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Perhaps true recovery and progress comes from within

Over the past four years of struggling with not just mental illness but severe mental illness I have often depended on medication and my therapy to get me better.

For years I kept hoping the medication was what would help me get better and then when I found out about my borderline personality disorder in 2017 I thought it was therapy that was the answer.

I believe ultimately I was right that these two things would help me get better but I also needed to want to get better myself and try to get better myself. After my last post I went to a hospital and before I got better I got worse.

I cut myself with a plastic cup as part of a start of a suicide attempt.

However after a couple of days I decided that I didn’t want to harm myself and ever since every time that I feel like overdosing or harming myself seriously I think to myself that I don’t want to harm myself and I have the strength not to. It is not therapy that gave me this strength but myself.

Things are not perfect. I am on antidepressants and they are making me very anxious and I am not taking my medication frequently and I’m not sure why but I’m okay.

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I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness

How an additional diagnosis of borderline personality disorder affects things

I am not going to lie, things have been very difficult at university with me constantly feeling unstable and going from intense, emotional moods and one or two day long severe depressions to two or three day long anxiety episodes. Everything got incredibly worse and I felt broken after a massive anxiety attack ended in me overdosing on anxiety pills and ending up in the NHS psychiatric hospital.

I hated it there. All the other patients were incredibly ill; one was delusional, one was constantly hysterical and some were agressive.

I went home to England to see my private psychiatrist and she looked at my personality disorder questionnaire and listened to what I had to say about borderline personality disorder and she said she thought I had borderline personality disorder. This would explain a lot of issues I have; I am constantly worrying about whether I am going to lose a friend because they haven’t replied to a text or they haven’t replied quickly enough and something like a friend being late can give me an anxiety attack. 

I also get situational lows where a friend cancels and it can make me suicidally depressed for a day, or I go and see my grandmother and I get suicidally depressed for a day but then the next day I’m fine.

During my teenage years I was constantly having short episodes of crying, dysphoria, feeling intense and being in emotional pain accompanied with anxiety. 

I have also cut three people out of my life this year and once tried to cut my mother out of my life and each time I have regretted it.

Accepting this new diagnosis additional diagnosis is so difficult and in particular because of the stigma; people have had nothing to say to my diagnosis or they have just said “oh right” in an unhappy tone. I feel like a lot of people will assume I cut when I don’t and might believe the stereotype that I am manipulative and a compulsive liar and an attention seeker when the truth is that when I take an overdose I am not looking for attention when I tell people; I just want support and people to help me get help from the professionals.

It feels like a relief and frustrating at the same time as it explains why even though I am on so much medication I am still having other additional issues but it is frustrating that I have to get access to therapy to get better and that I can’t just pop another pill.

What is ironic in a way is that due to the borderline personality disorder diagnosis I am now worried about losing friends by telling them when in fact this is absolutely a symptom of bpd! 

I will continue writing about my journey in the upcoming months.

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Mental Health, mental illness, Rape, sexual assault, Uncategorized

I am learning to stop codependent relationships from happening when they have only just begun

I am very proud of myself as I am learning to stop codependent relationships from happening before they have begun. I have a problem with codependency and forming unhealthy relationships so this is a massive feat.

My recent friendship with someone was based on our issues of self harm and sexual trauma. As the friendship developed I realised that I couldn’t deal with her constantly talking about her trauma and actually that it was unhealthy and unhelpful for us to constantly talk about our issues with each other. I would rather have no one to talk about my self harm with but not be bringing myself down by being around someone currently worse off than me in terms of mental health health. Maybe I need therapy for self harm? But in the past I have hardly found it helpful as they haven’t really helped me stop.

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art, creative writing, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

Shisha calms my bones

Blood in my blunt nails
Each time it feels I’ve failed-

Lost self, lost night, lost life.
But Shisha stopped me bleeding so much tonight.

Shisha calmed my bones.
It took me home
To a tranquil place
Where I was safe.

To stop the bleeding it seems
You have to give in to other indulgences,
Other sins.
I have too much pain stored in my bones
To cope all on my own.
My trauma doesn’t live in my mind anymore
But it’s still stuck in my bones.
I need some release,
I need some calming shisha,
A cigarette or two.
At least that isn’t as bad as subtly making myself bleed.
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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