut someone out of your life who makes you feel like shit

So my other ex who did not rape me but who has been a massive dick to me in many ways has just made me feel like shit recently. I cut him out of my life for six months before because he told me he used to be in love with me and then said that was a joke and then kept asking me to prove I wasn’t in love with him and really hurt my feelings.

Recently he said he wanted to sleep with me and then became less bothered with me and put practically no effort into our interactions which made me feel like shit and that all he cared about was sleeping with me. He also tried to cancel on me because he had a friend’s birthday when he already had plans with me and then whenever I tried to make plans with me he said that if his other friends weren’t free he would make time for me but if not no. 

I am never going to let myself be the last resort. No one deserves this and I can’t let someone make me feel like shit and make me feel worthless so I had to cut him off. 

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It’s been two years and I’m still not over the one person I was in love with 

I cried last night and today for the first time in months about this guy I dated two years ago who I was in love with. Yes, he raped me but that doesn’t change what we had; how ecstatic I felt and high on life and happy and amazing. I have met three exciting guys since but I haven’t cared for them in the same way and one of them I wasn’t even that into. I just haven’t been in love since and I miss it. I readded this guy on Facebook and tried to message him but he hasn’t replied and I doubt he will, thus proving my prediction that what happened between us is definitely over however heartbreaking it is. 

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art, Bipolar, bipolar disorder, creative writing, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, Uncategorized

I have been longing for more than your lips

Whilst your bones were brushing mine
Innocently,
The sweetest lighting aroused my spine.

Of course I wanted you to press a rose into my lips-
Shyness stopped me.
Of course I desired your kiss!

You holding me close
Whilst I tasted your lips
Didn’t rid me of my longing, yearning, desire
For more than your lips.

I have spent all week anticipating the moment I would kiss you,
Hold you,
Touch you,
Let you touch me,
Let you satisfy me with you mouth,
Make love to you.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Bisexual, creative writing, depression, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized, Victim Blaming

I sit and reflect on the best and worst year of my life

I sit and reflect on the best and worst year of my life.
I smile because I got through it.
I smile because I found love.
I smile because love wasn’t enough.
I smile because it was an experience and makes my writing better
Even if it was the worst experience.
I smile because I am alive.

I sit here and I reflect on what could have been.
I cry because I wanted it so much.
I cry because it would have made me so happy.
I cry because I will want it forever.
I cry because the ending was so sad.

 
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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art, creative writing, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

The bruise of heartbreak

I wish my heart were pencil marks

Which I could erase easily- 

I need to eradicate the tattoo of your heart

From mine

But it’s difficult.
I ponder on what could have been-

I think about the start.

I remember those sweet moments shared,

Of secret jokes exchanged with laughter,

Of mutual understanding even at the end.

It would have been perfect without trauma-

Will I ever mind something this without violence again?
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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